Cogito ergo sum.

This week has been so tiring lately. There's so much that I'm thinking about right now. Overthinking is something that I do almost all the time. Seriously. There's so much going on in my head, I'm astounded to how I'm still sane.

Ever since I stopped talking to him, I started accepting my overthinking habits. Well, the thing about it, I don't want to call my thinking process as "overthinking" anymore because no matter what, overthinking is still thinking. There's just more thought involved and I see no problem to that.

Why am I suddenly accepting my thinking process?

Because I think it's beautiful.

Thinking a lot helps me become aware of everything whether they are explicit or inferred. I'm always aware of myself as who I am, my physical surroundings, and inferred situations such as knowing that something is wrong without being told that something is.

In relation to that, it led me to become a more observant and curious person. I noticed that small moments in life are just as important as the big ones. They're small but do happen frequently compared to significant moments that occur once in a while. I also find it nice when someone notices the small things about my life. To me, it shows that the person really does care and pay attention to you because it's difficult to remember the small details about people.

See. To some people, it seems as if I'm overthinking about life. But honestly, without giving anything much thought, there wouldn't be much advancement in humanity. A lot of the everyday tasks, objects that we use, and everything that is in our lives right now wouldn't have been in existence if it we didn't give a lot of thought to them.

Selfies and many more of them

It's been a while since I've had some good vibes. Selfies bring me good vibes because they make me feel pretty. So here yah go. Some good vibes with my face in makeup. One of my roommates did it~ She's so kewls~~

Stress, stress, and more stress.

My hands feel like they're slightly burning from rubbing them against each other. I see tiny bumps on my hands filled with clear liquid. I tried my best to avoid scratching them because I'd end up with hands covered in blood and scars. 

You see, I have dyshidrosis or also known as dyshidrotic eczema. It's a skin condition that creates small blister-like bumps appear on my hands and can occur on the feet too. I have it on my hands. There's this intense itch that occurs sometimes and if I do end up itching, I end up scratching off my skin and maybe some tissue underneath it with blood coming out of the scratches. The next day after that mess happens, I end up with these ugly scars on my fingers and hands and my hands would feel a sharp stinging if my hand was exposed to water. 

Now how does stress and eczema relate? Well, the eczema that I have can be caused by stress and my eczema flares up when I'm stressed out. Therefore, I'm stressed out af right now. 

Oh yeah,  the eczema I have isn't curable. Sucks for me. But it's ok, it's only hereditary. 

And you know what causes my stress? Overthinking. And yes, I am currently overthinking about a lot of things. 

My fucking hands really itch my goodness. It's so bad...

I also had a migraine a few days ago too and that was caused by a sudden change of my sleeping pattern AND stress.

So yes I really do need to stop overthinking because it affects my mental and physical health. 

But yah know, to all those people that also overthink to my extent, it won't go away no matter how hard you try. 

I need to relax and destress myself from life.

Hot Showers

I have way too much on my mind to work on my homework. So then I decided to take a hot shower to calm down.

After washing my hair and my body, I let the warm water fall onto my face and stood there for a few seconds. Then I turned around and felt the water on my tense back. 

I twisted the two silver knobs to the right and the water stopped flowing from the shower head. I stood there for a few moments and thought about how much is going through my head. Jealously, disappointment, and loneliness. Just a few of the many unwanted emotions that I wanted to throw away.

I grabbed my towel that was hanging on the pole that was holding the shower curtain and did the best I could to dry off my body. For some weird reason, I pressed my back against the cold tiles. Of course my body flinched against the sudden cold feeling, but I kept moving my back closer and closer until I felt my entire back touching the tiles while holding my towel to my chest. The adrenaline kicked in and thought to myself, "I miss this feeling." 

I took my towel and wrapped it around my hair so that the water from my hair wouldn't drip on my body. I left the tub and stepped onto the shower mat to dry my feet. The bathroom was warm and steamy. 

I wish I could've stayed there for hours and hours. It was nice to think about something pleasant and calming. The warm feeling was something I needed lately. 

Emotionally tired

I'm really hungry right now but I'll get up and cook food when I feel that I really need it.

It's one of those nights. Expecting a lot but end up feeling disappointed. The feeling bothers me a lot, especially since it's hard for me to concentrate or I guess do anything like eating. I'm laying here in bed feeling lonely, tired, and disappointed. Maybe next time I'll be on the roof of my apartment looking at the view. Probably tomorrow afternoon. I dunno.