Stress, stress, and more stress.

My hands feel like they're slightly burning from rubbing them against each other. I see tiny bumps on my hands filled with clear liquid. I tried my best to avoid scratching them because I'd end up with hands covered in blood and scars. 

You see, I have dyshidrosis or also known as dyshidrotic eczema. It's a skin condition that creates small blister-like bumps appear on my hands and can occur on the feet too. I have it on my hands. There's this intense itch that occurs sometimes and if I do end up itching, I end up scratching off my skin and maybe some tissue underneath it with blood coming out of the scratches. The next day after that mess happens, I end up with these ugly scars on my fingers and hands and my hands would feel a sharp stinging if my hand was exposed to water. 

Now how does stress and eczema relate? Well, the eczema that I have can be caused by stress and my eczema flares up when I'm stressed out. Therefore, I'm stressed out af right now. 

Oh yeah,  the eczema I have isn't curable. Sucks for me. But it's ok, it's only hereditary. 

And you know what causes my stress? Overthinking. And yes, I am currently overthinking about a lot of things. 

My fucking hands really itch my goodness. It's so bad...

I also had a migraine a few days ago too and that was caused by a sudden change of my sleeping pattern AND stress.

So yes I really do need to stop overthinking because it affects my mental and physical health. 

But yah know, to all those people that also overthink to my extent, it won't go away no matter how hard you try. 

I need to relax and destress myself from life.

College. You learn a lot about yourself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dnc5gubAtHU

This video really got to me. I mean, I have accepted myself for who I am and it made me a happier person. I felt as peace with myself. But somehow it just got to me and it made me think about the things in my life that still hurt me. I've been in bad vibes lately.

I am terrified about how successful I'll be in the future. I'm failing two classes because I was struggling to keep up with those classes and History, English, and Microbio as my priorities. History and English, I'm really good with words and analyzing things. Microbio, I'm really interested in medical terminology. That's why I was considering becoming a doctor after I found out how fascinated I am with medicine. The human body is amazing. Even today, we still don't know everything about it. There's so much to discover, help people, and makes their lives better. I want to be someone that can change their lives for the best. With a physical and or mental illness, it can change your life temporarily or permanently. Sometimes in a life or death situation. I want to help give people hope about life. The idea that doctors also have this god-like figure to them. You have the power to heal but also have the knowledge of how to kill. To me, that's amazing.  Now, my purpose of becoming a doctor isn't to have that god-like image. Or honestly, the purpose of being a doctor is to protect the life of a human being health-wise which is something that everyone needs in my perspective. Your health is what keeps you alive to experience life and its meaning to how you interpret it.
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Wow. I can't believe I found it. My purpose in life.
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Anyway, that's why I want to be a doctor. Back to why I'm scared of my future.

So my family has a strong background in the medical field. My uncles, aunts, and cousins, are doctors, surgeons, nurses, pharmacists and dentists. I guess being in the medical field runs in my blood. I honestly want to be in the medical field. It's just that everyone has been through and is going through education so quickly, I feel the need to take as many classes as I can get and finish school as fast as possible. I thought that I could handle all that but I can't. I'm not good with stress, especially since I'm an emotional person. Stress is difficult for me to deal with and I don't have a lot of time to actually destress because I either spend my time eating, studying, or sleeping. Most of the time I sleep because I can't function without sleep. I can pull only one all-nighter and then I spend the next day recovering by sleeping. My diet sucks too. I'm a broke-ass college student. I buy a hugeass box of nachos for $8 and it can feed me for a whole day and I buy that pretty often. That's how bad my diet is and my face has been breaking out because of that. Also, my eczema has been pretty bad the days I'm on the verge of breaking down and crying. Some days I do. It's relieving afterwards but I also feel so tired from crying so much. The eczema I have is hereditary and I got it from my dad. It flares up if I eat a lot of chocolate or if I'm really stressed about something so then I use this strong steroid cream to kill the itch feeling. I'm really self-conscious about my hands because they're so scarred from my eczema. I mean there is the option to not itch obviously but it's a really strong urge if you have it.

The pressure from my medical-focused family and my dad especially stress me out. My dad is the main reason why I just feel like shit at times. It's a parent thing where they just compare you to people that are just better than you and then you end up like complete shit. That's a major reason why I chose to go to SFSU than SJSU that's actually closer to my hometown. I couldn't handle anymore of my dad restricting me and telling me what he thinks is best for me instead of letting me do what I think is best for me. And sometimes his last-minute plans are the reason why I have to stay up late and then feel like a rotting potato the next day. Sometimes, he takes me to events where it's like there's no purpose in me going. It's so frustrating.

Back to the comparing thing parents do, my dad keeps comparing me to my cousin that goes to UC Berkeley. Yeup Berkeley. I love my cousin. She's my favorite cousin and I never felt any hate towards her even when my dad would constantly compare me to her. Because honestly, my dad just exaggerates how "perfect" she is. I told her about how my dad compared me to her and she said that her mom (my aunt) also does the same even though she's an only child. She would be compared to her friends and it mentally messed her up. So we both understood each other and I finally saw the dark side of my "perfect" cousin that graduated in the top 5% of her class in high school.

Also, money. I feel terrible about the fact that I'm wasting my parents' money and to end up with me failing two of my classes my first semester. Honestly, I didn't know my limits till now. I guess it's better that I know my limits now than later. I'm surprised I didn't realize it in high school. With my most difficult classes like AP and honors classes, I barely passed them (well I was going through some emotional stuff too so that added on to the stuff I dealt with). I guess I was too ambitious and I thought that I could handle it but it's honestly a lot for me. Now, I know how much I can deal with. If you can handle 5 or more classes, then #1 Wow that's amazing. and #2 How are you not dead yet? Maybe you had to give up multiple aspects of life such as sleep and or a social life but you do you boo. Just don't end up in the hospital because you lost consciousness from a lack of sleep and a poor diet. Hospital bills are expensive af plus education these days is too.

Some days I feel like a bad friend. Bothering people with how needy I am and my emotions. At times I'm scared to vent because I'm worried that they're annoyed with me. That's how I felt when I was really depressed back then.

There are those days when I feel like I'm falling back in depression. I don't know. I'm just not good with emotional stress. I can't keep those emotions in the back of my head. It's so overwhelming, I wish I could stop feeling emotions. It could help me focus on my academics.

Well it's been a long thought-provoking night. I hope the nails on my left hand are dry because I just coated them with a lot of clear coat. I have church at 10AM and I hope I make it on time. I noticed that I digress a lot but that's ok. It's good to get your thoughts out, especially for me since I have a lot of them. I overthink. I really hate it. But it's who I am so that's that.

Get Vaccinated!

I felt like posting something (and procrastinating on my late essay hehe) and I only have one post in my medical nerd tag LOL So here's some of my homework from my microbio class~ Not exactly the homework but just what I learned overall and summarized in a few paragraphs. I learn so much in that class omg. I love learning about medical terminology <3

**DISCLAIMER: I am not an expert on vaccinations. This is just a few things I learned in class from my professor that has a doctorate degree. Technically students address her as "Dr." and not "Professor". Just sayin... Also, this is my opinion. Don't take it so personally if vaccines aren't for you. Just don't be near me during flu season.**

I cannot stress how important it is to get vaccinated. You literally put yourself and other people at danger if you don't get vaccinated because you're more susceptible to getting the virus that causes influenza. There is a significant distinction between getting the flu and having a cold. With a cold, you're able to function. Not properly because you know coughing and a having a stuffy nose but you can still walk, go to school, go to work, eat, and all the events people do in their daily lives. However, you cannot possibly function when you have the flu. Influenza will drive your body into extreme exhaustion and will leave you feeling fatigued. Plus you have a fever, feel headaches, and bodily aches and pains so... yeah. Drastic difference there. I can't imagine someone wanting to get up with all those symptoms occurring at the same time.

Now, people will bring in the argument that even though they've been vaccinated, they still got sick.

Scenario 1: A woman said that she got the stomach flu despite being vaccinated a few days before.

Vaccinations take about two weeks to kick in. You have to let the dead virus or whatever is in the vaccine to multiply and then get into effect. Also, there is a difference between a bacterial infection and a viral infection. The flu shot only targets viruses. Not bacteria. I can go into detail the differences between the two but that would take a while (just look it up).

*Quick note: Influenza is a viral infection and the stomach flu is either a viral or bacterial infection. Most likely bacterial if you're able to function properly the next day.

Scenario 2: You get the flu even though you got a flu shot even after waiting it out for about three weeks.

Two factors contribute to this: #1 Because viruses are always constantly mutating, it's very difficult to create a perfect vaccine that will prevent the flu from everyone permanently. #2 Genetic differences. Some people's genes respond nicely to the vaccine and are less susceptible to having the flu. Some are not so lucky and are more likely to have the flu. That doesn't give a valid reason though to not get a flu shot. It's better than being an exposed target to getting the virus without any protection. It's like going to war. Would you rather go out to war with no weapon or a sword?

A few other questions:
- Why do I need to get a flu shot every year?
*See scenario 2, factor #1 from above.

-What if I'm allergic to eggs? (Because vaccines are made normally with eggs.)
There are alternative ways to making the vaccines besides using eggs. I'll provide the link to the alternative and its process along with some other cool ones.

-Why can't I take antibiotics like the ones I get from the doctor?
Different antibiotics target one specific thing that will eventually lead to the deterioration of the pathogen. An antibiotic cannot wipe out a virus. Plus the antibiotic might be specifically only for bacterial or some type of eukaryotic pathogen and not viral ones.

Well, that's that. I hope you learned a thing or two from this and I really hope you get vaccinated, especially around this season when the weather is cold and everyone gets sick. It's the fall season over here in San Francisco. At one point, everyone in my apartment was sick. It was horrible. Hope you had a great day, afternoon, evening, whatever time it is where you are.

Links
Key Facts About Seasonal Flu Vaccine

How Influenza (Flu) Vaccines Are Made

Migraine problems

So tired right now... I just copied a full page of notes for statistics because I have to review everything in order for me to do homework. I understand everything, but I forget some stuff so I have to re-write my notes on a separate notebook so that they're legible. I love math cuz it's like solving a complex puzzle but like eh I'm too lazy at times. Heh.

Ugh. I felt like I was gonna get a migraine a few seconds ago. Here's some tips if you ever get one:

-Go to a quiet area

-Put your head down and close your eyes

-Relax and try to stay there till the migraine passes

-Take a nap after. Your brain needs a break from that horrible experience.

When you get a migraine, you become sensitive to a lot of stimuli and being exposed to them can worsen it. That's why going to a quiet area and less exposure to light can help. It depends on how long the migraine lasts because it's different for everyone and different triggers occur when you know you're about to get a migraine. For example, when I drink a lot of caffeine, I get migraines. I know when I'll be getting one when I see a visual aura. It's called Scintillating scotoma and very common before getting a migraine.

Here's some more info about it: Scintillating scotoma

I should be a doctor someday. Lol. Maybe...