I'm a Holden

My eczema flared up. Well, it's an excuse to blog since I can't write and plan on my notebook for a paper I have to write.

I'm trying to have a more positive outlook so that it'll help lessen my depression. Mmm... I'll talk about my favorite book: The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger.

I've read plenty of books over and over but that's because I had to for summer reading. The Catcher in the Rye is the only book (so far) I can read multiple times because of how much I love it. I can relate to it so much and all the hidden internal meanings to Holden's thoughts. I can see myself in Holden in various parts of the book. I forgot about what goes on in the novel because it's been a few years since I've read it. But I will never forget the feeling I had after reading the ending. You can look up the summary of the book on the internet OR you can take the time to read and see what kind of meaning the story gives you.

Now, the protagonist of the novel, Holden, he's a pretty blunt and obnoxious guy. Some of the stuff he thinks about is pretty true. But most of that comes from his thoughts. People still talk to him and you don't really hear many people hating on him (Well from what I vaguely remember). See, I have thoughts that are similar to his and I bet everyone out there has those similar thoughts at some point in their lives. We're human. It's not like we're all perfect angels that never sinned before. Anyway, it's just me trying to say that Holden is someone we can all relate to.

I like how realistic he is with his thoughts without sugar coating it. One thing about me is that I really don't like people that are really optimistic. It's really annoying. And by "really optimistic", I mean people that are so naive and oblivious to how life really works. I'm not saying that optimism is annoying or that it should be ignored because I really do think that people (especially me) should have some optimism in life. It's just that if you think too positively on things, you can't really understand how some things in life go on because you can only see it through one perspective. Life can't always be happy. You need to know pessimism in order to know optimism and vise versa. Whenever something bad happens, I try to remember that I can't cherish the good moments if I'm always living in good times. I don't want to get used to feeling happy because I would eventually see it as something that's not special. If I didn't go through the difficulties of something, I wouldn't know how to cherish and appreciate it. I'd always be taking advantage of it and it wouldn't be meaningful to me.

There's plenty of quotes in this book I can probably have separate posts for but I'll just talk about a few that stand out to me:

"I like it when somebody gets excited about something. It's nice."
Have you ever been that person that gets excited about something you like and you can't stop feeling happy and passionate about it? It's a really nice feeling. Just talking about it makes you feel really happy on the inside and you start smiling a lot while talking about it. Or have you ever been the other person that listens to the one getting excited about something? Seeing that person's face all happy makes you feel happy. Knowing that the person is sharing this innocent feeling with you is a really genuine and personal moment. It's those times when you can feel your connection with the other person getting closer.

"That's the whole trouble. When you're feeling very depressed, you can't even think."

I can relate to this. God knows how much I can relate to this. When I fall into a depression episode, my mind goes blank. It doesn't mean that I can't think about anything. I just can't think rationally. If I can't think rationally, I only see the negative side of every situation I'm in at the moment and I start isolating myself from people. During those times of depression, everything feels as if the world is falling in my hands and I have no control of it. Then I panic and anxiety rushes over me.

Ok, I thought that this post would positive because The Catcher in the Rye is my favorite book but it turned into thought-provoking post. Oh well, it is what it is. I actually like how this turned out anyway.

Connections with love

Yeeey I finally have some time to write~ I kinda miss writing and I'm happy I have some time to do it this week. Mmmm... I don't really know what to write about but it'll be something random from scrolling though tumblr. I'll write about something that stimulates some kind of thought.

Oooo I have a good one. Let's digress about love and maintaining a healthy connection with someone. Ok, talking about love makes me feel like a shitty person most of the time but right now, I'm having some good feels about it. So let's vent it all out and recollect my thoughts while I'm still optimistic about it. 

The one thing I want to focus on within the wide spectrum of topics about love are the different ways someone shows love. Being in a stereotypical Asian American family, it's difficult to explicitly show love to your parents and siblings. Because of that, it can give off the impression that no one really cares about anyone. But you don't have to show love explicitly. Sometimes it's shown through simple actions. Let's use cooking as an example: When your mom or dad cooks dinner. When your parents cook dinner for you, they invested time and effort to keep you healthy and well-fed. Cooking for you means that they did it for you, they prioritized you. Like when you put effort and time into someone or something, it means that it's worth the time and effort sacrificed because it's really important to you. Knowing that your parents cook for you everyday or at least do their best to keep you well-fed means that you're a priority to them every single day. You're worth the time and effort they give to keep you safe and happy.

Another thing random thing I want to bring up is about close relationships whether they're relationships with a significant other or with friends. After observing and thinking about my closest friendships and connections with people, I realized that you need to have some kind of conflict or problem and overcome it in order to have a stronger connection/relationship. No one is perfect which means that there's no such thing as a perfect relationship/friendship. Mistakes will be made and people will get hurt because we're human. It happens. But just because those mistakes hurt and we hurt the ones affected by those mistakes doesn't mean that we aren't able to fix those mistakes or should be fine with letting stuff like that go. If you really do care about the other person, you would communicate to the other person about it and talk things through. Then do something about it. Both people have to put in effort or else it'll be a one-sided problem. If it's one-sided, then you have to re-consider having that person in your life. For me, the most meaningful relationships/friendships are with people that I've had some difficult problems with. Overcoming those help strengthen the connection you have with that person. Plus, it makes life a bit more meaningful.

Curing and not coping

I didn't know I've been coping with it. I thought that I was cured but then sometimes I would feel it coming back. I've decided to get counseling for my depression.

I made the decision over break. An emotional event occurred during break and I told a relative about it. He said that it's pretty serious and that I've been coping with my depression instead of curing it. I can see why I've been coping with it instead of it going away completely. K-pop, dancing, and performing helped me take my mind away from it temporarily, but then it would come back. It comes back when I feel lonely around my college friends and when my parents say anything negative to me.

With my college friends, I feel like sometimes, I'm an outsider. I'm not really close close to them and I don't have that one group of friends I'm close to. I'm not really comfortable around them because everyone else is closer to others while I'm just there. Sometimes I think that they wouldn't notice if I stopped being around them. Everyone else talks to each other and then I'm there feeling awkward... I don't want to force a friendship to happen. They just naturally happen when you instantly "click" with someone. I felt the same way in 4th grade which was when I started feeling depressed. I hated going to a classmate's party because I know I would feel left out and lonely.
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I don't belong anywhere.

As for my parents, I feel trapped. I've never had the freedom to do what I want. Sometimes it comes off as them not trusting me. My depression started in 4th grade when my dad started comparing me to my older cousin but I couldn't hate her. I love talking and hanging out with her. She also knows what it feels like to be compared because of her mom. All the negativity got to my head and my self-esteem dropped drastically. It's to the point where I can't take compliments from people. At times, I feel like I'm not worth much. Over break, my parents found out that I wanted to switch majors because I want to be a doctor. But my dad told me that there's not enough money to afford me changing my major since my sister will be in college next year. I was so devastated. I cried a lot and I started feeling suicidal again. I mean, I never really thought about what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, especially in high school since I was focused on passing. But now I feel depressed because I still don't have the freedom to do what I really want to do.
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I don't know what to do with my life.

I never cut myself but punched instead because I know my parents would see the scars from cutting. With bruises, I could just lie.

My depression still affects my grades. Some days, I feel empty, as if there's nothing to look forward to in my life. I feel lonely and trapped. So why am I here when there's nothing for me? But I promised myself in 8th grade that I would never kill myself. Yes I'm still depressed but I have experienced happy moments in life, some of them I never thought I would experience.

That's why I'm still here. I want to get better.

Hurtful expectations

I've been hurt a lot throughout my life, specifically emotionally. Sometimes my family hurts me, sometimes my friends do, past crushes definitely, and of course, myself. Because of all those moments and experiences, all the hurt I've felt has accumulated and developed into negative expectations or as the title says, hurtful expectations.

1. I don't think I'll ever get married. Honestly, it would be nice to spend the rest of your life with someone you love. I even made a recent post about opening up to love. But I'm just ok with the idea of it. Thinking about it is nice. I see the positive aspects of being in a long-term, honest, and faithful marriage. But I really don't think it will happen. Relationships aren't really a thing for my life so I might as well face reality and learn to keep it at the back of my mind for my other friends that will get married in the future. I don't even know how to be in a relationship since I've been single my entire life. Going on dates? Look at #2 and #3. Relationships are honestly really pointless for me but that's all from the shitty guys that convinced me that I'm not dating material. And I mean all the guys I've had a crush on.

2. Everyone will leave me. Everyone that's in my life now will leave me for better people and priorities. Yes I know I sound like I want attention but I still feel lonely these days. Even when I'm around a big group of my friends, I still feel lonely, awkward, and left out at times. Right now I'm kinda distancing myself from some people. People say that they'll be here for you now but later on, they won't. They'll forget about you. I'm still trying to adjust myself to becoming more comfortable with being by myself but I get attached to people easily. So I'm doing it little by little by trying to show less emotions to others. I do have close friends but they will leave me too.

3. I'm not really an interesting person. I'm not pretty. I'm not talented. I guess I'm kinda smart. I haven't done much with my life yet. Honestly, people shouldn't waste their time on me because all I do is sleep, eat, and study. I do dance but I'm deciding whether or not if I should slowly move it out of my life.

These are the few things I keep in mind everyday.
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I just want to be loved back by someone I love. Is that too much to ask for?
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I guess it is...

I'm not pretty. I'm not smart. I guess I'm funny, but don't compliment me.

I always compare myself. It's a bad habit I've formed over time. And uh... I guess it's slowly dying out. But it lingers on and on and on...

I stopped caring about my physical appearance and therefore, I stopped comparing my physical appearance with others. Over time, I convinced myself that I'm not good-looking, pretty, or all that stuff. Out of all my friend groups, I'm the "ugly" or "less-than-decent" looking person but I still have my inappropriate humor to hold onto. I guess it's nice. I stopped caring about how others see my bare-pimply-acne-scarred face. I mean, it's not like people haven't seen a pimple before so whatever. 

The one trait I really care about is being smart. I get praised for my grades and academic achievements more than my face. So I guess I just want to focus more on what's a more positive trait for me than a negative one. I can't help it but compare myself to my friends and my friends' friends. Well, some of my friends are over-achievers so that doesn't help a lot. I have this way of thinking where if you're a really smart person, you're perfect. It's weird. It's bad. I know. I know there are different types of intelligence and not everyone is good at everything but when some people describe others, it's as if they can do everything perfectly well and it kills my self-esteem. Like to the point where I need to lie down on my bed and nap it off for a bit. 

(I haven't been in a good mood lately because I'm sick, have a late af midterm I need to start writing, and went through an emotional experience where I kinda don't like hamsters anymore even though I own one.) 

I don't know if this relates to the topic but the points I made earlier kinda go into why I can't take compliments from guys seriously. Plus my previous experiences with assholes and catcallers add on to this. If a guy called me pretty, I won't take it seriously. Like dude, I know I'm ugly af. I know you're lying and just playing with me for the sake of your boredom. If a guy calls me smart, I'll refer back to those other smarter girls I know or heard about and won't take it seriously. Compliments from guys make me feel VERY uncomfortable. Like can they just not? I know that there are other better-looking, smarter, and more talented girls out there. Millions of them. So cut the bullshit dude. 

There's that but I low-key really want a guy to call me beautiful. I dunno it just sounds more genuine of a compliment. But not by saying it randomly. It has to be at the right moment. I dunno what kind of moments though lol. I've been single my entire life so all that romantic stuff is foreign to me. 

But whatever. It won't happen to me anyway. No point in thinking it'll ever be a thing in my life.

Let's not fall in love again. Ok? Good.

I need a break from studying physiology. I'm getting kinda sick of it lol. But waow I'm gonna talk about a topic I really hate talking about.

Love. Ew. It makes me cringe just thinking about the word.

I think I made a post last year on how I feel about that particular "thing". Eh. It's cringy and corny. Yeah it makes me feel uncomfortable. I have my reasons why I react that way towards love: 1. Past experiences with liking people led to me giving up on myself. 2. It's a fucking distraction. (Well for me...)

Life is complicated and unfair. But then again, it gives you what you need, not what you want. (I'll let you think about your life with those previous sentences.)

Ok, to clear up things, I don't like romantic love. The other kinds like parental, sibling, and friendly love, I'm perfectly fine with. But that particular one makes me want to gag out acid. My past experiences liking guys ended up with disappointment and some other life experiences that made me fear it. Yah know, cheating on your significant other because you're tired of them and want something exciting in your love life. It's been so common around me, sometimes I doubt my friendship with my closest friends. I'm scared that I'll be vulnerable enough to really trust someone and then having that person take advantage of me or leaving me behind as if I'm a worn-out lover or a useless toy to throw out later on when he's bored with me. Plus it's distracting af. I have better things to do than think about one specific person that toys with my actions and emotions. It's emotionally tiring and I hate being emotionally tired. I'm already an emotional person, so having an overload of emotions will make me go crazy. For example, in this scenario, I have finals but something bad happened between me and this guy I have a crush on. But because I'm an emotional person, I can't ignore the overwhelming emotions I'm experiencing at the moment which means I'm gonna get distracted. Getting distracted by an asshole that doesn't give a fuck about you? That's a really shitty reason why you can't get your shit together.

But it happens. And sometimes you have to deal with it.

My life playlist

This playlist was an assignment I had to do for my Asian American Studies class. I hope you enjoy this lol. It was pretty difficult for me to explain why these songs represent this moment in my life but overall, it was interesting...

...an old version of you:

Pink - Fuckin' Perfect

If you compared the old version of myself to who I am right now, the old Melissa wouldn't believe that I'd be a completely different person in the future. I used to be a shy and quiet person with a very low self-esteem. I was that kind of person to always take the blame even if it wasn't my fault. I didn't have many close friends because I would constantly worry about accidentally doing stupid in front of people. I often felt lonely because I thought that I didn't belong at school or at home. At home, my dad would constantly compare me to my older cousin because she did more extracurricular activities and had better grades than me. Eventually I became depressed and suicidal for a few years. I turned to music as my escape from the harsh reality of life because I was able to relate to the lyrics of songs or the feeling of the music. Music was the only thing that understood me and brought me comfort during those times. Fucking Perfect is one of the songs I listened to often during that time of my life.

...your best memory in middle school:

Taeyang - Only Look At Me

K-pop changed my life. It helped me become a better person which is the person I am today. I used to be very shy back then and I would have a difficult time meeting new people. Someone on my 8th grade basketball team introduced me to K-pop and I slowly became a different person, someone I would be proud of. The person that introduced me to K-pop also helped me through my depression and I'm always thankful for her introducing me and in a way, saving my life. She wrote me lists of K-pop songs I should listen to and I still have those papers with me today. Only Look At Me is one of the songs from the lists she wrote for me. I made new friends through K-pop as a way to start a conversation with people and some of those people are now my closest best friends.

...a time of joy:

Fiestar - One More

This song reminds me of all the amazing memories I had with my high school K-pop dance team, KDT. One More is one of the songs I performed with KDT and was my favorite song to perform in some of the events we did. Because I was new in the K-pop fandom, I decided to join a K-pop club to make new friends in a school where I didn't know anyone. After a few practices, performances, and social events, I noticed how much I've changed while spending time with KDT. I became more confident, social, and accepting of who I am.

...a time you forgave someone who wronged you:

Coldplay - The Scientist

I have a complicated relationship with the person that wronged me. To make things short, less complicated, and straightforward, one of my best friends used me for his physical needs. I liked him at first, then he lead me on, found out that he liked another girl, and he still continued to do things with me that made our situation even worse. A few months went by over the summer and I hated him. All of a sudden, he came over to my house to apologize to me. I thought about how much courage it took for him to apologize to me and how he wanted to tell me face to face instead of over a text. After a few talks, I forgave him. He truly felt sorry for what he did. I chose The Scientist because he was the one that introduce me to Coldplay and a few songs by them. I listen to this song when I recall the moments of what he did to me.

...someone you love:

Coldplay - Sparks

The person I love is the same person I forgave. Sparks is one of his favorite Coldplay songs. After becoming friends again during my first year of college, we've had some difficulty building up trust. But during that time, we've learned a lot about who we are as a person from our past mistakes. He was one of the people there for me when I had emotional breakdowns. I've become physically, emotionally, and spiritually comfortable around him. I chose to forgive him because I was hoping that we would be able to fix our friendship even though it was broken for a while. Eventually, the broken pieces from our broken friendship in the past became something beautiful today, like a colorful mosaic.

Curious and adventurous. Just like Alice.

I've been fascinated with Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and realized I'm like Alice. I have a childlike curiosity and a desire to explore the world.

I love to learn. My curiosity can come off as childlike because I ask questions as if I'm a kid in elementary school. It comes off sounding kinda stupid and it makes me look like an airhead at times. But it's pure curiosity. I want to know because whatever I'm asking about either interests or fascinates me. Sometimes my questions come out of nowhere, sometimes they come out after thinking about it for a while, and sometimes they come one after another. I can spend hours talking to someone about a weird topic if the person is willing to talk about it or can keep up a conversation with me. I guess I can say I'm pretty open-minded but I still have my biases. Nevertheless, I'm still willing to learn. Talk to me about your occupation, religion, political stances (I'm biased to being liberal af LOL), something you love, or your life lessons. Teach me about something that I have no clue about. If you're willing to give me a piece of your life, then I'll share a part of mine with you. Isn't that how we make connections and relationships with people? Giving a part of ourselves to others.

I have very protective parents when it comes to me going outside anywhere. Of course they're worried about me getting kidnapped, raped, robbed, or anything that'd have me end up in the hospital or jail. I wasn't allowed to walk around my quiet suburban neighborhood by myself when I was younger because there were a few creepy stalkers around outside the area I lived and sometimes they drove in my neighborhood. Once I was allowed to go somewhere by myself like walk to grocery store to buy juice, I loved every moment I had to myself. I didn't have to watch over someone. I walked at my own pace. It was just me, my thoughts, and the world. Going somewhere by myself gave me the time to think in peace. The more time I spent running errands by myself, I wanted or more like desired to explore more and more of the world. Seeing and experiencing new things help me see life realistically. There's so much people don't know about life... If only they took the time to stop and observe. That's what I do on my adventures. I observe, remember, and learn. 

Coming to San Francisco for college is a big step for me. It has a completely different vibe and lifestyle compared to living in a suburban area for a majority of my life. Someday I'll get the chance to live in a different state and maybe in a different country. 

The world is my Wonderland and I'm Alice, questioning and observing the unknown around me.

Sometimes a mental break is a must.

I know I could've done way better my freshman year of college. I did so much more my junior and senior years of high school. I was in an active dance team, kept up with 20 hours of community service per semester, maintained my GPA to a 3.5, and dealt with unnecessary drama and emotions. This also includes the stuff that happens in a dance teams such as weekday and weekend practices, practices I do on my own time, meetings for the dance team, socials/bonding events, and a number of performances that take up a majority of my day and energy. My schedule basically revolved around my dance team lol. Compared to my freshman year of college, all I did was occasionally go to dance practice, attend meetings for the kpop club that were at least once per month, occasionally met up with my friends, go to class, had emotional problems, and dealt with a problematic roommate. I wasn't really busy. So what happened?

I was mentally exhausted. 

The reason why I could keep up with all that in high school was because of my dance team. The happiness I felt while sacrificing my personal time and energy was worth it. I call it a physical-to-emotional investment. I allocated a portion of my physical effort and time in order to be a part of the team. In return, this huge chunk of satisfaction and happiness I received helped me maintain my hectic schedule tremendously. Investments kinda work like this right? I dunno. I'm not a business major LOL

I was missing that one key component which mentally helped me keep up with everything. To be honest, I was pretty depressed for the most part of my freshman year. When I had my mental breakdowns or when life was feeling pretty shitty at the moment, I didn't have anyone to talk to most of the time. It was either because I was mad at this person, this person was too busy to talk, this person wouldn't understand and would judge me for feeling this way, or because I wasn't close enough to this person. I cried on the rooftop of my apartment a few times, in the shower where no one could hear or see me crying, and most of the time on my desk. Sometimes I cried myself to sleep because something was bothering me so much, I couldn't sleep. And when I cried enough, I fell asleep. I did a lot of crying this year now that I think about it. 

I felt lonely most of the time. When one of my close friends messaged me, I'd get so excited because it meant that I could interact with someone. I think there were some days where I didn't open my mouth to speak because I didn't have anyone to talk to. I mean, technically I could talk to anyone but they were problems that were too personal.

I had a few migraines which meant that I was pretty stressed out. Like damn I had some bad migraines. Some of them to the extent of me skipping class because I felt like passing out and throwing up at the same with a pulsing pain on the left side of my head.

There were some moments when I needed a hug. Right now would be one of them. 

Late Bloomer

I'm late to a lot of things. Church, dance practice, lectures, assignment submissions, and meet ups with my friends. But guess what? I'm also late to my own character development.

I call myself a late bloomer because a lot of my life changing decisions and events are pretty last minute haha. I had a slight glow-up after high school (It was the glasses lol), decided to change my major from Nursing to Medicine this year, and I'm currently trying to work on controlling my mood swings because they're the worse.

I identify myself as an independent person because I like to be in control of my own actions and decisions. But yah know I'm not fully independent because I still rely on my parents for food and money lol. I'm fresh out of high school. It's understandable I guess hehe... Because I suddenly have all this independence living away from my parents, I realized that it'll take me a while to adjust and grow up. I'm surprised that I survived this far in a city AND in college honestly. I've had my number of bad times but everyone gets those.

So from now on, I'm gonna keep myself on task and I'll become harder on myself again.

I fucked up my freshman year of college but I can't do anything about it. It's over and all that I can do is improve.

Dear Grandpa and Grandma,

Hello there! I'm writing a letter to my grandparents. I honestly don't know how to start off honestly LOL There's so much I want to say so I'll just type it out here and copy and paste it onto Word, print it, and then send it to them. They helped my family and I in so many ways. I honestly don't know how to repay them back for all the kindness and love they gave to me. I'm hoping that becoming a doctor will make them proud.

So, here it is.

Dear Grandpa and Grandma,

Hello! I hope that you two have been healthy and doing well lately. It's that spring season right now when the weather's been having its good and bad days. Spring has its surprises like the weather. I hope the weather is pleasant where you two are.

I want to thank both of you for and helping my family and I with love and support, especially with the checks. College is very expensive haha. I really appreciate the words that were also in the letters with the checks. Something that I like to think about is that: Money is a consumer item that can be no longer be used after it's gone. Words can be used over and over again because they sometimes hold a sentimental value which is something that can't be measured, even with money. They have the power to inspire and create change.

San Francisco has taught me so much about life. I feel like I'm growing up and maturing the more time I spend here. Living in San Francisco and being a student at San Francisco State University taught me more than what's in the textbook or during 8AM lectures or in labs. I discovered more about myself and what I want out of life.

I spend at lot of my time going downtown or exploring more of San Francisco. It expanded my world a little bit since I would normally be tied down to wherever my parents went or where my friends wanted to hang out. But being on my own in college, I had the freedom to go around and be by myself. It was a good feeling of independence. Not the rebellious or empowerment kind but a sense of self. I become more aware of myself and my surroundings.

I also had time to think about my future occupation. At first I was settled with Nursing because I realized how much I love to learn about everything that relates to medicine, specifically with neurology. I became fascinated with how the nervous system works, especially the human brain. There's still so much more to discover about it.

Being the ambitious person that I am, I wondered if it was possible for me to become a doctor, specifically a neurosurgeon. I believe that I have the potential to do so, but I need to get my life together and decide if whether or not I want to choose this career. I gave the idea some thought and I chose to do my best to become a neurosurgeon. There will be a lot of sacrifices to make but I think it'll be worth it in the long run. Besides, working in the medical field goes along with my personal morals so that I wouldn't feel guilty about what I do for a living.

So now I've said everything about my experience in San Francisco so far. I have no regrets coming to San Francisco State. It really is the perfect school for me as a college undergrad. Thank you both again for supporting me and loving me throughout my life. I hope to make you both and my family proud someday!

With love,

Melissa

Mmmm...

Helloooo~

Yes I know, I haven't written anything in over more than a month. But that's because I've been trying to get my life together. A lot has happened lately. I moved to a new apartment, finals are coming up, my grades are slightly getting better, I yelled at a member from my dance team, had a mental breakdown, and yeah...

Mmmm... My blog feels unorganized but I'll fix everything when I have time.  I need to organize my life first (or at least try to).

Unstable

Ah. I'm having those days again. Rushing my assignments, cramming for exams, running to class.

I skipped English again because I found out that I didn't have the papers in order to turn in my final draft. It's already the third time. I can't skip again.

So then I decided to go to the gym today and dance for about an hour. It felt so good to dance again. I practiced for the upcoming performance that's next week. I think I'm gonna be ok. I just need to seriously get my life together.

My life is unstable.

Caffeine-Driven

Well, I had a lot of caffeine today. Wednesdays are my busiest day of the week and yet I'm still up. At least I know that the coconut coffee and my caffeinated vitamin drink are still working.

Omg. I thought that my midterm for econ was next week but I found out that it was yesterday LOL. So I rushed and studied my best hehe. I found out my study method for econ. All I have to do is read the book and actually complete the homework LOL. Normally, I would copy down the lecture notes onto a notebook but that method hasn't been successful in terms of actually remembering information. Plus, my professor for econ just sucks at making powerpoints. So I'll just go to class from now on and try to read the material beforehand. The midterm was ok but a bit more on the harder side. But it was still ok. I liked the problems that had math involved.

I'm still thinking about taking calculus next year. Math and science are so fascinating to me. This guy in my oral comm. class delivered his second speech about his passion for physics and was talking about a book called A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking. He was explaining about how significant the book is to him. Then he went on about the speed of light, gravity, and quantum physics. Like woah. That shit's fucking cool.

I'm more of a medical person because I think that medicine, learning more about the human body, and its physiology is fascinating. It's like learning more about yourself and other people but on a more physical-medical way with more complicated things that occur automatically inside you and terms that are more Latin and Greek. But as the ambitious and curious person that I am, I love to learn about new interesting things. As you can tell, more on the math and science stuff.

My notebook for my microbio lab is due tomorrow and I still haven't written anything in it yet lol. But yah know, it's ok.

I'm good.

Cogito ergo sum.

This week has been so tiring lately. There's so much that I'm thinking about right now. Overthinking is something that I do almost all the time. Seriously. There's so much going on in my head, I'm astounded to how I'm still sane.

Ever since I stopped talking to him, I started accepting my overthinking habits. Well, the thing about it, I don't want to call my thinking process as "overthinking" anymore because no matter what, overthinking is still thinking. There's just more thought involved and I see no problem to that.

Why am I suddenly accepting my thinking process?

Because I think it's beautiful.

Thinking a lot helps me become aware of everything whether they are explicit or inferred. I'm always aware of myself as who I am, my physical surroundings, and inferred situations such as knowing that something is wrong without being told that something is.

In relation to that, it led me to become a more observant and curious person. I noticed that small moments in life are just as important as the big ones. They're small but do happen frequently compared to significant moments that occur once in a while. I also find it nice when someone notices the small things about my life. To me, it shows that the person really does care and pay attention to you because it's difficult to remember the small details about people.

See. To some people, it seems as if I'm overthinking about life. But honestly, without giving anything much thought, there wouldn't be much advancement in humanity. A lot of the everyday tasks, objects that we use, and everything that is in our lives right now wouldn't have been in existence if it we didn't give a lot of thought to them.

Emotionally tired

I'm really hungry right now but I'll get up and cook food when I feel that I really need it.

It's one of those nights. Expecting a lot but end up feeling disappointed. The feeling bothers me a lot, especially since it's hard for me to concentrate or I guess do anything like eating. I'm laying here in bed feeling lonely, tired, and disappointed. Maybe next time I'll be on the roof of my apartment looking at the view. Probably tomorrow afternoon. I dunno.

I hate Valentine's Day.

Well, that horrid day is coming up so why not have a post about my opinions and feelings about it?

Yes, I fucking hate Valentine's Day. This post will be I guess a collection of how I feel about it, how I deal with "I like you" feelings, and I guess some other stuff related to romantic love (which I think is stupid for me personally but I'll get to that later on).

Ok. Why do I hate Valentine's Day? Well, let's start off with knowing that I always contradict myself because of how open-minded I am. I'm not saying that to show off honestly. Sometimes, being open-minded sucks and confusing. I hate Valentine's Day because it reminds me of how lonely and single I am.

I do say that I love being single because there's no one to hold me back from doing what I want, but then being single with a crush fucking sucks because for me, I know that things will never happen between us. So then my way of coping with the fact that I know that he doesn't like me back is saying that I love being single over and over till I do feel like being single is fun. At times it does work with those feelings pushed way back in my mind, hoping that I would ignore it and not think about it. However, it's still there even though I try to keep it off my mind. Even if I hide it, it's still there but hidden. It won't go away unless if I do something about it. But nah, I'll just maintain how things are even though I know that I'm gonna get hurt in the future and that I'm too scared to deal with them because of the unknown of what will happen.

Yeah, to be honest, I would like to be in a relationship but the thing with me and my emotions LOL. Not fun. I get jealous very easily because of how much I overthink. I've been so jealous to the point of wanting to go up and punch the person I'm mad at. But I avoid being violent about it and vent instead.

I really hate having feelings for someone. I want to go back to those days when I didn't have someone on my mind almost 24/7. But nah my feelings just can't with the concept of completely ignoring those "I like you" feelings even for a day. Like shit man, I didn't ask for this.

It hurts a lot. I'm so fucking tired of feeling disappointed, jealous, and I guess heart-broken in general. I really am scared of ending up lonely. I know that I can be single and make money for myself. but that's only for my physical needs to stay alive. I feel like I give a lot of love but then I never receive the same amount back. I say that's ok, it's better to give than to receive. But it emotionally drains me. Sometimes I want someone to show the same love for me as I do with the other.

It's never going to happen though LOL. I know it for sure. Romantic love is stupid and pointless for me. I'm only saying that to comfort myself though. I'm scared to open myself to my feelings to the guy because the last few times I did that, I ended up being an emotional and depressed mess. I would sleep for most of the day after I come home from school and barely eat dinner. And if I did eat dinner, I'd barely eat anything. Like a few bites and then go up to my bed and sleep.

The only time I'm ok with romantic love is with K-dramas LOL. Yes, I know. Weird. But it fills that empty void of how what it's like to be in love. Yes, I know it's not the same but it's something. It's either that or nothing.

I'll end this with a quote. And yes, it's from a K-pop song. Wow what a surprise lol.

"돌아보지 말고 떠나가라. 또 나를 찾지말고 살아가라. Don’t look back and leave, don’t find me again and just live on. Because I have no regrets from loving you, so only take the good memories." - Big Bang, Haru Haru (하루하루)

It's lonely in the city

The city life is great but once in a while, it gets lonely here. SFSU is a commuter school which means that everyone comes and goes. Everyone's busy doing something. Because everyone's busy, people don't have time to hang out. 

It's not the full college experience I expected. Well, I'm experiencing a majority of it, but at times it gets lonely. Like right now. I try to distract myself from it with homework or browsing through Youtube videos.

I dunno how to explain it. It's a thing with commuter schools. You have to experience it to know what it's like. I still love the city life, but it gets lonely at times.

First impressions of second semester

Well shit I'm tired. It could be because I'm still recovering from Sunday night but wow I already had homework the first day of class. Then it built up to more homework from today. And now I feel like crap because I'm also going to try and achieve my New Years resolution which is to get a better butt. Meh. It deflated after I stopped dancing in KDT. So I decided to take the stairs instead of the elevator from now on. But one of my classes is on the 5th floor. And I live on the 10th floor.

The things I do to have a nice butt...sigh...

I'm really scared about my oral communications class instead of macroeconomics. I'm that scared of public speaking. I have a lot of cringy-worthy moments of me tragically failing at speaking in front of an audience. Ugh.

My winter break so far

Hello hello there~ As you can tell from the double hello, I'm in a good mood now. My dad might come downstairs and tell me to go to bed anytime soon but I felt like blogging for a bit (even though I was distracted with Facebook and Youtube videos lol.)

So, my winter break so far was chill and memorable. I wasn't in the holiday-Christmas spirit because it felt pretty lonely. Well, you can tell from the posts from around that time heh. But yes, I didn't feel that Christmas spirit. It was a bitter and lonely holiday despite being around friends and family. 

Tragically, I caught symptoms of the flu but thankfully I was still able to hang out with my friends even with the horrid cough I had with my faith in medication and willpower. You know the thing I noticed, I felt worse staying in bed than going out and moving around while I was sick. So, the lesson I learned from it is to try and be as active as possible when you're sick. I had a hard time getting up from the bed at first because my body was aching all over but then I forced myself to get up and stretch and move around a bit because I wanted to get better and also hang out with my friends. Yup, willpower is also a must in getting better. Also medication but I won't go into further detail because that would take paragraphs and a few hours for that explanation. 

I watched a movie with my friends and hung out at the mall for a bit. I swear one of my best friends is amazing at DDR. That'd be cool if I could have amazing footwork like that when dancing but then I also heard that dancers suck at DDR sooooo nah. LOL 

At the end of the night, I had that talk with my other best friend that I really wanted because there was a situation that was bothering me for a while. It went pleasant and fine surprisingly. At first it was a bit awkward starting things because it was difficult for me to say what I wanted to talk about. There were some quiet moments and more awkward moments but all went well and now our friendship is fine~ I thought that I'd be more emotional but everything turned out fine. 

Few days after, I hung out with the same best friend that I had the talk with and went out for some pho (Well I had pho, he didn't) and a Starbucks brownie for dessert. It was chill~ Then some other stuff happened and uh, let's just say that I'm growing up LOL. I had my first kiss (Yes I know, really late but I've never had a boyfriend before so whatever). It was soft. LOL That's all I can say honestly. I'm fine with him being my first kiss even though I expected it to be with my first boyfriend. It's from someone that I really care about and trust so I'm completely fine with it. But the other stuff hehe was nice. I don't want it to be too NSFW with the description but let's just say that it felt amazing. Rough too but I like it rough if yah know what I mean ;) We're still friends though. There were some things that weren't said and I misinterpreted them as something else so it's ok, I understand. That's why healthy communication is a thing. We kewls :3 

Then more chill days with getting over my cough and gaining the weight that I lost from getting sick. I lost four pounds when I had symptoms of the flu. I freaked out a bit after the nurse weighed me when I had my check up because I like to maintain 100-105 lbs as my weight. It's a bit light even for a short person like me but it's good to have something to hold onto if yah know what I mean ;) 

My cousin came over and visited my family for a bit and now she's back at Berkeley since she starts school next week. She made Rice Krispies and also made ones that had matcha. I ate a lot of them. Like an unhealthy amount XD But it's ok, I have a fast metabolism~ 

My lower back has been hurting for a while because I've been leaning over to pull my grandma up for me to feed her and to change her diaper. It's been hurting a bit sometimes so I've been in need of a massage there. I asked my sister to massage me there since she gives good massages to my parents, her former coach, and volleyball teammates but I dunno, I get so ticklish when she tried to massage me. The only massage I got from someone and didn't feel ticklish was from one of my best friend (The dude with the talk and the other stuff lol). Like I dunno I just don't freak out. I tried massaging my back myself and it kinda worked but it also felt like some things that are too inappropriate to put down here so I stopped LOL I'm probably gonna ask him to give me another massage later on if my back hurts at that time. 

So as of now, I'm waiting for my sister's Lunar Show performance with KDT at her school to come up. I'm so proud of KDT and how much they've grown. I miss my KDT babies <3 

Life is chill at the moment (Please be chill till my break ends. I'm gonna cry about macroeconomics.) and I'm taking in all the clean air before I go back to San Francisco in a few weeks and the cheap food because everything in San Francisco is expensive. Even the concert tickets. Well, I'm only interested in K-pop concerts but they're mainly held in big cities like LA, New York, and SF. But since it's an international thing, ticket prices are crazy. I wanted to go to the CL concert with a friend of mine but tickets were $90 ;__; There's an upcoming HyunA concert in March but tickets are $89 for general admission ;__; K-pop hurts my wallet but it's ok. It also makes me happy ~(^o^)~