Connections with love

Yeeey I finally have some time to write~ I kinda miss writing and I'm happy I have some time to do it this week. Mmmm... I don't really know what to write about but it'll be something random from scrolling though tumblr. I'll write about something that stimulates some kind of thought.

Oooo I have a good one. Let's digress about love and maintaining a healthy connection with someone. Ok, talking about love makes me feel like a shitty person most of the time but right now, I'm having some good feels about it. So let's vent it all out and recollect my thoughts while I'm still optimistic about it. 

The one thing I want to focus on within the wide spectrum of topics about love are the different ways someone shows love. Being in a stereotypical Asian American family, it's difficult to explicitly show love to your parents and siblings. Because of that, it can give off the impression that no one really cares about anyone. But you don't have to show love explicitly. Sometimes it's shown through simple actions. Let's use cooking as an example: When your mom or dad cooks dinner. When your parents cook dinner for you, they invested time and effort to keep you healthy and well-fed. Cooking for you means that they did it for you, they prioritized you. Like when you put effort and time into someone or something, it means that it's worth the time and effort sacrificed because it's really important to you. Knowing that your parents cook for you everyday or at least do their best to keep you well-fed means that you're a priority to them every single day. You're worth the time and effort they give to keep you safe and happy.

Another thing random thing I want to bring up is about close relationships whether they're relationships with a significant other or with friends. After observing and thinking about my closest friendships and connections with people, I realized that you need to have some kind of conflict or problem and overcome it in order to have a stronger connection/relationship. No one is perfect which means that there's no such thing as a perfect relationship/friendship. Mistakes will be made and people will get hurt because we're human. It happens. But just because those mistakes hurt and we hurt the ones affected by those mistakes doesn't mean that we aren't able to fix those mistakes or should be fine with letting stuff like that go. If you really do care about the other person, you would communicate to the other person about it and talk things through. Then do something about it. Both people have to put in effort or else it'll be a one-sided problem. If it's one-sided, then you have to re-consider having that person in your life. For me, the most meaningful relationships/friendships are with people that I've had some difficult problems with. Overcoming those help strengthen the connection you have with that person. Plus, it makes life a bit more meaningful.

I did it! First day of counseling!

I got counseling for the first time today! It wasn't much since it's only the first day but I'm really happy I got enough courage to go through the process.

I was pretty nervous while I was filling out the paperwork because once I signed the papers, there was no turning back on this. When I was called up and followed the counselor, I felt even more nervous and emotional. Once I started talking about the gist of my depression, I felt like crying just a few minutes into the conversation. The counselor started asking simple questions about my depression and I couldn't help but start tearing up. It was pretty difficult at first because I was trying to keep my composure so I could talk more instead of crying most of the time. Then things calmed down after she talked to me about everything.

She told me not to give up on my dream and that there are other way for me to achieve it. What she found saddening was that I was giving up at a young age. I'm 19 right now and there are plenty of med school students that finished in their late 20s and early 40s. That gives me a little bit of hope.

We ended things off on a positive note. She told me to think about a way to cope with my depression and to find something that gives my life meaning or something I look forward to in life. I perform and dance with my friends in the dance team as a way to cope with it. I really don't know what gives my life meaning. I never really thought about it until today. I guess missing out on significant life moments pushes me to carry on so I can experience them. For example, I never knew I would get my first kiss, go on a date, or cuddle with someone back then. Here I am now saying that I have experienced those moments and they're even more important since I experienced them with someone special. He means a lot to me and I'm happy he was the one I had my "firsts" with.

Then I was told that I'd be moving to a different counseling place because the one I went to today is only for short-term counseling. I've had depression for nine years so I need to move where long-term counseling is provided. At the counseling place I'll be going to tomorrow, I'll have weekly appointments and the counselor I had today will be getting updates about my progress and have a follow up appointment to see how I'm doing with therapy.

I'm proud of myself for taking this first step into therapy. I'm looking forward to the weekly appointments and getting better someday :)

Pure Happiness

There are a few times in my life where I've felt pure happiness. Not happiness felt with others but when you're alone.

It's that feeling when you step outside, the sky is blue, and the sun is shining down on you. Your body feels the sunlight caressing your skin and it warms you up as you walk aimlessly or wherever you need to go. A smile slowly forms on your face while you lift your head and inhale the cool air. You walk with music playing in your ears and a skip in your stride. 

Everything feels perfect. 

Selfies and many more of them

It's been a while since I've had some good vibes. Selfies bring me good vibes because they make me feel pretty. So here yah go. Some good vibes with my face in makeup. One of my roommates did it~ She's so kewls~~

Questionnaire love

I just found a tumblr blog full of surveys/questionnaires. 

*heavy breathing* I love questionnaires. 

Here's the link if yah wanna check it out: http://citychicksurveys.tumblr.com/

Have fun~

Snapchat trash

I've become snapchat trash because of peer pressure from my sister LOL

These filters give me life.

Hello there 2017.

2017 is off to a good start. Well, for me. Is karma compensating for shitty 2016? I dunno. Maybe...

New glasses~

I feel cute in my new glasses :3 Natural and quirky according to one of my friends haha :D

Successful connections and some feels

Right now I'm typing out whatever I can think of so that I can get in the mood to actually work on my essay that I've been procrastinating on for a long time.

You know this whole getting over him this isn't really working out for me lol. It's like I dunno. It has its ups and downs. Like life. It's been pretty chill so far. He's busy. I'm busy. But when we do have time to text we text. Yeah, it's pretty chill right now. I know it won't be for long but I want to savor the good times and the chill times yah know? Yeah I still love him and all that. At times I wonder if my feelings for him are drifting away just because things are chill and that's obviously not the case. It's just means that we're comfortable with each other and that's good. You don't want to feel uncomfortable with someone that's close to you. If things are, then you two gotta work it out somehow. Being understanding is very important too. For example, if you know that the other person is really busy and isn't responding to your texts and you're freaking out about that, chill. That person will respond to you eventually. Besides, at least you're not being ignored and that the person actually will give you a part of their time for you. I mean, it's not much but it's something. Anyway, yeah chill man. Be understanding. Or maybe I'm just comfortable feeling that way towards him. Probably both. Oh yeah communication is key to any friendship and relationship. It goes in hand with being understanding. Being comfortable with someone means that both people are understanding and accepting of each other and honest (and by honest I mean being straight-forward and not ambiguous). That's just me though. Now, I've never been in a relationship before and so what I just said might not be considered legitimate but I've seen what my friends that are still in successful 3+ years of a relationship do and it's pretty much all that. But I have been friends with this guy for a while and at one point, I thought that our friendship was over. Like "I'm just gonna pretend that you don't exist" over because he did something that really hurt me. But yah know things happened, conversations, second chances, understanding each other, honesty, and now he's one of my best friends LOL. I didn't forgive him for what he did though. Let's just say that it really affected me physically and mentally. But what counts is that we're still friends to this day and I'm so happy and thankful that I decided to message him that one night. Or that one day that freaked the hell out of me. I mean it showed that he was really sorry. Knowing me, I can't ignore something like that because I overthink. Thanks God for that moment haha. He still considers me as one of his best friends but I dunno... I still feel like I'm not because I don't feel worthy enough. It's still one of the things I think about today. I have those times when I feel insecure about how much I mean to people. I mean, I know that my self worth shouldn't be based on how much you're worth to someone else but I have those thoughts at times. I'm human just like you. BUT a majority of the time I know I'm worth much more that someone's opinion of me. My perspective of myself is enough because it's what makes me feel respected and beautiful.

I have a headache now... I dunno why I've been getting headaches lately... Maybe it's the glasses? I dunno... Sleep? No... I took a nap in the afternoon after church. Well, technically after I walked home from the park. I was on the swing for 30 minutes and was so sore after I got off. I was walking weirdly. Like in small steps when I feel cute at times haha. But yeah I think I'm gonna get bruises on my arms and hips lol. Kinky thinking a bit there LOL.  But it was worth it. I haven't been on a swing in a long time. I felt so innocent, happy, and free. It takes me back to the happier memories of my childhood when my dad would push me on the swings at the park that was near my house. I love going on the swings and obviously I still do. I know I'm gonna go back there after church every Sunday from now on.

My left ear hurts because of the left temple of my new glasses. I dunno why my right side doesn't hurt. Ugh I just touched the outer part of the top of my left ear and it's so sore...

I'm feeling a bit sick to the stomach now... I think I'll go and do some research for my essay and then try to come up with something tomorrow. It's due tomorrow too but I got an A on the first essay I rushed sooooo... yeah. College procrastination at its finest.

How often do I wear a fake smile?

51. How often do I wear a fake smile?
I used to wear a fake smile often but not anymore. I'll save that for another post.

This brings back so many depressing moments, but it has a happy ending. Back then when I was really depressed and a bit suicidal, I read that smiling in the mirror helps when you just cried a lot so that people won't tell that you just cried a lot. One day, I was at a school festival and I felt lonely and ignored, as if you're surrounded by a lot of people but you feel like you don't belong. I went to the bathroom and cried. Then I tried smiling in the mirror because I didn't want people to see that I was crying a lot a few minutes ago. I looked like a mess. Then I tried smiling. It felt weird and uncomfortable at first but I went on to washing and wiping my face.

I kept doing that every time after I cried. I did it so often, it became a habit. After getting over my depression with the help of my friend Leah, I noticed something about myself while I was looking in the mirror.

"Wow. I'm pretty when I smile."

I realized I had a habit of smiling in front of the mirror and why it became a habit. I'm thankful for it.

To all those out there suffering from depression or having a bad day: Smile. Things will get better.

Reasons why I'm K-pop trash

Lowkey fangirling a bit because BTS and their teaser for their new album. Ugh it's gon be lit I swear.

Aside from that, I've been thinking about how I've grown so much as a person it's amazing. Back then in middle school, I was really depressed. To the point where I wanted to give up on life. Not gonna write in detail because my past self was really dark and disturbing but yeah it was lonely and depressing. And then K-pop came into my life.

Ok, I really hate people that talk shit about it. It pisses me off. Like really dude, shut up. If something makes someone happy, then let that person be happy. Don't ruin someone's happiness just because you're a little prick about it. 

Haha I was being a bit salty there. Anyway, once K-pop came into my life, it changed for the better. I'm so blessed I was introduced to it. I met so many friends through K-pop because it really does bring people together. It's amazing how this genre of music is so popular worldwide even though a majority of us fans can't understand the language. Music has no language. Classical music doesn't even have a language!!! It's a bunch of notes and yet people love it. (Like me hehe I love Chopin's nocturnes). And yeah hehe.

I started dancing through K-pop because it looked so cool to dance like that. Dancing heh. KDT too. Man good times. I miss them <3 I love my second family so much. When I was giving my senior speech at the end of the year picnic, I cried a lot. (I made everyone cry too because I was crying heh. The love we have for each other is real.) KDT taught me how to feel beautiful. Before, I couldn't imagine myself dancing in front of people. I had social anxiety. Now you see me dancing everywhere in public with my earbuds in like some idiot. But you know what? I don't care. Well a majority of the time.

Once you stop caring about what people think about you, life is great. As long as you know that you have people that love you for who you are, you'll be fine. Because of K-pop, I came to love myself and the people around me. Well. There are some people I don't like but you can't be friends with everyone.