Bad Habits

I just realized how severe my depression is the past few months and it's sad that I've had it for 9 years. It's the reason why I feel nothing some days, why I know I have great potential to do better but somehow drastically fall behind, and why I struggle with making friends and keeping those friendships. The first one doesn't really affect my life but the other two are the things in my life that I'm constantly thinking and worrying about.

I have those days where I'm really out of it. Not "I'm tired" out of it but "I can't feel my emotions" out of it. It mostly comes up on those days when I barely say anything for the majority of my day. It feels like I don't exist, as if my very presence in this world doesn't matter. It's not in a suicidal way but more of a thoughtful, quiet, and strange way. It's really weird.

When I say that I know I have great potential to do better, it's knowing that I can a productive and happy person if my depression wasn't such a bitch. My grades are the reason why this is a problem. I started off my freshman year of college with a 2.5 GPA. I know I could've done better. I know I could've tried harder. But whenever I get another depression episode, I can't focus on anything or think straight and I start forgetting things easily. One time in my math class, I had a hard time focusing on an activity because I was thinking about my depression. Before that class, I was talking to my academic counselor about my depression and it ended with me walking out the room with dry tears on my face. I couldn't understand what the professor was talking about and all I mostly did was stare at my paper. There was another time when my depression affected my grades because I had to email my professor that I wasn't going to class. I was in the shower and all of a sudden, I started thinking about my life and how unhappy I am. Then I started crying in the shower for a while, curled up in a ball with the water pouring on me. I felt so vulnerable in that moment. After that emotional shower, I was so tired from crying so much, I didn't have the motivation to go to class. I emailed my professor about how I wasn't going to class with the reason why. He did send an email back with support which is a good thing. But yeah, could've been more productive and on task with my assignments but nooooo. I'm really depressed dammit.

I really hate this part of my depression. It mixes anxiety AND depression so it's worse that the last two. The first one doesn't really affect me. I just feel it in the moment of things and it's only once in a while. The second one doesn't happen that often but it definitely happens. The third one can last for a while. Days, a week, weeks, a few months. It varies on how I get rid of or solve the issue. My anxiety can pop up with these random thoughts about how people don't like me and how lonely I am. I even tell myself that I'll be lonely because right now, I'm having a hard time keeping a positive mindset about the people I care about. Some days, the thoughts come up whenever I see my friends hanging out with other people that they're closer too and I get really jealous. I get jealous because my friends have time to see each other and hang out with someone while I'm always busy with homework and studying. I rarely see anyone now. Then I start feeling lonely... People don't ask me to hangout with them because they know how busy I am and it's sad... My schedule doesn't fit well with all of my friends so it's difficult to make plans. Plus, it's always me making plans with people. I want someone to ask if they could hangout with me. I know it sounds selfish but it's just nice to know that people still think about me. Sometimes I feel like I'm being forgotten... Whenever something negative happen between me and someone one I care about, I run away and hide. I get scared of the other people because I hurt that person or that person is mad at me. I'm scared that the person will leave me. So to avoid that, I run away and hide and leave first. I know that communication could've solved the problem but I'm scared that the person will stop being there for me because of what I did to hide from that person. I won't stop thinking about it until I finally gather enough courage to talk about it or let the other person say something about it and see where the conversation goes from there.

So, as you can see, my life is filled with constant emotional stress, occasional depression episodes, emotional breakdowns, isolation from others, a lack of motivation to be productive, days and nights spend with tears, dark thoughts, and a small constant reminder telling me to stay strong and look forward to something good in the future. Even if it's just looking forward to eating my next meal, going out to milk tea places, or walking around downtown San Francisco, it's something I can have hope for. Plus a constant need for a good hug. I miss those good quality, warm feeling hugs.

2018 is an emotional mess.

The New Year 2018 hasn't been the best for me so far. I got a headache during the family New Year's Eve party, finished 2017 with bad thoughts and feelings, and cried during the first few minutes of 2018. Today, I was crying a few minutes ago.

I've been feeling lonely and out of place for a while. A few months ago, I had this thought: Everyone will leave me and I'll end up by myself because everyone has that one person or that group of people that they would rather hangout with. For example, if you had to pick, would you hangout with someone that you're kinda close to or your best friend? Of course you would prioritize the person you care about the most, your best friend. I'm that "kinda close to" person to everyone, even to the people I consider as my best friends. They are to me but I know I'm not theirs. I know that there are others that they care about more and I understand.

I'm just there.

It's been so difficult internalizing this. I have random moments where I push people away. I delete messages, avoid people saying hi to me, and come up with excuses to not hangout with anyone.

I want to cry in someone's arms instead of crying by myself. I want someone to tell me that I'll be ok, I won't be lonely. But it won't happen.

Even the people that I want to stay in my life will leave. They say they won't leave but I'm still scared. I don't want to tell them how I feel because I don't want to give them extra baggage to constantly reassure me that I'm still loved.
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I don't feel loved. Maybe that's why I feel lonely.

Relapse

I've been feeling depressed lately. It feels like I don't belong anywhere and I'm all alone. Because I feel out of place with groups of people, I get uncomfortable and then leave.

I'm not lost. I just don't have a home. I don't have a place or someone or something to help me feel comfort.

Once in a while...

Oh dear... The uneasy feeling is back and wow such bad timing. I have a midterm tomorrow and it's bothering me right now dammit.

I was listening to this song earlier and that's why I feel kinda uneasy right now:
Davichi - 괜찮아 사랑이야 It's Okay, That's Love (OST)

I have it on my playlist so you can take a listen if you want. The meaning of that song reminds me of a lot of sad memories and listening to it makes me feel sad... I thought that yah know, it wouldn't bother me anymore... I don't have anymore feelings, but once in a while it pops up in my head and it bothers me. But it takes time for the deepest scars to heal.

Here's the translation of the song if you're too lazy to look it up.

Do you see my heart?  Why is it love?
I was never gonna fall in love again, I’m such a fool
Why am I happy? I think of your face
Only stay by my side, forever you
You came to me with the wind like the swaying flowers
You knocked on my heart, I love you
My heart hurts when I see you, It’s alright, it’s love
My flawed heart and my love Will you accept it? Me?

Why are you only smiling?
Look into my eyes
Keep this trembling feeling, hug me

You came to me with the wind like the swaying flowers
You opened my eyes, I love you
My heart hurts when I see you, It’s alright, it’s love
My flawed heart and my love Will you accept it? Me?
Love me, I love you Oh love

Freedom

It's late. I have to wake up at 6:30AM to get ready and catch the Muni around 7:30-7:45. I have a discussion to prepare for a class I have at 9.

But I had another mental breakdown. And I finally admitted to myself that I'm depressed again.

There's two reasons why but it all comes down to one main problem: Restriction.

I'm like a bird in a cage. Each metal rod restrains me from flying out to freedom, where I can explore the world and become my own person. I could think for myself, have control of my actions, and achieve success on my own terms. I want to be in control of my body and thoughts. I want to be responsible for my life. I want freedom. But it's difficult to do all of it when there's something holding you back, especially when there's more than one.

I took way too many classes my freshman year of college and it was a lot for me. Now I have a shitty GPA. I know I could've done better. I'm ashamed for not going through with what was best for me.

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Feeling inadequate. This is where my low self-esteem comes in. Ok, I have a somewhat high self-esteem when it come to my physical features like my body. I love my body. But when it comes to my own mentality of how I see myself as a person, it's get depressing. I compare myself to a lot of people. Sometimes it's because one person is doing something better than me or because I feel unworthy of someone whether it be being a daughter or a friend. The first one is something I kinda let go. The second one is more of the issue. It bothers me because how some people deserve to be around people better than me. I question why people that are so amazing at doing so much in life talk to or hang around someone like me. I don't go to a private university or a UC. I'm lagging behind some of my former classmates with significant life achievements such as getting a license or a job or an internship. I'm kinda book smart? Kinda... I've never been in a relationship. Every single guy I liked rejected me. I'm just eh. I haven't done much compared to my other friends.

My parents have been the ones making or influencing almost all of my academic decisions. It's the whole thing with them saying that they know what's best for me. But honestly, it's not. I'm not close to my parents so they don't really know what works best for me. Whenever I talk to my parents, it mostly ends up in criticism and it gets on my nerves every time. They can't trust me with what I think works best for me so how can I trust them with their decisions for me? Don't get me wrong. I love my parents. But they hold me back, especially since family is so important to me. When I get mad at my dad for making me feel horrible about how I'm lagging behind my friends and former classmates, I let it go because he's still my father. When I get mad at my mom for not trusting me whenever I hang out with my friends, I let it go eventually because she's my mother. I know they've sacrificed a lot for my siblings and I to get this far in life. So why do I still listen to them despite it affecting a lot of my life decisions? Because I feel in-debt to them. A lot happened in my family. There were some times when it felt like it was falling apart because someone was being selfish, arrogant, and inconsiderate (I hate that person with a burning passion. I hate that person so much, I want that person to burn in Hell for what that person did to my family). But they fixed things because of the kids. They knew that we needed support from both parents. Knowing everything that happened in my family's drama, listening to my parents yelling, breaking things, and smashing holes into the wall, and comforting my siblings during the aftermath of intense arguing from my parents, I know that letting go of my parents will be the most difficult for me to become free.

It's late. It's almost 2:30. I need to sleep so I can wake up at 6:30 to work on my discussion.

Emotionally tired

I'm really hungry right now but I'll get up and cook food when I feel that I really need it.

It's one of those nights. Expecting a lot but end up feeling disappointed. The feeling bothers me a lot, especially since it's hard for me to concentrate or I guess do anything like eating. I'm laying here in bed feeling lonely, tired, and disappointed. Maybe next time I'll be on the roof of my apartment looking at the view. Probably tomorrow afternoon. I dunno.

It drifts away in a few minutes...

Sometimes I overthink happiness away since I do it often. I sit and think about a lot of scenarios and slowly bring myself into sadness.

It happens a lot... I can't help it though. I'm used to thinking like that for myself but not for others. I'm more optimistic with others. 

It's easier said than done.

You can tell me to think positively but it's so hard to force yourself. Especially when it's difficult to convince yourself when you're so used to thinking negatively and life has been going downhill lately. It's really easy for me to go back to my depressed self since I'm really emotional and I overthink easily, especially when things happen that I have no control over.

My headache is gone but I think it's gonna come back later.

I'm still apologetic to my friend. I'm really sorry that I put you in a depressing mood. I really am. I feel bad for putting you in a bad mood when you wanted to be happy. I'm sorry.

I hate it too.

Same.

This is literally me with the guy I have feelings for oh my goodness but like with me it's unrequited love. It's still something lol.

Okay this isn't good...

I'm so sorry for this. I swear I didn't drink any alcohol today.

It's been really difficult for me lately to look forward to anything in life. A month or a bit more into college and it feels like I lost a part of who I am. I haven't been passionate about anything. Not even looking forward to meeting up with friends, late assignments, and especially kpop and dancing and you know how much kpop and dancing means to me. They're the reasons why I got out of my depression. Sometimes I wonder if I'm having a relapse and I'm slowly falling back. Honestly, this feels like shit. This feels different from the time when I was depressed because I felt lonely and started degrading myself. I know I have people that love and care about me, but I feel empty.

I lost my desire to love. And because of that, I lost the passion that kept me looking forward to whatever happens in life.

Is it me or am I starting to give up on life?

I'm really serious about this. 

For a while, I've been starting to have a hard time finding passion in anything worth doing. It's so difficult for me to be scared about anything honestly. A month into college and I started not caring about anything. There have been some good times and bad times but, I don't know. 

I'm scared. I'm not motivated to do anything. Nothing so far has mentally stimulated me to do anything.

I feel dead on the inside. 

My dad asked me to write an essay about why I want to be a doctor. I want to but... I don't have the reason known to me why I want to. Maybe I just don't know yet but right now, I have nothing. 

This scares me. Normally, I'm passionate in what and who I love. It's as if a part of me is gone and now I have to find it. 

I want something to spark that passion in me. 

I want to look forward to something,

I want something that will make me feel excited and happy and passionate about life.

Because I feel dead on the inside.

Maybe...

I don't know why. But I stopped caring about a lot of things. It's strange. I do have goals in life. I want to become a surgeon because I want to do more to help people. I want to help save lives. But as a surgeon, it's a matter of life or death. I'm not even terrified about the fact that I failed a majority of my midterms the past two months and the semester ending soon.

I want to stress out about homework. I want to stress out about failing my classes. I want to stress out about turning in my essays and projects late and unfinished. I want to stress out about something.

But I can't. Because I stopped caring. I want to but I can't and it frustrates me so much.

I stopped caring about so many things that should be important to me but I somehow can't panic or stress about them.

Maybe the amount stress from the first semester of my senior year in high school was so much, it lead me to stop caring about a lot of things.

Maybe it was the stress from my boy problem the second semester of senior year in high school. I didn't sleep or eat well at that time and it was honestly a traumatic experience.

Maybe because I gave up on love because it gave up on me. Not through family or friends but with people that I liked and the guy I have feelings for now. Because I don't want to love, I stopped caring.

At this point in life, I'm probably used to feeling disappointment because it happens so often. The mental stress from last year killed me. I don't want to love the way I feel about this guy that I like.

Maybe it's because I don't want to love.

Or maybe I'm denying it. Maybe I want to love but I'm scared to openly admit it because I don't want to get hurt again.

It'll be difficult for me to open up again.

I'm a whole mess of emotions now. Trump is president. I'm really tired but there's so much that I have to do and all my unfinished tasks and I don't want to disappoint my dance team because I'm co-coordinator and I'm tearing up now.

See, I'm stressing out. This is good. Not for my acne though lol.

But I want to love someone without having the fear of feeling disappointment. I know that there are other ways to love but I'm scared.

I'm frustrated and terrified and scared that my fear to love someone and to be disappointed in the end will take over me and I'll stop caring.

I feel so empty inside. I miss that passion I feel when I care about something or someone.

I feel as if I'm not myself.

Chill.

The cat that's in my apartment scratched my upper inner left thigh and that's a really sensitive area. It was bleeding a lot and now I have a paper towel on it that's held by 2 band-aids. It stings like hell even with the paper towel. I swear this cat just loves to annoy me. I was so annoyed with her chewing on my laptop, my wires, and bugging the hell out of me, I had to move some of my stuff in my closet. I mean my area looks cleaner but there was so much stuff on my mind, the cat was the last thing I wanted to think about. At one point, I wanted to cry out of frustration.

I apologize to my friend in Utah. I'm drinking thai tea and pocky right now and yes, I know it's very bad for my cough since I sounded like I was dying last night but I need my comfort food to help me chill the fuck down. 

It still stings...

How often do I wear a fake smile?

51. How often do I wear a fake smile?
I used to wear a fake smile often but not anymore. I'll save that for another post.

This brings back so many depressing moments, but it has a happy ending. Back then when I was really depressed and a bit suicidal, I read that smiling in the mirror helps when you just cried a lot so that people won't tell that you just cried a lot. One day, I was at a school festival and I felt lonely and ignored, as if you're surrounded by a lot of people but you feel like you don't belong. I went to the bathroom and cried. Then I tried smiling in the mirror because I didn't want people to see that I was crying a lot a few minutes ago. I looked like a mess. Then I tried smiling. It felt weird and uncomfortable at first but I went on to washing and wiping my face.

I kept doing that every time after I cried. I did it so often, it became a habit. After getting over my depression with the help of my friend Leah, I noticed something about myself while I was looking in the mirror.

"Wow. I'm pretty when I smile."

I realized I had a habit of smiling in front of the mirror and why it became a habit. I'm thankful for it.

To all those out there suffering from depression or having a bad day: Smile. Things will get better.

End it.

This is the reason why you shouldn't suppress emotions.

I'm really tired of this. It's a constant cycle. I always do this to myself. Reasons why I should avoid having feelings for people. I'm putting my hopes into something that won't ever happen. That's not healthy. I admitted to the thing I was "confused" about when I was messaging my friend in class. I was surpressing all of it because I didn't want to admit it. I was hoping that ignoring it would eventually make me forget about it. But it kept bothering me lately. So I was thinking, "Fuck it. Stop lying to yourself." and I admittted to it. Indirectly.

I'm a bit annoyed at one of my friends. We talked a bit before about the thing I was confused about and he said that it's too young for me to feel something like that. Well, excuse me. I'm sorry I feel that way. It's not my fault I feel that way to someone...

There was a lot of other things that were clouding up my mind. But there's so many I can't focus on one. I'll eventually remember one of them.

I should eat. I wish I was stressed about my classes more than feelings. But the roof of my apartment building is so nice. It's really cold up here but I'll stay a bit longer.