I just realized how severe my depression is the past few months and it's sad that I've had it for 9 years. It's the reason why I feel nothing some days, why I know I have great potential to do better but somehow drastically fall behind, and why I struggle with making friends and keeping those friendships. The first one doesn't really affect my life but the other two are the things in my life that I'm constantly thinking and worrying about.
I have those days where I'm really out of it. Not "I'm tired" out of it but "I can't feel my emotions" out of it. It mostly comes up on those days when I barely say anything for the majority of my day. It feels like I don't exist, as if my very presence in this world doesn't matter. It's not in a suicidal way but more of a thoughtful, quiet, and strange way. It's really weird.
When I say that I know I have great potential to do better, it's knowing that I can a productive and happy person if my depression wasn't such a bitch. My grades are the reason why this is a problem. I started off my freshman year of college with a 2.5 GPA. I know I could've done better. I know I could've tried harder. But whenever I get another depression episode, I can't focus on anything or think straight and I start forgetting things easily. One time in my math class, I had a hard time focusing on an activity because I was thinking about my depression. Before that class, I was talking to my academic counselor about my depression and it ended with me walking out the room with dry tears on my face. I couldn't understand what the professor was talking about and all I mostly did was stare at my paper. There was another time when my depression affected my grades because I had to email my professor that I wasn't going to class. I was in the shower and all of a sudden, I started thinking about my life and how unhappy I am. Then I started crying in the shower for a while, curled up in a ball with the water pouring on me. I felt so vulnerable in that moment. After that emotional shower, I was so tired from crying so much, I didn't have the motivation to go to class. I emailed my professor about how I wasn't going to class with the reason why. He did send an email back with support which is a good thing. But yeah, could've been more productive and on task with my assignments but nooooo. I'm really depressed dammit.
I really hate this part of my depression. It mixes anxiety AND depression so it's worse that the last two. The first one doesn't really affect me. I just feel it in the moment of things and it's only once in a while. The second one doesn't happen that often but it definitely happens. The third one can last for a while. Days, a week, weeks, a few months. It varies on how I get rid of or solve the issue. My anxiety can pop up with these random thoughts about how people don't like me and how lonely I am. I even tell myself that I'll be lonely because right now, I'm having a hard time keeping a positive mindset about the people I care about. Some days, the thoughts come up whenever I see my friends hanging out with other people that they're closer too and I get really jealous. I get jealous because my friends have time to see each other and hang out with someone while I'm always busy with homework and studying. I rarely see anyone now. Then I start feeling lonely... People don't ask me to hangout with them because they know how busy I am and it's sad... My schedule doesn't fit well with all of my friends so it's difficult to make plans. Plus, it's always me making plans with people. I want someone to ask if they could hangout with me. I know it sounds selfish but it's just nice to know that people still think about me. Sometimes I feel like I'm being forgotten... Whenever something negative happen between me and someone one I care about, I run away and hide. I get scared of the other people because I hurt that person or that person is mad at me. I'm scared that the person will leave me. So to avoid that, I run away and hide and leave first. I know that communication could've solved the problem but I'm scared that the person will stop being there for me because of what I did to hide from that person. I won't stop thinking about it until I finally gather enough courage to talk about it or let the other person say something about it and see where the conversation goes from there.
So, as you can see, my life is filled with constant emotional stress, occasional depression episodes, emotional breakdowns, isolation from others, a lack of motivation to be productive, days and nights spend with tears, dark thoughts, and a small constant reminder telling me to stay strong and look forward to something good in the future. Even if it's just looking forward to eating my next meal, going out to milk tea places, or walking around downtown San Francisco, it's something I can have hope for. Plus a constant need for a good hug. I miss those good quality, warm feeling hugs.
