TW: Suicide and depression
Hello it's me again. Umm... life has been a bit more difficult. Haven't posted in a while because of how much life has progressed. But uh, I think I'll use this blog as a way to write down my feelings in a healthy way.
I'm really depressed right now. I had thoughts of suicide and even looked up the suicide hotline number. A lot has been going on the past few weeks since the transition from 2020 to 2021. Ummm... yeah. I feel like shit. I have been taking my medication regularly and went to therapy for about more than a year. I mean, I'm happy I don't get depressed for no reason. But when I get depressed, I get very depressed.
I went to blogging as a source of venting because I don't want to talk to people about it. I know what it's like to watch over someone that is suicidal at the moment. It's very emotionally and mentally draining and I don't want to cause that trouble to my friends and boyfriend. I didn't call the suicide hotline because of people's bad experiences with calling it. I hear it's as if they don't care. So, I laid in bed. Cried a bit, and thought about what I can do right now to get myself out of this dark space. This led to going back to my blogging days.
A lot of issues have been pilling up in my life. And it getting to the point where all of them are overwhelming me and causing me to be very depressed right now.
I'm taking out loans for the rest of my college education, but it'll be really expensive... My mom has been nagging to me about the loans and it's been bothering me so much. Then that goes onto her asking me when I'm going to graduate. I'll be graduating next school year, but she wants me to do it as fast as possible. I just need to go at my own pace. But my parents don't get it. They don't understand that I need to do it for the sake of my mental health.
One of my best friends decided to drop me out of his life for the sake of his girlfriend that he barely knows. I can't even explain the amount of betrayal, disappointment, sadness, and anger from all this. I basically wasted like years of friendship for this guy to drop me out of his life so easily. Because of this, I have trust issues. I really just don't feel comfortable being vulnerable with another human. Even with my boyfriend and my biggest best friend in the entire world. I'm too scared to make another connection with someone with the fear of ending up alone. I'm scared.
I feel better now after putting my depressive thoughts onto this post. Venting it out helps. But yeah, I feel ok for now. I wonder how long I can hide this part of me to my loved ones...
Things here and there with my relationship with my boyfriend causes me to face my anxiety more often in a different way. My insecurities of the possibility of him cheating on me or the fear of him falling out of love with me are new things to me. I'm struggling but he's very supportive and understanding. Unlike some people...
