Quick post because I still have a lot of reading to catch up on plus a research paper due tomorrow. Yikes.

I just took a shower and I still feel pretty awake. That's good because I could catch up on reading but then bad because I need sleep. I could buy sleeping pills because I know that'll help me a lot in the future but eh. I'll tire myself to sleep. I'll try to be productive like typing out this post.

One of my best friends is leaving soon for a mission in the Philippines. Mmm... I've thought about it here and there. I'll miss him a lot. I find it interesting that we met in high school but to me, we got closer during out first year of college. Shit happened, it was complicated lol. But yeah. I mean, we both learned from each other, had our ups and downs in our friendship, but overcame those obstacles. The one thing I learned from our friendship is how important communication and honesty is. Like damn, it solves a lot of problems. Especially if you're someone with a low self-esteem sometimes and have very bad mood swings before your period (me). Oh yeah and understanding the other person. At least giving an effort to understand.

The plushie he gave me reminds me of him a bit, squishy and brown. Cute too lol. At least I have Potato by me if I ever have those random feelings of nostalgia. Some phone calls, texts, late night memories, and those nice hugs.

I hope he doesn't forget about me.

Curious and adventurous. Just like Alice.

I've been fascinated with Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and realized I'm like Alice. I have a childlike curiosity and a desire to explore the world.

I love to learn. My curiosity can come off as childlike because I ask questions as if I'm a kid in elementary school. It comes off sounding kinda stupid and it makes me look like an airhead at times. But it's pure curiosity. I want to know because whatever I'm asking about either interests or fascinates me. Sometimes my questions come out of nowhere, sometimes they come out after thinking about it for a while, and sometimes they come one after another. I can spend hours talking to someone about a weird topic if the person is willing to talk about it or can keep up a conversation with me. I guess I can say I'm pretty open-minded but I still have my biases. Nevertheless, I'm still willing to learn. Talk to me about your occupation, religion, political stances (I'm biased to being liberal af LOL), something you love, or your life lessons. Teach me about something that I have no clue about. If you're willing to give me a piece of your life, then I'll share a part of mine with you. Isn't that how we make connections and relationships with people? Giving a part of ourselves to others.

I have very protective parents when it comes to me going outside anywhere. Of course they're worried about me getting kidnapped, raped, robbed, or anything that'd have me end up in the hospital or jail. I wasn't allowed to walk around my quiet suburban neighborhood by myself when I was younger because there were a few creepy stalkers around outside the area I lived and sometimes they drove in my neighborhood. Once I was allowed to go somewhere by myself like walk to grocery store to buy juice, I loved every moment I had to myself. I didn't have to watch over someone. I walked at my own pace. It was just me, my thoughts, and the world. Going somewhere by myself gave me the time to think in peace. The more time I spent running errands by myself, I wanted or more like desired to explore more and more of the world. Seeing and experiencing new things help me see life realistically. There's so much people don't know about life... If only they took the time to stop and observe. That's what I do on my adventures. I observe, remember, and learn. 

Coming to San Francisco for college is a big step for me. It has a completely different vibe and lifestyle compared to living in a suburban area for a majority of my life. Someday I'll get the chance to live in a different state and maybe in a different country. 

The world is my Wonderland and I'm Alice, questioning and observing the unknown around me.

Missed Opportunities

I'm kinda nauseous, kinda tired, my tummy hurts and I have a slight headache. But eh. I've been procrastinating this blog for a while LOL I mean, I have a few drafts saved right now haha. But when I feel like posting them, I'll post them. Anyway, I've been pondering about this for a bit. It comes up occasionally but it doesn't bother me which is good, considering all the other things that bother me... heh.

Do you ever have those moments to yourself when you think, "Man, I should've...". Yeah, those kind of regrets. I've had my share of regrets or missed opportunities, some of them with multiple chances. Sometimes you miss those opportunities because you change your mind about something, sometimes because you're too scared to take the chance in the moment, or because you do it on purpose. Like wanting to change majors, deciding if you should kiss that boy or not before you two won't see each other in a while, or not buying that one bottle of perfume that's on sale for 60% off because it's not necessary to buy it right now even though sales like that come up once in a while.

Right now, there's probably a chance in the future to do it but I'll be to scared to take it in the moment. I want to do it but I'm scared of doing something wrong, if anything unexpected shows up, or if it changes everything. What if I'll mess up everything, even after going through so much?

God help me. I have no idea what to do about this. Ughhhhh.

I'm kinda bored but I don't want to work on some of the unfinished posts I've been working on. So I guess occasionally I'll type down whatever I'm thinking about.
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I feel really sexy after pampering myself at night with a nice shower and a face mask. And it's all because of my hair. If I feel good about my hair, then I'll feel good. If I'm having an off day with my hair, then I feel eh. I like the way my wavy hair looks when it falls effortlessly on my back. Ok, this is slightly narcissistic of me but I like to check out my body in from of my mirror when I'm changing my clothes and see which angles compliment my body type. I never really noticed I had a nice body till high school when I started wearing more skin-revealing clothes. But body positivity right? Nothing wrong with some self-love. There are some days I'm kinda neutral about it but that's when I bloat the week before my period starts. Anyway, I'd stare at how the curves of my body make me look nicely slim. LOL. A contradiction there. But that's how I can accurately describe it. Or I guess a small waist with some curve to give my body some shape. Oh and my legs. Damn I have nice legs. They're not up to par with a Victoria's Secret model but they're nice... Ahh... I love my body.
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I've been in the mood lately but I can never talk about it with anyone. I know I could just say it but I won't get the answer I want anyway. I think about it whenever I'm feeling tired or dozing off. It keeps me sitting there or lying there for almost half an hour, distracted by whatever feels good at the moment. It probably means that I need a break from whatever I was doing, but it's whatever. It happens. I keep it to myself.
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It's been bothering me for a while. It's that feeling when you know you're not close to that person anymore. Sometimes you don't notice it and sometimes you do. In this case, I do. It feels like we'll go back to awkward conversations and empty silences because it's slowly feeling foreign to me. I don't know if I can hold on any longer. It's out of my control. It is what it is.

Distance.

I want to try. I want to hold on to some thread of optimism and hope that it's still there. I want to see something there, as if it still exists.

It's fading slowly.

Sometimes I get tired of it. Sometimes I get tired of how long I have to hold on. Sometimes I get tired of how much strength I use to hold on to something I want to keep and cherish. I don't know if it's worth it.

But then there is hope.

Then I'm tired.

Hope.

Tired.

Hope.

Tired.

I want to talk to you but I can't bring myself to ask. Life happens and you forget.

Once in a while...

Oh dear... The uneasy feeling is back and wow such bad timing. I have a midterm tomorrow and it's bothering me right now dammit.

I was listening to this song earlier and that's why I feel kinda uneasy right now:
Davichi - 괜찮아 사랑이야 It's Okay, That's Love (OST)

I have it on my playlist so you can take a listen if you want. The meaning of that song reminds me of a lot of sad memories and listening to it makes me feel sad... I thought that yah know, it wouldn't bother me anymore... I don't have anymore feelings, but once in a while it pops up in my head and it bothers me. But it takes time for the deepest scars to heal.

Here's the translation of the song if you're too lazy to look it up.

Do you see my heart?  Why is it love?
I was never gonna fall in love again, I’m such a fool
Why am I happy? I think of your face
Only stay by my side, forever you
You came to me with the wind like the swaying flowers
You knocked on my heart, I love you
My heart hurts when I see you, It’s alright, it’s love
My flawed heart and my love Will you accept it? Me?

Why are you only smiling?
Look into my eyes
Keep this trembling feeling, hug me

You came to me with the wind like the swaying flowers
You opened my eyes, I love you
My heart hurts when I see you, It’s alright, it’s love
My flawed heart and my love Will you accept it? Me?
Love me, I love you Oh love

Pure Happiness

There are a few times in my life where I've felt pure happiness. Not happiness felt with others but when you're alone.

It's that feeling when you step outside, the sky is blue, and the sun is shining down on you. Your body feels the sunlight caressing your skin and it warms you up as you walk aimlessly or wherever you need to go. A smile slowly forms on your face while you lift your head and inhale the cool air. You walk with music playing in your ears and a skip in your stride. 

Everything feels perfect. 

Even this iced matcha green tea latte won't help...

I'm tired and frustrated at the world right now but that's because I slept at 4 or 5AM last night and woke up at 9:30 for mass. I was gonna sleep in the afternoon, but that'd wreck my sleeping schedule so I pushed myself to work on homework.

I'll post something after I finish reading my homework assignment, take a nice, warm, steamy shower, and put on a face mask. It's about something I've been wanting to blog about for a while but I was too busy or didn't feel like it at the time. And it's about I don't really mention about here:
Religion.