I'm a Holden

My eczema flared up. Well, it's an excuse to blog since I can't write and plan on my notebook for a paper I have to write.

I'm trying to have a more positive outlook so that it'll help lessen my depression. Mmm... I'll talk about my favorite book: The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger.

I've read plenty of books over and over but that's because I had to for summer reading. The Catcher in the Rye is the only book (so far) I can read multiple times because of how much I love it. I can relate to it so much and all the hidden internal meanings to Holden's thoughts. I can see myself in Holden in various parts of the book. I forgot about what goes on in the novel because it's been a few years since I've read it. But I will never forget the feeling I had after reading the ending. You can look up the summary of the book on the internet OR you can take the time to read and see what kind of meaning the story gives you.

Now, the protagonist of the novel, Holden, he's a pretty blunt and obnoxious guy. Some of the stuff he thinks about is pretty true. But most of that comes from his thoughts. People still talk to him and you don't really hear many people hating on him (Well from what I vaguely remember). See, I have thoughts that are similar to his and I bet everyone out there has those similar thoughts at some point in their lives. We're human. It's not like we're all perfect angels that never sinned before. Anyway, it's just me trying to say that Holden is someone we can all relate to.

I like how realistic he is with his thoughts without sugar coating it. One thing about me is that I really don't like people that are really optimistic. It's really annoying. And by "really optimistic", I mean people that are so naive and oblivious to how life really works. I'm not saying that optimism is annoying or that it should be ignored because I really do think that people (especially me) should have some optimism in life. It's just that if you think too positively on things, you can't really understand how some things in life go on because you can only see it through one perspective. Life can't always be happy. You need to know pessimism in order to know optimism and vise versa. Whenever something bad happens, I try to remember that I can't cherish the good moments if I'm always living in good times. I don't want to get used to feeling happy because I would eventually see it as something that's not special. If I didn't go through the difficulties of something, I wouldn't know how to cherish and appreciate it. I'd always be taking advantage of it and it wouldn't be meaningful to me.

There's plenty of quotes in this book I can probably have separate posts for but I'll just talk about a few that stand out to me:

"I like it when somebody gets excited about something. It's nice."
Have you ever been that person that gets excited about something you like and you can't stop feeling happy and passionate about it? It's a really nice feeling. Just talking about it makes you feel really happy on the inside and you start smiling a lot while talking about it. Or have you ever been the other person that listens to the one getting excited about something? Seeing that person's face all happy makes you feel happy. Knowing that the person is sharing this innocent feeling with you is a really genuine and personal moment. It's those times when you can feel your connection with the other person getting closer.

"That's the whole trouble. When you're feeling very depressed, you can't even think."

I can relate to this. God knows how much I can relate to this. When I fall into a depression episode, my mind goes blank. It doesn't mean that I can't think about anything. I just can't think rationally. If I can't think rationally, I only see the negative side of every situation I'm in at the moment and I start isolating myself from people. During those times of depression, everything feels as if the world is falling in my hands and I have no control of it. Then I panic and anxiety rushes over me.

Ok, I thought that this post would positive because The Catcher in the Rye is my favorite book but it turned into thought-provoking post. Oh well, it is what it is. I actually like how this turned out anyway.

Connections with love

Yeeey I finally have some time to write~ I kinda miss writing and I'm happy I have some time to do it this week. Mmmm... I don't really know what to write about but it'll be something random from scrolling though tumblr. I'll write about something that stimulates some kind of thought.

Oooo I have a good one. Let's digress about love and maintaining a healthy connection with someone. Ok, talking about love makes me feel like a shitty person most of the time but right now, I'm having some good feels about it. So let's vent it all out and recollect my thoughts while I'm still optimistic about it. 

The one thing I want to focus on within the wide spectrum of topics about love are the different ways someone shows love. Being in a stereotypical Asian American family, it's difficult to explicitly show love to your parents and siblings. Because of that, it can give off the impression that no one really cares about anyone. But you don't have to show love explicitly. Sometimes it's shown through simple actions. Let's use cooking as an example: When your mom or dad cooks dinner. When your parents cook dinner for you, they invested time and effort to keep you healthy and well-fed. Cooking for you means that they did it for you, they prioritized you. Like when you put effort and time into someone or something, it means that it's worth the time and effort sacrificed because it's really important to you. Knowing that your parents cook for you everyday or at least do their best to keep you well-fed means that you're a priority to them every single day. You're worth the time and effort they give to keep you safe and happy.

Another thing random thing I want to bring up is about close relationships whether they're relationships with a significant other or with friends. After observing and thinking about my closest friendships and connections with people, I realized that you need to have some kind of conflict or problem and overcome it in order to have a stronger connection/relationship. No one is perfect which means that there's no such thing as a perfect relationship/friendship. Mistakes will be made and people will get hurt because we're human. It happens. But just because those mistakes hurt and we hurt the ones affected by those mistakes doesn't mean that we aren't able to fix those mistakes or should be fine with letting stuff like that go. If you really do care about the other person, you would communicate to the other person about it and talk things through. Then do something about it. Both people have to put in effort or else it'll be a one-sided problem. If it's one-sided, then you have to re-consider having that person in your life. For me, the most meaningful relationships/friendships are with people that I've had some difficult problems with. Overcoming those help strengthen the connection you have with that person. Plus, it makes life a bit more meaningful.

Bloop bloop

I kinda need a break from being hella productive lately. Therapy, homework, trying to see friends, depression and anxiety... I've been pretty busy lately. I'll type up this random post really quick and I'll go back to studying.

Oh yeah, I uh deleted some stuff on this blog. They're gone because I feel ashamed and embarrassed to have those thoughts and feelings... I really don't know why I feel that way. I shouldn't be but it's probably because of my anxiety... Whatever. What's gone is gone. If I ever do post something like that again, I'll delete it in a few weeks... But just because those posts are gone doesn't mean the emotions I poured out into them are gone... They're still there and being acknowledged. Still comfortable and loving...

I dunno... I feel like I can't really trust anyone. I still have my doubts about people. Eventually the people you consider your best friends won't be your friends anymore, people will be replaced and forgotten, and you'll be out in the world by yourself. I don't want to rely a part of my happiness on my friends or some significant other because I've had my share of being let down by people I thought were my friends. Yeah it's nice to have some company once in a while, but you can't depend on your friends and family to be there for you all the time. There will be times when they can't and you have to learn how to deal with things by yourself.

I think that's why I like doing stuff by myself. I'm still learning how to deal with all these new adult responsibilities and feelings.