Looking for hope

TW: Suicide and depression

Hello it's me again. Umm... life has been a bit more difficult. Haven't posted in a while because of how much life has progressed. But uh, I think I'll use this blog as a way to write down my feelings in a healthy way. 

I'm really depressed right now. I had thoughts of suicide and even looked up the suicide hotline number. A lot has been going on the past few weeks since the transition from 2020 to 2021. Ummm... yeah. I feel like shit. I have been taking my medication regularly and went to therapy for about more than a year. I mean, I'm happy I don't get depressed for no reason. But when I get depressed, I get very depressed. 

I went to blogging as a source of venting because I don't want to talk to people about it. I know what it's like to watch over someone that is suicidal at the moment. It's very emotionally and mentally draining and I don't want to cause that trouble to my friends and boyfriend. I didn't call the suicide hotline because of people's bad experiences with calling it. I hear it's as if they don't care. So, I laid in bed. Cried a bit, and thought about what I can do right now to get myself out of this dark space. This led to going back to my blogging days. 

A lot of issues have been pilling up in my life. And it getting to the point where all of them are overwhelming me and causing me to be very depressed right now. 

I'm taking out loans for the rest of my college education, but it'll be really expensive... My mom has been nagging to me about the loans and it's been bothering me so much. Then that goes onto her asking me when I'm going to graduate. I'll be graduating next school year, but she wants me to do it as fast as possible. I just need to go at my own pace. But my parents don't get it. They don't understand that I need to do it for the sake of my mental health. 

One of my best friends decided to drop me out of his life for the sake of his girlfriend that he barely knows. I can't even explain the amount of betrayal, disappointment, sadness, and anger from all this. I basically wasted like years of friendship for this guy to drop me out of his life so easily. Because of this, I have trust issues. I really just don't feel comfortable being vulnerable with another human. Even with my boyfriend and my biggest best friend in the entire world. I'm too scared to make another connection with someone with the fear of ending up alone. I'm scared. 

I feel better now after putting my depressive thoughts onto this post. Venting it out helps. But yeah, I feel ok for now. I wonder how long I can hide this part of me to my loved ones...

Things here and there with my relationship with my boyfriend causes me to face my anxiety more often in a different way. My insecurities of the possibility of him cheating on me or the fear of him falling out of love with me are new things to me. I'm struggling but he's very supportive and understanding. Unlike some people...

Bad Habits

I just realized how severe my depression is the past few months and it's sad that I've had it for 9 years. It's the reason why I feel nothing some days, why I know I have great potential to do better but somehow drastically fall behind, and why I struggle with making friends and keeping those friendships. The first one doesn't really affect my life but the other two are the things in my life that I'm constantly thinking and worrying about.

I have those days where I'm really out of it. Not "I'm tired" out of it but "I can't feel my emotions" out of it. It mostly comes up on those days when I barely say anything for the majority of my day. It feels like I don't exist, as if my very presence in this world doesn't matter. It's not in a suicidal way but more of a thoughtful, quiet, and strange way. It's really weird.

When I say that I know I have great potential to do better, it's knowing that I can a productive and happy person if my depression wasn't such a bitch. My grades are the reason why this is a problem. I started off my freshman year of college with a 2.5 GPA. I know I could've done better. I know I could've tried harder. But whenever I get another depression episode, I can't focus on anything or think straight and I start forgetting things easily. One time in my math class, I had a hard time focusing on an activity because I was thinking about my depression. Before that class, I was talking to my academic counselor about my depression and it ended with me walking out the room with dry tears on my face. I couldn't understand what the professor was talking about and all I mostly did was stare at my paper. There was another time when my depression affected my grades because I had to email my professor that I wasn't going to class. I was in the shower and all of a sudden, I started thinking about my life and how unhappy I am. Then I started crying in the shower for a while, curled up in a ball with the water pouring on me. I felt so vulnerable in that moment. After that emotional shower, I was so tired from crying so much, I didn't have the motivation to go to class. I emailed my professor about how I wasn't going to class with the reason why. He did send an email back with support which is a good thing. But yeah, could've been more productive and on task with my assignments but nooooo. I'm really depressed dammit.

I really hate this part of my depression. It mixes anxiety AND depression so it's worse that the last two. The first one doesn't really affect me. I just feel it in the moment of things and it's only once in a while. The second one doesn't happen that often but it definitely happens. The third one can last for a while. Days, a week, weeks, a few months. It varies on how I get rid of or solve the issue. My anxiety can pop up with these random thoughts about how people don't like me and how lonely I am. I even tell myself that I'll be lonely because right now, I'm having a hard time keeping a positive mindset about the people I care about. Some days, the thoughts come up whenever I see my friends hanging out with other people that they're closer too and I get really jealous. I get jealous because my friends have time to see each other and hang out with someone while I'm always busy with homework and studying. I rarely see anyone now. Then I start feeling lonely... People don't ask me to hangout with them because they know how busy I am and it's sad... My schedule doesn't fit well with all of my friends so it's difficult to make plans. Plus, it's always me making plans with people. I want someone to ask if they could hangout with me. I know it sounds selfish but it's just nice to know that people still think about me. Sometimes I feel like I'm being forgotten... Whenever something negative happen between me and someone one I care about, I run away and hide. I get scared of the other people because I hurt that person or that person is mad at me. I'm scared that the person will leave me. So to avoid that, I run away and hide and leave first. I know that communication could've solved the problem but I'm scared that the person will stop being there for me because of what I did to hide from that person. I won't stop thinking about it until I finally gather enough courage to talk about it or let the other person say something about it and see where the conversation goes from there.

So, as you can see, my life is filled with constant emotional stress, occasional depression episodes, emotional breakdowns, isolation from others, a lack of motivation to be productive, days and nights spend with tears, dark thoughts, and a small constant reminder telling me to stay strong and look forward to something good in the future. Even if it's just looking forward to eating my next meal, going out to milk tea places, or walking around downtown San Francisco, it's something I can have hope for. Plus a constant need for a good hug. I miss those good quality, warm feeling hugs.

I'm a Holden

My eczema flared up. Well, it's an excuse to blog since I can't write and plan on my notebook for a paper I have to write.

I'm trying to have a more positive outlook so that it'll help lessen my depression. Mmm... I'll talk about my favorite book: The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger.

I've read plenty of books over and over but that's because I had to for summer reading. The Catcher in the Rye is the only book (so far) I can read multiple times because of how much I love it. I can relate to it so much and all the hidden internal meanings to Holden's thoughts. I can see myself in Holden in various parts of the book. I forgot about what goes on in the novel because it's been a few years since I've read it. But I will never forget the feeling I had after reading the ending. You can look up the summary of the book on the internet OR you can take the time to read and see what kind of meaning the story gives you.

Now, the protagonist of the novel, Holden, he's a pretty blunt and obnoxious guy. Some of the stuff he thinks about is pretty true. But most of that comes from his thoughts. People still talk to him and you don't really hear many people hating on him (Well from what I vaguely remember). See, I have thoughts that are similar to his and I bet everyone out there has those similar thoughts at some point in their lives. We're human. It's not like we're all perfect angels that never sinned before. Anyway, it's just me trying to say that Holden is someone we can all relate to.

I like how realistic he is with his thoughts without sugar coating it. One thing about me is that I really don't like people that are really optimistic. It's really annoying. And by "really optimistic", I mean people that are so naive and oblivious to how life really works. I'm not saying that optimism is annoying or that it should be ignored because I really do think that people (especially me) should have some optimism in life. It's just that if you think too positively on things, you can't really understand how some things in life go on because you can only see it through one perspective. Life can't always be happy. You need to know pessimism in order to know optimism and vise versa. Whenever something bad happens, I try to remember that I can't cherish the good moments if I'm always living in good times. I don't want to get used to feeling happy because I would eventually see it as something that's not special. If I didn't go through the difficulties of something, I wouldn't know how to cherish and appreciate it. I'd always be taking advantage of it and it wouldn't be meaningful to me.

There's plenty of quotes in this book I can probably have separate posts for but I'll just talk about a few that stand out to me:

"I like it when somebody gets excited about something. It's nice."
Have you ever been that person that gets excited about something you like and you can't stop feeling happy and passionate about it? It's a really nice feeling. Just talking about it makes you feel really happy on the inside and you start smiling a lot while talking about it. Or have you ever been the other person that listens to the one getting excited about something? Seeing that person's face all happy makes you feel happy. Knowing that the person is sharing this innocent feeling with you is a really genuine and personal moment. It's those times when you can feel your connection with the other person getting closer.

"That's the whole trouble. When you're feeling very depressed, you can't even think."

I can relate to this. God knows how much I can relate to this. When I fall into a depression episode, my mind goes blank. It doesn't mean that I can't think about anything. I just can't think rationally. If I can't think rationally, I only see the negative side of every situation I'm in at the moment and I start isolating myself from people. During those times of depression, everything feels as if the world is falling in my hands and I have no control of it. Then I panic and anxiety rushes over me.

Ok, I thought that this post would positive because The Catcher in the Rye is my favorite book but it turned into thought-provoking post. Oh well, it is what it is. I actually like how this turned out anyway.

Connections with love

Yeeey I finally have some time to write~ I kinda miss writing and I'm happy I have some time to do it this week. Mmmm... I don't really know what to write about but it'll be something random from scrolling though tumblr. I'll write about something that stimulates some kind of thought.

Oooo I have a good one. Let's digress about love and maintaining a healthy connection with someone. Ok, talking about love makes me feel like a shitty person most of the time but right now, I'm having some good feels about it. So let's vent it all out and recollect my thoughts while I'm still optimistic about it. 

The one thing I want to focus on within the wide spectrum of topics about love are the different ways someone shows love. Being in a stereotypical Asian American family, it's difficult to explicitly show love to your parents and siblings. Because of that, it can give off the impression that no one really cares about anyone. But you don't have to show love explicitly. Sometimes it's shown through simple actions. Let's use cooking as an example: When your mom or dad cooks dinner. When your parents cook dinner for you, they invested time and effort to keep you healthy and well-fed. Cooking for you means that they did it for you, they prioritized you. Like when you put effort and time into someone or something, it means that it's worth the time and effort sacrificed because it's really important to you. Knowing that your parents cook for you everyday or at least do their best to keep you well-fed means that you're a priority to them every single day. You're worth the time and effort they give to keep you safe and happy.

Another thing random thing I want to bring up is about close relationships whether they're relationships with a significant other or with friends. After observing and thinking about my closest friendships and connections with people, I realized that you need to have some kind of conflict or problem and overcome it in order to have a stronger connection/relationship. No one is perfect which means that there's no such thing as a perfect relationship/friendship. Mistakes will be made and people will get hurt because we're human. It happens. But just because those mistakes hurt and we hurt the ones affected by those mistakes doesn't mean that we aren't able to fix those mistakes or should be fine with letting stuff like that go. If you really do care about the other person, you would communicate to the other person about it and talk things through. Then do something about it. Both people have to put in effort or else it'll be a one-sided problem. If it's one-sided, then you have to re-consider having that person in your life. For me, the most meaningful relationships/friendships are with people that I've had some difficult problems with. Overcoming those help strengthen the connection you have with that person. Plus, it makes life a bit more meaningful.

Bloop bloop

I kinda need a break from being hella productive lately. Therapy, homework, trying to see friends, depression and anxiety... I've been pretty busy lately. I'll type up this random post really quick and I'll go back to studying.

Oh yeah, I uh deleted some stuff on this blog. They're gone because I feel ashamed and embarrassed to have those thoughts and feelings... I really don't know why I feel that way. I shouldn't be but it's probably because of my anxiety... Whatever. What's gone is gone. If I ever do post something like that again, I'll delete it in a few weeks... But just because those posts are gone doesn't mean the emotions I poured out into them are gone... They're still there and being acknowledged. Still comfortable and loving...

I dunno... I feel like I can't really trust anyone. I still have my doubts about people. Eventually the people you consider your best friends won't be your friends anymore, people will be replaced and forgotten, and you'll be out in the world by yourself. I don't want to rely a part of my happiness on my friends or some significant other because I've had my share of being let down by people I thought were my friends. Yeah it's nice to have some company once in a while, but you can't depend on your friends and family to be there for you all the time. There will be times when they can't and you have to learn how to deal with things by yourself.

I think that's why I like doing stuff by myself. I'm still learning how to deal with all these new adult responsibilities and feelings.

The purpose of this blog

At this point, it seems like this blog is my diary. It helps me with venting out my feelings away and it does help me look back at my thoughts and think about who I am as a person. I see the good and bad in me and it helps me become a better person. Slowly. Personal development takes time. There's enough time for me to learn more about myself.

I did it! First day of counseling!

I got counseling for the first time today! It wasn't much since it's only the first day but I'm really happy I got enough courage to go through the process.

I was pretty nervous while I was filling out the paperwork because once I signed the papers, there was no turning back on this. When I was called up and followed the counselor, I felt even more nervous and emotional. Once I started talking about the gist of my depression, I felt like crying just a few minutes into the conversation. The counselor started asking simple questions about my depression and I couldn't help but start tearing up. It was pretty difficult at first because I was trying to keep my composure so I could talk more instead of crying most of the time. Then things calmed down after she talked to me about everything.

She told me not to give up on my dream and that there are other way for me to achieve it. What she found saddening was that I was giving up at a young age. I'm 19 right now and there are plenty of med school students that finished in their late 20s and early 40s. That gives me a little bit of hope.

We ended things off on a positive note. She told me to think about a way to cope with my depression and to find something that gives my life meaning or something I look forward to in life. I perform and dance with my friends in the dance team as a way to cope with it. I really don't know what gives my life meaning. I never really thought about it until today. I guess missing out on significant life moments pushes me to carry on so I can experience them. For example, I never knew I would get my first kiss, go on a date, or cuddle with someone back then. Here I am now saying that I have experienced those moments and they're even more important since I experienced them with someone special. He means a lot to me and I'm happy he was the one I had my "firsts" with.

Then I was told that I'd be moving to a different counseling place because the one I went to today is only for short-term counseling. I've had depression for nine years so I need to move where long-term counseling is provided. At the counseling place I'll be going to tomorrow, I'll have weekly appointments and the counselor I had today will be getting updates about my progress and have a follow up appointment to see how I'm doing with therapy.

I'm proud of myself for taking this first step into therapy. I'm looking forward to the weekly appointments and getting better someday :)