Freedom

It's late. I have to wake up at 6:30AM to get ready and catch the Muni around 7:30-7:45. I have a discussion to prepare for a class I have at 9.

But I had another mental breakdown. And I finally admitted to myself that I'm depressed again.

There's two reasons why but it all comes down to one main problem: Restriction.

I'm like a bird in a cage. Each metal rod restrains me from flying out to freedom, where I can explore the world and become my own person. I could think for myself, have control of my actions, and achieve success on my own terms. I want to be in control of my body and thoughts. I want to be responsible for my life. I want freedom. But it's difficult to do all of it when there's something holding you back, especially when there's more than one.

I took way too many classes my freshman year of college and it was a lot for me. Now I have a shitty GPA. I know I could've done better. I'm ashamed for not going through with what was best for me.

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Feeling inadequate. This is where my low self-esteem comes in. Ok, I have a somewhat high self-esteem when it come to my physical features like my body. I love my body. But when it comes to my own mentality of how I see myself as a person, it's get depressing. I compare myself to a lot of people. Sometimes it's because one person is doing something better than me or because I feel unworthy of someone whether it be being a daughter or a friend. The first one is something I kinda let go. The second one is more of the issue. It bothers me because how some people deserve to be around people better than me. I question why people that are so amazing at doing so much in life talk to or hang around someone like me. I don't go to a private university or a UC. I'm lagging behind some of my former classmates with significant life achievements such as getting a license or a job or an internship. I'm kinda book smart? Kinda... I've never been in a relationship. Every single guy I liked rejected me. I'm just eh. I haven't done much compared to my other friends.

My parents have been the ones making or influencing almost all of my academic decisions. It's the whole thing with them saying that they know what's best for me. But honestly, it's not. I'm not close to my parents so they don't really know what works best for me. Whenever I talk to my parents, it mostly ends up in criticism and it gets on my nerves every time. They can't trust me with what I think works best for me so how can I trust them with their decisions for me? Don't get me wrong. I love my parents. But they hold me back, especially since family is so important to me. When I get mad at my dad for making me feel horrible about how I'm lagging behind my friends and former classmates, I let it go because he's still my father. When I get mad at my mom for not trusting me whenever I hang out with my friends, I let it go eventually because she's my mother. I know they've sacrificed a lot for my siblings and I to get this far in life. So why do I still listen to them despite it affecting a lot of my life decisions? Because I feel in-debt to them. A lot happened in my family. There were some times when it felt like it was falling apart because someone was being selfish, arrogant, and inconsiderate (I hate that person with a burning passion. I hate that person so much, I want that person to burn in Hell for what that person did to my family). But they fixed things because of the kids. They knew that we needed support from both parents. Knowing everything that happened in my family's drama, listening to my parents yelling, breaking things, and smashing holes into the wall, and comforting my siblings during the aftermath of intense arguing from my parents, I know that letting go of my parents will be the most difficult for me to become free.

It's late. It's almost 2:30. I need to sleep so I can wake up at 6:30 to work on my discussion.

Daydreamer

I think about a lot of things. Very rarely, I'll daydream about something pleasant. So I'll talk about how I daydream and what I think about when I do.

I love being in places that are quiet and full of sunlight. Listening to music in a sunny and quiet area helps set the calm mood. The library is the best place for me to daydream because it's quiet and full of windows that bring in natural light into the room. It doesn't matter what kind of music I listen to. The music determines what kind of daydream I want.

So what do I daydream about? Well, there's a lot to cover but I'll give some examples.

When I like someone:
There's a warm and cozy feeling to it, filled with smiles and hugs. Something that always comes up when I daydream about that person is when I hug him. Ahhhhh... hugs. I personally think that hugs are better than kisses. Back hugs are my favorite. I think they're really cute. Besides, they can lead to something sweet or something more. Hehe...

When I feel nostalgic:
I'm happy, confident, and a free person. They're mostly daydreams about dancing with KDT again. I'm feeling cute, sexy, or badass af. Man, I miss those days. Everyone is laughing, we're all supporting each other, and roasting everyone at the same time. It's important to have people like that in your life. They help make life worth living.

When I feel sad:
My chest feels heavy and I feel lonely. I'm expecting someone to embrace me and tell me that everything will be ok while I cry in that person's arms. But it never happens. I can't do anything in that moment. My mind is clouded with whatever I'm thinking about. Sometimes I let out a long sigh or feel the burning tension in my eyes.

Lonely Nights

Whenever I feel sad or an overwhelming moment of depression, I like to sit or lay still and feel it. It helps a lot because I don't have anyone to talk to about my thoughts. They're too dark and depressing. No one would be able to understand why I think this way or why I have these thoughts.

I forced myself to cry in the shower today. I knew that something was bothering me. But I kept pushing it in the back of my mind. I knew I wanted to cry it all out before but I couldn't at the moment. So then I cried today.

The warm water felt like a warm embrace, something that I miss and need. Something to tell me that I'll get over it. Something to tell me that everything will be ok. Something to tell me that I'll be ok.

Maybe that's why I sleep with two heavy blankets, three pillows, and a plushie.

Highlight - It's Still Beautiful

Sometimes a mental break is a must.

I know I could've done way better my freshman year of college. I did so much more my junior and senior years of high school. I was in an active dance team, kept up with 20 hours of community service per semester, maintained my GPA to a 3.5, and dealt with unnecessary drama and emotions. This also includes the stuff that happens in a dance teams such as weekday and weekend practices, practices I do on my own time, meetings for the dance team, socials/bonding events, and a number of performances that take up a majority of my day and energy. My schedule basically revolved around my dance team lol. Compared to my freshman year of college, all I did was occasionally go to dance practice, attend meetings for the kpop club that were at least once per month, occasionally met up with my friends, go to class, had emotional problems, and dealt with a problematic roommate. I wasn't really busy. So what happened?

I was mentally exhausted. 

The reason why I could keep up with all that in high school was because of my dance team. The happiness I felt while sacrificing my personal time and energy was worth it. I call it a physical-to-emotional investment. I allocated a portion of my physical effort and time in order to be a part of the team. In return, this huge chunk of satisfaction and happiness I received helped me maintain my hectic schedule tremendously. Investments kinda work like this right? I dunno. I'm not a business major LOL

I was missing that one key component which mentally helped me keep up with everything. To be honest, I was pretty depressed for the most part of my freshman year. When I had my mental breakdowns or when life was feeling pretty shitty at the moment, I didn't have anyone to talk to most of the time. It was either because I was mad at this person, this person was too busy to talk, this person wouldn't understand and would judge me for feeling this way, or because I wasn't close enough to this person. I cried on the rooftop of my apartment a few times, in the shower where no one could hear or see me crying, and most of the time on my desk. Sometimes I cried myself to sleep because something was bothering me so much, I couldn't sleep. And when I cried enough, I fell asleep. I did a lot of crying this year now that I think about it. 

I felt lonely most of the time. When one of my close friends messaged me, I'd get so excited because it meant that I could interact with someone. I think there were some days where I didn't open my mouth to speak because I didn't have anyone to talk to. I mean, technically I could talk to anyone but they were problems that were too personal.

I had a few migraines which meant that I was pretty stressed out. Like damn I had some bad migraines. Some of them to the extent of me skipping class because I felt like passing out and throwing up at the same with a pulsing pain on the left side of my head.

There were some moments when I needed a hug. Right now would be one of them. 

Uneasiness

I knew that something was bothering me when I stepped into the shower today and stood there longer than I should. I had this uneasy feeling about something today. I took a shower after I ate breakfast hoping that it would calm myself down.

I undressed and stepped into the steamy shower. Droplets of hot water touched my body and I felt relieved for a bit. But that uneasy feeling was slowly creeping back. It made me feel weak, vulnerable, and pity for myself. It reminded me of all the unreasonable negativity that I wanted to forget about. I knew that there was a logical explanation to them. I knew that there was a chance to do better. I knew I had to get over it. But they clouded my mind.

My hands ran through the wet strands of hair a few times. I faced the shower head, intertwined my fingers together, and placed them behind my neck. The hot water running down my face didn't help. So I went on and washed my hair and body. 

I knew this uneasy feeling would pass eventually. I went though my day with it lurking in the back of my mind, waiting for it to go away. But it was more like waiting for something to happen to make it go away. 

Late Bloomer

I'm late to a lot of things. Church, dance practice, lectures, assignment submissions, and meet ups with my friends. But guess what? I'm also late to my own character development.

I call myself a late bloomer because a lot of my life changing decisions and events are pretty last minute haha. I had a slight glow-up after high school (It was the glasses lol), decided to change my major from Nursing to Medicine this year, and I'm currently trying to work on controlling my mood swings because they're the worse.

I identify myself as an independent person because I like to be in control of my own actions and decisions. But yah know I'm not fully independent because I still rely on my parents for food and money lol. I'm fresh out of high school. It's understandable I guess hehe... Because I suddenly have all this independence living away from my parents, I realized that it'll take me a while to adjust and grow up. I'm surprised that I survived this far in a city AND in college honestly. I've had my number of bad times but everyone gets those.

So from now on, I'm gonna keep myself on task and I'll become harder on myself again.

I fucked up my freshman year of college but I can't do anything about it. It's over and all that I can do is improve.