Sometimes a mental break is a must.

I know I could've done way better my freshman year of college. I did so much more my junior and senior years of high school. I was in an active dance team, kept up with 20 hours of community service per semester, maintained my GPA to a 3.5, and dealt with unnecessary drama and emotions. This also includes the stuff that happens in a dance teams such as weekday and weekend practices, practices I do on my own time, meetings for the dance team, socials/bonding events, and a number of performances that take up a majority of my day and energy. My schedule basically revolved around my dance team lol. Compared to my freshman year of college, all I did was occasionally go to dance practice, attend meetings for the kpop club that were at least once per month, occasionally met up with my friends, go to class, had emotional problems, and dealt with a problematic roommate. I wasn't really busy. So what happened?

I was mentally exhausted. 

The reason why I could keep up with all that in high school was because of my dance team. The happiness I felt while sacrificing my personal time and energy was worth it. I call it a physical-to-emotional investment. I allocated a portion of my physical effort and time in order to be a part of the team. In return, this huge chunk of satisfaction and happiness I received helped me maintain my hectic schedule tremendously. Investments kinda work like this right? I dunno. I'm not a business major LOL

I was missing that one key component which mentally helped me keep up with everything. To be honest, I was pretty depressed for the most part of my freshman year. When I had my mental breakdowns or when life was feeling pretty shitty at the moment, I didn't have anyone to talk to most of the time. It was either because I was mad at this person, this person was too busy to talk, this person wouldn't understand and would judge me for feeling this way, or because I wasn't close enough to this person. I cried on the rooftop of my apartment a few times, in the shower where no one could hear or see me crying, and most of the time on my desk. Sometimes I cried myself to sleep because something was bothering me so much, I couldn't sleep. And when I cried enough, I fell asleep. I did a lot of crying this year now that I think about it. 

I felt lonely most of the time. When one of my close friends messaged me, I'd get so excited because it meant that I could interact with someone. I think there were some days where I didn't open my mouth to speak because I didn't have anyone to talk to. I mean, technically I could talk to anyone but they were problems that were too personal.

I had a few migraines which meant that I was pretty stressed out. Like damn I had some bad migraines. Some of them to the extent of me skipping class because I felt like passing out and throwing up at the same with a pulsing pain on the left side of my head.

There were some moments when I needed a hug. Right now would be one of them.