Freedom

It's late. I have to wake up at 6:30AM to get ready and catch the Muni around 7:30-7:45. I have a discussion to prepare for a class I have at 9.

But I had another mental breakdown. And I finally admitted to myself that I'm depressed again.

There's two reasons why but it all comes down to one main problem: Restriction.

I'm like a bird in a cage. Each metal rod restrains me from flying out to freedom, where I can explore the world and become my own person. I could think for myself, have control of my actions, and achieve success on my own terms. I want to be in control of my body and thoughts. I want to be responsible for my life. I want freedom. But it's difficult to do all of it when there's something holding you back, especially when there's more than one.

I took way too many classes my freshman year of college and it was a lot for me. Now I have a shitty GPA. I know I could've done better. I'm ashamed for not going through with what was best for me.

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Feeling inadequate. This is where my low self-esteem comes in. Ok, I have a somewhat high self-esteem when it come to my physical features like my body. I love my body. But when it comes to my own mentality of how I see myself as a person, it's get depressing. I compare myself to a lot of people. Sometimes it's because one person is doing something better than me or because I feel unworthy of someone whether it be being a daughter or a friend. The first one is something I kinda let go. The second one is more of the issue. It bothers me because how some people deserve to be around people better than me. I question why people that are so amazing at doing so much in life talk to or hang around someone like me. I don't go to a private university or a UC. I'm lagging behind some of my former classmates with significant life achievements such as getting a license or a job or an internship. I'm kinda book smart? Kinda... I've never been in a relationship. Every single guy I liked rejected me. I'm just eh. I haven't done much compared to my other friends.

My parents have been the ones making or influencing almost all of my academic decisions. It's the whole thing with them saying that they know what's best for me. But honestly, it's not. I'm not close to my parents so they don't really know what works best for me. Whenever I talk to my parents, it mostly ends up in criticism and it gets on my nerves every time. They can't trust me with what I think works best for me so how can I trust them with their decisions for me? Don't get me wrong. I love my parents. But they hold me back, especially since family is so important to me. When I get mad at my dad for making me feel horrible about how I'm lagging behind my friends and former classmates, I let it go because he's still my father. When I get mad at my mom for not trusting me whenever I hang out with my friends, I let it go eventually because she's my mother. I know they've sacrificed a lot for my siblings and I to get this far in life. So why do I still listen to them despite it affecting a lot of my life decisions? Because I feel in-debt to them. A lot happened in my family. There were some times when it felt like it was falling apart because someone was being selfish, arrogant, and inconsiderate (I hate that person with a burning passion. I hate that person so much, I want that person to burn in Hell for what that person did to my family). But they fixed things because of the kids. They knew that we needed support from both parents. Knowing everything that happened in my family's drama, listening to my parents yelling, breaking things, and smashing holes into the wall, and comforting my siblings during the aftermath of intense arguing from my parents, I know that letting go of my parents will be the most difficult for me to become free.

It's late. It's almost 2:30. I need to sleep so I can wake up at 6:30 to work on my discussion.