I've been feeling depressed lately. It feels like I don't belong anywhere and I'm all alone. Because I feel out of place with groups of people, I get uncomfortable and then leave.
I'm not lost. I just don't have a home. I don't have a place or someone or something to help me feel comfort.
Tuesday, December 12, 2017
Hurtful expectations
I've been hurt a lot throughout my life, specifically emotionally. Sometimes my family hurts me, sometimes my friends do, past crushes definitely, and of course, myself. Because of all those moments and experiences, all the hurt I've felt has accumulated and developed into negative expectations or as the title says, hurtful expectations.
1. I don't think I'll ever get married. Honestly, it would be nice to spend the rest of your life with someone you love. I even made a recent post about opening up to love. But I'm just ok with the idea of it. Thinking about it is nice. I see the positive aspects of being in a long-term, honest, and faithful marriage. But I really don't think it will happen. Relationships aren't really a thing for my life so I might as well face reality and learn to keep it at the back of my mind for my other friends that will get married in the future. I don't even know how to be in a relationship since I've been single my entire life. Going on dates? Look at #2 and #3. Relationships are honestly really pointless for me but that's all from the shitty guys that convinced me that I'm not dating material. And I mean all the guys I've had a crush on.
2. Everyone will leave me. Everyone that's in my life now will leave me for better people and priorities. Yes I know I sound like I want attention but I still feel lonely these days. Even when I'm around a big group of my friends, I still feel lonely, awkward, and left out at times. Right now I'm kinda distancing myself from some people. People say that they'll be here for you now but later on, they won't. They'll forget about you. I'm still trying to adjust myself to becoming more comfortable with being by myself but I get attached to people easily. So I'm doing it little by little by trying to show less emotions to others. I do have close friends but they will leave me too.
3. I'm not really an interesting person. I'm not pretty. I'm not talented. I guess I'm kinda smart. I haven't done much with my life yet. Honestly, people shouldn't waste their time on me because all I do is sleep, eat, and study. I do dance but I'm deciding whether or not if I should slowly move it out of my life.
These are the few things I keep in mind everyday.
.
.
.
I just want to be loved back by someone I love. Is that too much to ask for?
.
.
.
I guess it is...
1. I don't think I'll ever get married. Honestly, it would be nice to spend the rest of your life with someone you love. I even made a recent post about opening up to love. But I'm just ok with the idea of it. Thinking about it is nice. I see the positive aspects of being in a long-term, honest, and faithful marriage. But I really don't think it will happen. Relationships aren't really a thing for my life so I might as well face reality and learn to keep it at the back of my mind for my other friends that will get married in the future. I don't even know how to be in a relationship since I've been single my entire life. Going on dates? Look at #2 and #3. Relationships are honestly really pointless for me but that's all from the shitty guys that convinced me that I'm not dating material. And I mean all the guys I've had a crush on.
2. Everyone will leave me. Everyone that's in my life now will leave me for better people and priorities. Yes I know I sound like I want attention but I still feel lonely these days. Even when I'm around a big group of my friends, I still feel lonely, awkward, and left out at times. Right now I'm kinda distancing myself from some people. People say that they'll be here for you now but later on, they won't. They'll forget about you. I'm still trying to adjust myself to becoming more comfortable with being by myself but I get attached to people easily. So I'm doing it little by little by trying to show less emotions to others. I do have close friends but they will leave me too.
3. I'm not really an interesting person. I'm not pretty. I'm not talented. I guess I'm kinda smart. I haven't done much with my life yet. Honestly, people shouldn't waste their time on me because all I do is sleep, eat, and study. I do dance but I'm deciding whether or not if I should slowly move it out of my life.
These are the few things I keep in mind everyday.
.
.
.
I just want to be loved back by someone I love. Is that too much to ask for?
.
.
.
I guess it is...
Friday, December 1, 2017
I'll open up a little to love
I'm scared of love. I've made that very clear in some of my posts before, but I think I'm kinda opening up to it... Slightly...
The thing that drives me to open up a little bit to it is how some of my friends in serious relationships talk about it. They talk about love for the other person and not themselves. What I mean by that is when people explain why they want to be in a relationship. I've heard reasons where people are in relationships because they don't want to end up lonely. With that reason, it's about the him, her, or themselves. Then there's people that want to be in a relationships because of the other person. Now it's about the other person and not his, her, or themselves.
I like that. Being in love because you love that person instead of not wanting to feel lonely.
Being in love because you love that person instead of not wanting to feel lonely. Now in that statement, it's thinking about it positively, not negatively. To me, you should love someone as a positive thing instead of something negative.
I'll open up to love a little bit because I want to love as a positive reason. Besides, I'm technically not lonely if I don't have a love life. I still have my friends and family. But I want to fall in love because I love him, not because I feel lonely.
I'm still hesitant to let myself love someone again but I'm ok with thinking about it.
I want to love someone that makes me feel safe, content, and comfortable. I'm tired of feeling anxious around someone I like.
The thing that drives me to open up a little bit to it is how some of my friends in serious relationships talk about it. They talk about love for the other person and not themselves. What I mean by that is when people explain why they want to be in a relationship. I've heard reasons where people are in relationships because they don't want to end up lonely. With that reason, it's about the him, her, or themselves. Then there's people that want to be in a relationships because of the other person. Now it's about the other person and not his, her, or themselves.
I like that. Being in love because you love that person instead of not wanting to feel lonely.
Being in love because you love that person instead of not wanting to feel lonely. Now in that statement, it's thinking about it positively, not negatively. To me, you should love someone as a positive thing instead of something negative.
I'll open up to love a little bit because I want to love as a positive reason. Besides, I'm technically not lonely if I don't have a love life. I still have my friends and family. But I want to fall in love because I love him, not because I feel lonely.
I'm still hesitant to let myself love someone again but I'm ok with thinking about it.
I want to love someone that makes me feel safe, content, and comfortable. I'm tired of feeling anxious around someone I like.
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