https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dnc5gubAtHU
This video really got to me. I mean, I have accepted myself for who I am and it made me a happier person. I felt as peace with myself. But somehow it just got to me and it made me think about the things in my life that still hurt me. I've been in bad vibes lately.
I am terrified about how successful I'll be in the future. I'm failing two classes because I was struggling to keep up with those classes and History, English, and Microbio as my priorities. History and English, I'm really good with words and analyzing things. Microbio, I'm really interested in medical terminology. That's why I was considering becoming a doctor after I found out how fascinated I am with medicine. The human body is amazing. Even today, we still don't know everything about it. There's so much to discover, help people, and makes their lives better. I want to be someone that can change their lives for the best. With a physical and or mental illness, it can change your life temporarily or permanently. Sometimes in a life or death situation. I want to help give people hope about life. The idea that doctors also have this god-like figure to them. You have the power to heal but also have the knowledge of how to kill. To me, that's amazing. Now, my purpose of becoming a doctor isn't to have that god-like image. Or honestly, the purpose of being a doctor is to protect the life of a human being health-wise which is something that everyone needs in my perspective. Your health is what keeps you alive to experience life and its meaning to how you interpret it.
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Wow. I can't believe I found it. My purpose in life.
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Anyway, that's why I want to be a doctor. Back to why I'm scared of my future.
So my family has a strong background in the medical field. My uncles, aunts, and cousins, are doctors, surgeons, nurses, pharmacists and dentists. I guess being in the medical field runs in my blood. I honestly want to be in the medical field. It's just that everyone has been through and is going through education so quickly, I feel the need to take as many classes as I can get and finish school as fast as possible. I thought that I could handle all that but I can't. I'm not good with stress, especially since I'm an emotional person. Stress is difficult for me to deal with and I don't have a lot of time to actually destress because I either spend my time eating, studying, or sleeping. Most of the time I sleep because I can't function without sleep. I can pull only one all-nighter and then I spend the next day recovering by sleeping. My diet sucks too. I'm a broke-ass college student. I buy a hugeass box of nachos for $8 and it can feed me for a whole day and I buy that pretty often. That's how bad my diet is and my face has been breaking out because of that. Also, my eczema has been pretty bad the days I'm on the verge of breaking down and crying. Some days I do. It's relieving afterwards but I also feel so tired from crying so much. The eczema I have is hereditary and I got it from my dad. It flares up if I eat a lot of chocolate or if I'm really stressed about something so then I use this strong steroid cream to kill the itch feeling. I'm really self-conscious about my hands because they're so scarred from my eczema. I mean there is the option to not itch obviously but it's a really strong urge if you have it.
The pressure from my medical-focused family and my dad especially stress me out. My dad is the main reason why I just feel like shit at times. It's a parent thing where they just compare you to people that are just better than you and then you end up like complete shit. That's a major reason why I chose to go to SFSU than SJSU that's actually closer to my hometown. I couldn't handle anymore of my dad restricting me and telling me what he thinks is best for me instead of letting me do what I think is best for me. And sometimes his last-minute plans are the reason why I have to stay up late and then feel like a rotting potato the next day. Sometimes, he takes me to events where it's like there's no purpose in me going. It's so frustrating.
Back to the comparing thing parents do, my dad keeps comparing me to my cousin that goes to UC Berkeley. Yeup Berkeley. I love my cousin. She's my favorite cousin and I never felt any hate towards her even when my dad would constantly compare me to her. Because honestly, my dad just exaggerates how "perfect" she is. I told her about how my dad compared me to her and she said that her mom (my aunt) also does the same even though she's an only child. She would be compared to her friends and it mentally messed her up. So we both understood each other and I finally saw the dark side of my "perfect" cousin that graduated in the top 5% of her class in high school.
Also, money. I feel terrible about the fact that I'm wasting my parents' money and to end up with me failing two of my classes my first semester. Honestly, I didn't know my limits till now. I guess it's better that I know my limits now than later. I'm surprised I didn't realize it in high school. With my most difficult classes like AP and honors classes, I barely passed them (well I was going through some emotional stuff too so that added on to the stuff I dealt with). I guess I was too ambitious and I thought that I could handle it but it's honestly a lot for me. Now, I know how much I can deal with. If you can handle 5 or more classes, then #1 Wow that's amazing. and #2 How are you not dead yet? Maybe you had to give up multiple aspects of life such as sleep and or a social life but you do you boo. Just don't end up in the hospital because you lost consciousness from a lack of sleep and a poor diet. Hospital bills are expensive af plus education these days is too.
Some days I feel like a bad friend. Bothering people with how needy I am and my emotions. At times I'm scared to vent because I'm worried that they're annoyed with me. That's how I felt when I was really depressed back then.
There are those days when I feel like I'm falling back in depression. I don't know. I'm just not good with emotional stress. I can't keep those emotions in the back of my head. It's so overwhelming, I wish I could stop feeling emotions. It could help me focus on my academics.
Well it's been a long thought-provoking night. I hope the nails on my left hand are dry because I just coated them with a lot of clear coat. I have church at 10AM and I hope I make it on time. I noticed that I digress a lot but that's ok. It's good to get your thoughts out, especially for me since I have a lot of them. I overthink. I really hate it. But it's who I am so that's that.
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