Daydreamer

I think about a lot of things. Very rarely, I'll daydream about something pleasant. So I'll talk about how I daydream and what I think about when I do.

I love being in places that are quiet and full of sunlight. Listening to music in a sunny and quiet area helps set the calm mood. The library is the best place for me to daydream because it's quiet and full of windows that bring in natural light into the room. It doesn't matter what kind of music I listen to. The music determines what kind of daydream I want.

So what do I daydream about? Well, there's a lot to cover but I'll give some examples.

When I like someone:
There's a warm and cozy feeling to it, filled with smiles and hugs. Something that always comes up when I daydream about that person is when I hug him. Ahhhhh... hugs. I personally think that hugs are better than kisses. Back hugs are my favorite. I think they're really cute. Besides, they can lead to something sweet or something more. Hehe...

When I feel nostalgic:
I'm happy, confident, and a free person. They're mostly daydreams about dancing with KDT again. I'm feeling cute, sexy, or badass af. Man, I miss those days. Everyone is laughing, we're all supporting each other, and roasting everyone at the same time. It's important to have people like that in your life. They help make life worth living.

When I feel sad:
My chest feels heavy and I feel lonely. I'm expecting someone to embrace me and tell me that everything will be ok while I cry in that person's arms. But it never happens. I can't do anything in that moment. My mind is clouded with whatever I'm thinking about. Sometimes I let out a long sigh or feel the burning tension in my eyes.

Lonely Nights

Whenever I feel sad or an overwhelming moment of depression, I like to sit or lay still and feel it. It helps a lot because I don't have anyone to talk to about my thoughts. They're too dark and depressing. No one would be able to understand why I think this way or why I have these thoughts.

I forced myself to cry in the shower today. I knew that something was bothering me. But I kept pushing it in the back of my mind. I knew I wanted to cry it all out before but I couldn't at the moment. So then I cried today.

The warm water felt like a warm embrace, something that I miss and need. Something to tell me that I'll get over it. Something to tell me that everything will be ok. Something to tell me that I'll be ok.

Maybe that's why I sleep with two heavy blankets, three pillows, and a plushie.

Highlight - It's Still Beautiful

Sometimes a mental break is a must.

I know I could've done way better my freshman year of college. I did so much more my junior and senior years of high school. I was in an active dance team, kept up with 20 hours of community service per semester, maintained my GPA to a 3.5, and dealt with unnecessary drama and emotions. This also includes the stuff that happens in a dance teams such as weekday and weekend practices, practices I do on my own time, meetings for the dance team, socials/bonding events, and a number of performances that take up a majority of my day and energy. My schedule basically revolved around my dance team lol. Compared to my freshman year of college, all I did was occasionally go to dance practice, attend meetings for the kpop club that were at least once per month, occasionally met up with my friends, go to class, had emotional problems, and dealt with a problematic roommate. I wasn't really busy. So what happened?

I was mentally exhausted. 

The reason why I could keep up with all that in high school was because of my dance team. The happiness I felt while sacrificing my personal time and energy was worth it. I call it a physical-to-emotional investment. I allocated a portion of my physical effort and time in order to be a part of the team. In return, this huge chunk of satisfaction and happiness I received helped me maintain my hectic schedule tremendously. Investments kinda work like this right? I dunno. I'm not a business major LOL

I was missing that one key component which mentally helped me keep up with everything. To be honest, I was pretty depressed for the most part of my freshman year. When I had my mental breakdowns or when life was feeling pretty shitty at the moment, I didn't have anyone to talk to most of the time. It was either because I was mad at this person, this person was too busy to talk, this person wouldn't understand and would judge me for feeling this way, or because I wasn't close enough to this person. I cried on the rooftop of my apartment a few times, in the shower where no one could hear or see me crying, and most of the time on my desk. Sometimes I cried myself to sleep because something was bothering me so much, I couldn't sleep. And when I cried enough, I fell asleep. I did a lot of crying this year now that I think about it. 

I felt lonely most of the time. When one of my close friends messaged me, I'd get so excited because it meant that I could interact with someone. I think there were some days where I didn't open my mouth to speak because I didn't have anyone to talk to. I mean, technically I could talk to anyone but they were problems that were too personal.

I had a few migraines which meant that I was pretty stressed out. Like damn I had some bad migraines. Some of them to the extent of me skipping class because I felt like passing out and throwing up at the same with a pulsing pain on the left side of my head.

There were some moments when I needed a hug. Right now would be one of them. 

Uneasiness

I knew that something was bothering me when I stepped into the shower today and stood there longer than I should. I had this uneasy feeling about something today. I took a shower after I ate breakfast hoping that it would calm myself down.

I undressed and stepped into the steamy shower. Droplets of hot water touched my body and I felt relieved for a bit. But that uneasy feeling was slowly creeping back. It made me feel weak, vulnerable, and pity for myself. It reminded me of all the unreasonable negativity that I wanted to forget about. I knew that there was a logical explanation to them. I knew that there was a chance to do better. I knew I had to get over it. But they clouded my mind.

My hands ran through the wet strands of hair a few times. I faced the shower head, intertwined my fingers together, and placed them behind my neck. The hot water running down my face didn't help. So I went on and washed my hair and body. 

I knew this uneasy feeling would pass eventually. I went though my day with it lurking in the back of my mind, waiting for it to go away. But it was more like waiting for something to happen to make it go away. 

Late Bloomer

I'm late to a lot of things. Church, dance practice, lectures, assignment submissions, and meet ups with my friends. But guess what? I'm also late to my own character development.

I call myself a late bloomer because a lot of my life changing decisions and events are pretty last minute haha. I had a slight glow-up after high school (It was the glasses lol), decided to change my major from Nursing to Medicine this year, and I'm currently trying to work on controlling my mood swings because they're the worse.

I identify myself as an independent person because I like to be in control of my own actions and decisions. But yah know I'm not fully independent because I still rely on my parents for food and money lol. I'm fresh out of high school. It's understandable I guess hehe... Because I suddenly have all this independence living away from my parents, I realized that it'll take me a while to adjust and grow up. I'm surprised that I survived this far in a city AND in college honestly. I've had my number of bad times but everyone gets those.

So from now on, I'm gonna keep myself on task and I'll become harder on myself again.

I fucked up my freshman year of college but I can't do anything about it. It's over and all that I can do is improve.

Dear Grandpa and Grandma,

Hello there! I'm writing a letter to my grandparents. I honestly don't know how to start off honestly LOL There's so much I want to say so I'll just type it out here and copy and paste it onto Word, print it, and then send it to them. They helped my family and I in so many ways. I honestly don't know how to repay them back for all the kindness and love they gave to me. I'm hoping that becoming a doctor will make them proud.

So, here it is.

Dear Grandpa and Grandma,

Hello! I hope that you two have been healthy and doing well lately. It's that spring season right now when the weather's been having its good and bad days. Spring has its surprises like the weather. I hope the weather is pleasant where you two are.

I want to thank both of you for and helping my family and I with love and support, especially with the checks. College is very expensive haha. I really appreciate the words that were also in the letters with the checks. Something that I like to think about is that: Money is a consumer item that can be no longer be used after it's gone. Words can be used over and over again because they sometimes hold a sentimental value which is something that can't be measured, even with money. They have the power to inspire and create change.

San Francisco has taught me so much about life. I feel like I'm growing up and maturing the more time I spend here. Living in San Francisco and being a student at San Francisco State University taught me more than what's in the textbook or during 8AM lectures or in labs. I discovered more about myself and what I want out of life.

I spend at lot of my time going downtown or exploring more of San Francisco. It expanded my world a little bit since I would normally be tied down to wherever my parents went or where my friends wanted to hang out. But being on my own in college, I had the freedom to go around and be by myself. It was a good feeling of independence. Not the rebellious or empowerment kind but a sense of self. I become more aware of myself and my surroundings.

I also had time to think about my future occupation. At first I was settled with Nursing because I realized how much I love to learn about everything that relates to medicine, specifically with neurology. I became fascinated with how the nervous system works, especially the human brain. There's still so much more to discover about it.

Being the ambitious person that I am, I wondered if it was possible for me to become a doctor, specifically a neurosurgeon. I believe that I have the potential to do so, but I need to get my life together and decide if whether or not I want to choose this career. I gave the idea some thought and I chose to do my best to become a neurosurgeon. There will be a lot of sacrifices to make but I think it'll be worth it in the long run. Besides, working in the medical field goes along with my personal morals so that I wouldn't feel guilty about what I do for a living.

So now I've said everything about my experience in San Francisco so far. I have no regrets coming to San Francisco State. It really is the perfect school for me as a college undergrad. Thank you both again for supporting me and loving me throughout my life. I hope to make you both and my family proud someday!

With love,

Melissa

Mmmm...

Helloooo~

Yes I know, I haven't written anything in over more than a month. But that's because I've been trying to get my life together. A lot has happened lately. I moved to a new apartment, finals are coming up, my grades are slightly getting better, I yelled at a member from my dance team, had a mental breakdown, and yeah...

Mmmm... My blog feels unorganized but I'll fix everything when I have time.  I need to organize my life first (or at least try to).