Cogito ergo sum.

This week has been so tiring lately. There's so much that I'm thinking about right now. Overthinking is something that I do almost all the time. Seriously. There's so much going on in my head, I'm astounded to how I'm still sane.

Ever since I stopped talking to him, I started accepting my overthinking habits. Well, the thing about it, I don't want to call my thinking process as "overthinking" anymore because no matter what, overthinking is still thinking. There's just more thought involved and I see no problem to that.

Why am I suddenly accepting my thinking process?

Because I think it's beautiful.

Thinking a lot helps me become aware of everything whether they are explicit or inferred. I'm always aware of myself as who I am, my physical surroundings, and inferred situations such as knowing that something is wrong without being told that something is.

In relation to that, it led me to become a more observant and curious person. I noticed that small moments in life are just as important as the big ones. They're small but do happen frequently compared to significant moments that occur once in a while. I also find it nice when someone notices the small things about my life. To me, it shows that the person really does care and pay attention to you because it's difficult to remember the small details about people.

See. To some people, it seems as if I'm overthinking about life. But honestly, without giving anything much thought, there wouldn't be much advancement in humanity. A lot of the everyday tasks, objects that we use, and everything that is in our lives right now wouldn't have been in existence if it we didn't give a lot of thought to them.

Selfies and many more of them

It's been a while since I've had some good vibes. Selfies bring me good vibes because they make me feel pretty. So here yah go. Some good vibes with my face in makeup. One of my roommates did it~ She's so kewls~~

Stress, stress, and more stress.

My hands feel like they're slightly burning from rubbing them against each other. I see tiny bumps on my hands filled with clear liquid. I tried my best to avoid scratching them because I'd end up with hands covered in blood and scars. 

You see, I have dyshidrosis or also known as dyshidrotic eczema. It's a skin condition that creates small blister-like bumps appear on my hands and can occur on the feet too. I have it on my hands. There's this intense itch that occurs sometimes and if I do end up itching, I end up scratching off my skin and maybe some tissue underneath it with blood coming out of the scratches. The next day after that mess happens, I end up with these ugly scars on my fingers and hands and my hands would feel a sharp stinging if my hand was exposed to water. 

Now how does stress and eczema relate? Well, the eczema that I have can be caused by stress and my eczema flares up when I'm stressed out. Therefore, I'm stressed out af right now. 

Oh yeah,  the eczema I have isn't curable. Sucks for me. But it's ok, it's only hereditary. 

And you know what causes my stress? Overthinking. And yes, I am currently overthinking about a lot of things. 

My fucking hands really itch my goodness. It's so bad...

I also had a migraine a few days ago too and that was caused by a sudden change of my sleeping pattern AND stress.

So yes I really do need to stop overthinking because it affects my mental and physical health. 

But yah know, to all those people that also overthink to my extent, it won't go away no matter how hard you try. 

I need to relax and destress myself from life.

Hot Showers

I have way too much on my mind to work on my homework. So then I decided to take a hot shower to calm down.

After washing my hair and my body, I let the warm water fall onto my face and stood there for a few seconds. Then I turned around and felt the water on my tense back. 

I twisted the two silver knobs to the right and the water stopped flowing from the shower head. I stood there for a few moments and thought about how much is going through my head. Jealously, disappointment, and loneliness. Just a few of the many unwanted emotions that I wanted to throw away.

I grabbed my towel that was hanging on the pole that was holding the shower curtain and did the best I could to dry off my body. For some weird reason, I pressed my back against the cold tiles. Of course my body flinched against the sudden cold feeling, but I kept moving my back closer and closer until I felt my entire back touching the tiles while holding my towel to my chest. The adrenaline kicked in and thought to myself, "I miss this feeling." 

I took my towel and wrapped it around my hair so that the water from my hair wouldn't drip on my body. I left the tub and stepped onto the shower mat to dry my feet. The bathroom was warm and steamy. 

I wish I could've stayed there for hours and hours. It was nice to think about something pleasant and calming. The warm feeling was something I needed lately. 

Emotionally tired

I'm really hungry right now but I'll get up and cook food when I feel that I really need it.

It's one of those nights. Expecting a lot but end up feeling disappointed. The feeling bothers me a lot, especially since it's hard for me to concentrate or I guess do anything like eating. I'm laying here in bed feeling lonely, tired, and disappointed. Maybe next time I'll be on the roof of my apartment looking at the view. Probably tomorrow afternoon. I dunno.

I hate Valentine's Day.

Well, that horrid day is coming up so why not have a post about my opinions and feelings about it?

Yes, I fucking hate Valentine's Day. This post will be I guess a collection of how I feel about it, how I deal with "I like you" feelings, and I guess some other stuff related to romantic love (which I think is stupid for me personally but I'll get to that later on).

Ok. Why do I hate Valentine's Day? Well, let's start off with knowing that I always contradict myself because of how open-minded I am. I'm not saying that to show off honestly. Sometimes, being open-minded sucks and confusing. I hate Valentine's Day because it reminds me of how lonely and single I am.

I do say that I love being single because there's no one to hold me back from doing what I want, but then being single with a crush fucking sucks because for me, I know that things will never happen between us. So then my way of coping with the fact that I know that he doesn't like me back is saying that I love being single over and over till I do feel like being single is fun. At times it does work with those feelings pushed way back in my mind, hoping that I would ignore it and not think about it. However, it's still there even though I try to keep it off my mind. Even if I hide it, it's still there but hidden. It won't go away unless if I do something about it. But nah, I'll just maintain how things are even though I know that I'm gonna get hurt in the future and that I'm too scared to deal with them because of the unknown of what will happen.

Yeah, to be honest, I would like to be in a relationship but the thing with me and my emotions LOL. Not fun. I get jealous very easily because of how much I overthink. I've been so jealous to the point of wanting to go up and punch the person I'm mad at. But I avoid being violent about it and vent instead.

I really hate having feelings for someone. I want to go back to those days when I didn't have someone on my mind almost 24/7. But nah my feelings just can't with the concept of completely ignoring those "I like you" feelings even for a day. Like shit man, I didn't ask for this.

It hurts a lot. I'm so fucking tired of feeling disappointed, jealous, and I guess heart-broken in general. I really am scared of ending up lonely. I know that I can be single and make money for myself. but that's only for my physical needs to stay alive. I feel like I give a lot of love but then I never receive the same amount back. I say that's ok, it's better to give than to receive. But it emotionally drains me. Sometimes I want someone to show the same love for me as I do with the other.

It's never going to happen though LOL. I know it for sure. Romantic love is stupid and pointless for me. I'm only saying that to comfort myself though. I'm scared to open myself to my feelings to the guy because the last few times I did that, I ended up being an emotional and depressed mess. I would sleep for most of the day after I come home from school and barely eat dinner. And if I did eat dinner, I'd barely eat anything. Like a few bites and then go up to my bed and sleep.

The only time I'm ok with romantic love is with K-dramas LOL. Yes, I know. Weird. But it fills that empty void of how what it's like to be in love. Yes, I know it's not the same but it's something. It's either that or nothing.

I'll end this with a quote. And yes, it's from a K-pop song. Wow what a surprise lol.

"돌아보지 말고 떠나가라. 또 나를 찾지말고 살아가라. Don’t look back and leave, don’t find me again and just live on. Because I have no regrets from loving you, so only take the good memories." - Big Bang, Haru Haru (하루하루)

More about me pt. 10

470 - citychicksurveys

What's your favorite thing about spring?
Flowers~~~

Do you consider yourself unique?
Yeah, I think I'm kinda interesting...

Have you ever tried belly dancing? If so, did you like it?
No I've never tried belly dancing but I would love to try it. I know how to move my hips and body roll soooo yeh.

How do you wear your hair?
If I wash my hair, I leave it down because it takes a while for it to dry. If I don't wash my hair, then in a ponytail with a big hair clip to hold it or wrap it in a bun and hold it up with a big hair clip. I have really long hair. I think it reaches my butt.

Ever consider going out with someone 7-9 years older than you?
Uh no.

Have you ever played the sims 3? If so, how is it?
Never played it.

Thoughts on Nicki Minaj?
She's cool.

Algebra is hard. Agree?
Nah. Well, it is for me if I don't review what I just learned in class. I like math but I'm too lazy to go over it LOL

Do you respect other's religions?
Yeup. You do you boo~

Are extensions a waste of money?
What kind of extensions? lol

Did you know some guy is in a relationship with his car?
Yeah... I mean... If he's happy then ok good for him.

Have you ever heard of Balance and Composure?
That sounds like a yoga pose lol.

What are things you do when you're nervous?
Stutter and blush a bit.

Do you like going out to eat?
Yeah but everything in San Francisco is expensive af.

Do you like drugs? Favorites?
Nah. I'm good.

What would you name your first son and daughter?
I dunno.

Favorite feature on the member of the opposite sex?
Legs. If a guy has nice muscular legs, then he has a nice butt :D

If you could travel anywhere, where to?
South Korea or Japan, mainly for the food.

If you had a superpower, what would it be?
To be invisible. Free trips to places~~

The drink you would order at a bar?
Some cocktail if I'm with friends. But if I'm drinking by myself because I'm depressed about something, then some hard liquor.

What is something that you really don't like?
Ignorance.

If you had to change your name, what would it be?
Alexandra.

You can only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what is it?
I really don't know.

What position do you normally sleep in?
On my right side.

Were you a part of any clique in high school?
Yeah. I was a part of the dancing clique. Not really much of a clique though because dancers were also in other cliques. Yeah, we're pretty well-rounded.

Do you wish to travel a lot?
Yeah, that'd be cool.

Have you ever given blood?
Nope. I'm too skinny and there's probably high amounts of glucose and lipids in my blood lol.

Do you like the way you grew up?
Kinda. There were some traumatic moments.

Would you prefer to read or write poetry?
Write.

Where did you grow up?
Milpitas, CA.

What's the last thing you watched on TV?
I don't know. I don't watch TV that often.

When is your birthday?
May 31st.

Do you wear glasses?
Yeup.