I hate Valentine's Day.

Well, that horrid day is coming up so why not have a post about my opinions and feelings about it?

Yes, I fucking hate Valentine's Day. This post will be I guess a collection of how I feel about it, how I deal with "I like you" feelings, and I guess some other stuff related to romantic love (which I think is stupid for me personally but I'll get to that later on).

Ok. Why do I hate Valentine's Day? Well, let's start off with knowing that I always contradict myself because of how open-minded I am. I'm not saying that to show off honestly. Sometimes, being open-minded sucks and confusing. I hate Valentine's Day because it reminds me of how lonely and single I am.

I do say that I love being single because there's no one to hold me back from doing what I want, but then being single with a crush fucking sucks because for me, I know that things will never happen between us. So then my way of coping with the fact that I know that he doesn't like me back is saying that I love being single over and over till I do feel like being single is fun. At times it does work with those feelings pushed way back in my mind, hoping that I would ignore it and not think about it. However, it's still there even though I try to keep it off my mind. Even if I hide it, it's still there but hidden. It won't go away unless if I do something about it. But nah, I'll just maintain how things are even though I know that I'm gonna get hurt in the future and that I'm too scared to deal with them because of the unknown of what will happen.

Yeah, to be honest, I would like to be in a relationship but the thing with me and my emotions LOL. Not fun. I get jealous very easily because of how much I overthink. I've been so jealous to the point of wanting to go up and punch the person I'm mad at. But I avoid being violent about it and vent instead.

I really hate having feelings for someone. I want to go back to those days when I didn't have someone on my mind almost 24/7. But nah my feelings just can't with the concept of completely ignoring those "I like you" feelings even for a day. Like shit man, I didn't ask for this.

It hurts a lot. I'm so fucking tired of feeling disappointed, jealous, and I guess heart-broken in general. I really am scared of ending up lonely. I know that I can be single and make money for myself. but that's only for my physical needs to stay alive. I feel like I give a lot of love but then I never receive the same amount back. I say that's ok, it's better to give than to receive. But it emotionally drains me. Sometimes I want someone to show the same love for me as I do with the other.

It's never going to happen though LOL. I know it for sure. Romantic love is stupid and pointless for me. I'm only saying that to comfort myself though. I'm scared to open myself to my feelings to the guy because the last few times I did that, I ended up being an emotional and depressed mess. I would sleep for most of the day after I come home from school and barely eat dinner. And if I did eat dinner, I'd barely eat anything. Like a few bites and then go up to my bed and sleep.

The only time I'm ok with romantic love is with K-dramas LOL. Yes, I know. Weird. But it fills that empty void of how what it's like to be in love. Yes, I know it's not the same but it's something. It's either that or nothing.

I'll end this with a quote. And yes, it's from a K-pop song. Wow what a surprise lol.

"돌아보지 말고 떠나가라. 또 나를 찾지말고 살아가라. Don’t look back and leave, don’t find me again and just live on. Because I have no regrets from loving you, so only take the good memories." - Big Bang, Haru Haru (하루하루)