Saturday, November 26, 2016
Same.
Okay this isn't good...
I'm so sorry for this. I swear I didn't drink any alcohol today.
It's been really difficult for me lately to look forward to anything in life. A month or a bit more into college and it feels like I lost a part of who I am. I haven't been passionate about anything. Not even looking forward to meeting up with friends, late assignments, and especially kpop and dancing and you know how much kpop and dancing means to me. They're the reasons why I got out of my depression. Sometimes I wonder if I'm having a relapse and I'm slowly falling back. Honestly, this feels like shit. This feels different from the time when I was depressed because I felt lonely and started degrading myself. I know I have people that love and care about me, but I feel empty.
I lost my desire to love. And because of that, I lost the passion that kept me looking forward to whatever happens in life.
It's been really difficult for me lately to look forward to anything in life. A month or a bit more into college and it feels like I lost a part of who I am. I haven't been passionate about anything. Not even looking forward to meeting up with friends, late assignments, and especially kpop and dancing and you know how much kpop and dancing means to me. They're the reasons why I got out of my depression. Sometimes I wonder if I'm having a relapse and I'm slowly falling back. Honestly, this feels like shit. This feels different from the time when I was depressed because I felt lonely and started degrading myself. I know I have people that love and care about me, but I feel empty.
I lost my desire to love. And because of that, I lost the passion that kept me looking forward to whatever happens in life.
Friday, November 25, 2016
Is it me or am I starting to give up on life?
I'm really serious about this.
For a while, I've been starting to have a hard time finding passion in anything worth doing. It's so difficult for me to be scared about anything honestly. A month into college and I started not caring about anything. There have been some good times and bad times but, I don't know.
I'm scared. I'm not motivated to do anything. Nothing so far has mentally stimulated me to do anything.
I feel dead on the inside.
My dad asked me to write an essay about why I want to be a doctor. I want to but... I don't have the reason known to me why I want to. Maybe I just don't know yet but right now, I have nothing.
This scares me. Normally, I'm passionate in what and who I love. It's as if a part of me is gone and now I have to find it.
I want something to spark that passion in me.
I want to look forward to something,
I want something that will make me feel excited and happy and passionate about life.
Because I feel dead on the inside.
Sunday, November 20, 2016
Distractions
Tumblr gives me a lot of sad feels at night. That's why I haven't been concentrating well lately.
Monday, November 14, 2016
Escape
I want to go back on the swing and pretend that my problems don't exist.
I want to feel that small moment of bliss
Before I feel my feet land on the dirty ground
Before I feel my legs trembling from sitting on the tiny black band of plastic
Before I feel my wrists and arms sore from clinging onto the rusty chains
Before I feel the lonely breeze of city
So I'll know that such a feeling exists in this world.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
More about me pt. 6
Woot Woot. Back with another tumblr questionnnaire because I'm bored af. I'll work on my microbio hw after this because I need to get my life together...
ASK GAME - benaddictmindpalace
1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.
1. SISTAR - Give It To Me
2. G-Dragon - R.O.D
3. SHINee - Kiss Yo
4. SHINee - Note
5. Jonghyun (SHINee) - You Are My Lady (cover)
6. B.A.P. - 1004 (Angel)
2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
SHINee even though there's five people in SHINee LOL
3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 64, give me line 14.
It's my sister's French textbook LOL. Too lazy to ask my sister to translate it.
4) What do you think about the most?
How I'm gonna maintain my food budget, getting into the pre-med program at sfsu, this guy that I like.
5) What was the last lie you told?
I just woke up.
6) Do you believe in karma?
Yeup.
7) Do you have any irrational fears?
I really hate things that squirm and I get scared of the dark once in a while.
8) What sexuality do you identify as?
Straight.
9) How can I win your heart?
Mentally stimulate me. Make me laugh, tell me stories, talk to me about your opinions. Just make me smile whenever I see you.
10) What is something you want in your life right now?
Well, right now I feel as if things are slowly breaking apart between one of my best friends and I. Something happened and I reacted really petty and jealous. So then I asked him if we could talk about it when he comes back to California. Yeah... I really hope that we don't end up not being friends again... I really don't want that to happen but I don't know how he feels about this right now... Right now, I want a hug from him knowing that everything will be alright.
11) Do you get distracted easily?
OMFG YEAH I HATE IT. I'm just fascinated with a lot of things.
12) Favorite color to wear?
Black. You can't go wrong with the color black.
13) What traits in people make you angry?
When you dehumanize another human being, being ignorant, using others for selfish needs, just a few lol.
14) Are you a country person or a city person?
I'm a city person. I live for excitement and change. I can't do that in the country.
15) Favorite female character?
Wonder Woman~ I was so into reading her earlier comics when I was in elementary school because there weren't that many female heroes that I could relate to. My dad's friend gave me a collection of Wonder Woman's earlier comics and I fell in love with how amazing she is being an independent woman. And so I kept reading those comics over and over again.
16) Favorite male character?
Spiderman~ Another childhood fav :3 I grew up watching the Spiderman trilogy with Tobey Maguire as Spiderman. I dunno lol. I guess I'm biased to him because I grew up around him LOL
My dad's favorite superhero is Spiderman so I guess he influenced me to liking Spiderman LOOOOOL
17) What would your theme song be?
I asked three of my friends and this is what I got:
31) To you, what is the meaning of life?
I think the meaning of life to me is to discover who you are as a person. When you finally find yourself, you'll be able to accept yourself, become at peace with yourself, and find happiness within yourself.
32) What is your astrological sign?
Gemini~
33) Love or lust?
Love.
34) All's fair love and war?
No. You have to consider the ones that are sacrificed because of love and war.
35) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?
This is so narcissistic of me but yeah LOL
36) If you could have a super power, what would it be?
To be invisible~ Free rides and access to so many places :3
37) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
Any song that KDT perfomed to when I was an active member. KDT always gave me great memories <3
38) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?
I think there's a similar question that I answered earlier from my other questionnaires. I forgot LOL have fun finding it~
39) What is the single best life decision you have made so far?
Joining KDT~ KDT helped me grow as a person and I would never trade any experience for my KDT days.
40) What is your current desktop picture?
SHINee <3
41) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
I'm gonna be honest. I'm not gonna erase that time when I was really depressed and suicidal. It really opened my eyes to become a more understanding person. I want to erase moment I started liking one of my friends because it traumatized me. I'm scared to like someone. I'm scared to open myself to someone because I'm scared that I'll get hurt again. I've been hurt so many times because of my feelings for people. And I can't forget how devastating it was. I felt worthless. I really didn't expect him to do that to me. It still makes me cry when I think about it. I'm in tears right now. It still hurts. I don't know what will happen when we finally get to talk about it. I know I'll be crying, that's for sure.
42) Do you want to travel? Where to?
Yes I want to travel~ I wanna travel to the Philippines, Japan, and South Korea.
43) How's the relationship with your parents?
It's ok.
44) What is your aspiration in life?
To be happy.
45) What do you want to be remembered for?
As someone that made his or her life a bit more interesting.
ASK GAME - benaddictmindpalace
1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.
1. SISTAR - Give It To Me
2. G-Dragon - R.O.D
3. SHINee - Kiss Yo
4. SHINee - Note
5. Jonghyun (SHINee) - You Are My Lady (cover)
6. B.A.P. - 1004 (Angel)
2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
SHINee even though there's five people in SHINee LOL
3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 64, give me line 14.
It's my sister's French textbook LOL. Too lazy to ask my sister to translate it.
4) What do you think about the most?
How I'm gonna maintain my food budget, getting into the pre-med program at sfsu, this guy that I like.
5) What was the last lie you told?
I just woke up.
6) Do you believe in karma?
Yeup.
7) Do you have any irrational fears?
I really hate things that squirm and I get scared of the dark once in a while.
8) What sexuality do you identify as?
Straight.
9) How can I win your heart?
Mentally stimulate me. Make me laugh, tell me stories, talk to me about your opinions. Just make me smile whenever I see you.
10) What is something you want in your life right now?
Well, right now I feel as if things are slowly breaking apart between one of my best friends and I. Something happened and I reacted really petty and jealous. So then I asked him if we could talk about it when he comes back to California. Yeah... I really hope that we don't end up not being friends again... I really don't want that to happen but I don't know how he feels about this right now... Right now, I want a hug from him knowing that everything will be alright.
11) Do you get distracted easily?
OMFG YEAH I HATE IT. I'm just fascinated with a lot of things.
12) Favorite color to wear?
Black. You can't go wrong with the color black.
13) What traits in people make you angry?
When you dehumanize another human being, being ignorant, using others for selfish needs, just a few lol.
14) Are you a country person or a city person?
I'm a city person. I live for excitement and change. I can't do that in the country.
15) Favorite female character?
Wonder Woman~ I was so into reading her earlier comics when I was in elementary school because there weren't that many female heroes that I could relate to. My dad's friend gave me a collection of Wonder Woman's earlier comics and I fell in love with how amazing she is being an independent woman. And so I kept reading those comics over and over again.
16) Favorite male character?
Spiderman~ Another childhood fav :3 I grew up watching the Spiderman trilogy with Tobey Maguire as Spiderman. I dunno lol. I guess I'm biased to him because I grew up around him LOL
My dad's favorite superhero is Spiderman so I guess he influenced me to liking Spiderman LOOOOOL
17) What would your theme song be?
I asked three of my friends and this is what I got:
1# CL - Lifted
Because my head is always in the clouds~
Because one of my best friends remembers that I would listen to this song to help me sleep. (omg the lyrics to this song imma cry ;__;)
Because she said that it kinda fits me LOL (the lyrics are sooo cute :3)
He's really into Watsky lately lol (Same I'm fucking broke too LOL)
Ah. My fav KDT song hehe. He said that anything from KDT describes me lol KDT does a lot of girl dances I love it hehe. I found my sexual, cute, feminine side with KDT ;) The song is about a girl wanting another round of sex because the guy didn't last that long LOOOOOOL
18) Do you have an unpopular opinion?
Um. Not at the moment. I knew what it was a while back but I forgot what it was LOL
19) What is your greatest weakness? Your greatest strength?
Weakness: I get distracted easily or I overthink LOL
Strength: I am a caring person. Like forreals. I give a lot of fucks for the people that I love.
20) Do you have a collection of anything?
Origami paper LOL I use it anyway though.
21) What words do you live by?
Something is better than nothing.
22) If you had a chance to have a conversation with your idol, what would you say?
I dunno. I'd be too busy worried about my level of fangirling LOL
23) Do you play an instrument?
I sing LOL but not professionally.
24) Last film/TV show you saw that made you cry?
The 2016 US election.
25) What was the first movie you watched in the cinema? If you don't remember that, what was the last?
I think the first movie I saw in a cinema was either a Disney or a Harry Potter movie. The last one was Suicide Squad.
26) Describe yourself with one word.
Contradiction.
27) Why did you join tumblr?
Because I was curious about what people do on tumblr.
28) If you could go and see any famous landmark, which would it be?
The Eiffel Tower so I can go up and see all the tiny people from the top.
29) What's your biggest "what if"?
What if I didn't have romantic feelings for people?
30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm?
For both, that indent in the middle of the arm that's behind the elbow. I'm too lazy to look up what it is LOL
31) To you, what is the meaning of life?
I think the meaning of life to me is to discover who you are as a person. When you finally find yourself, you'll be able to accept yourself, become at peace with yourself, and find happiness within yourself.
32) What is your astrological sign?
Gemini~
33) Love or lust?
Love.
34) All's fair love and war?
No. You have to consider the ones that are sacrificed because of love and war.
35) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?
This is so narcissistic of me but yeah LOL
36) If you could have a super power, what would it be?
To be invisible~ Free rides and access to so many places :3
37) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?
Any song that KDT perfomed to when I was an active member. KDT always gave me great memories <3
38) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?
I think there's a similar question that I answered earlier from my other questionnaires. I forgot LOL have fun finding it~
39) What is the single best life decision you have made so far?
Joining KDT~ KDT helped me grow as a person and I would never trade any experience for my KDT days.
40) What is your current desktop picture?
SHINee <3
41) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
I'm gonna be honest. I'm not gonna erase that time when I was really depressed and suicidal. It really opened my eyes to become a more understanding person. I want to erase moment I started liking one of my friends because it traumatized me. I'm scared to like someone. I'm scared to open myself to someone because I'm scared that I'll get hurt again. I've been hurt so many times because of my feelings for people. And I can't forget how devastating it was. I felt worthless. I really didn't expect him to do that to me. It still makes me cry when I think about it. I'm in tears right now. It still hurts. I don't know what will happen when we finally get to talk about it. I know I'll be crying, that's for sure.
42) Do you want to travel? Where to?
Yes I want to travel~ I wanna travel to the Philippines, Japan, and South Korea.
43) How's the relationship with your parents?
It's ok.
44) What is your aspiration in life?
To be happy.
45) What do you want to be remembered for?
As someone that made his or her life a bit more interesting.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Maybe...
I don't know why. But I stopped caring about a lot of things. It's strange. I do have goals in life. I want to become a surgeon because I want to do more to help people. I want to help save lives. But as a surgeon, it's a matter of life or death. I'm not even terrified about the fact that I failed a majority of my midterms the past two months and the semester ending soon.
I want to stress out about homework. I want to stress out about failing my classes. I want to stress out about turning in my essays and projects late and unfinished. I want to stress out about something.
But I can't. Because I stopped caring. I want to but I can't and it frustrates me so much.
I stopped caring about so many things that should be important to me but I somehow can't panic or stress about them.
Maybe the amount stress from the first semester of my senior year in high school was so much, it lead me to stop caring about a lot of things.
Maybe it was the stress from my boy problem the second semester of senior year in high school. I didn't sleep or eat well at that time and it was honestly a traumatic experience.
Maybe because I gave up on love because it gave up on me. Not through family or friends but with people that I liked and the guy I have feelings for now. Because I don't want to love, I stopped caring.
At this point in life, I'm probably used to feeling disappointment because it happens so often. The mental stress from last year killed me. I don't want to love the way I feel about this guy that I like.
Maybe it's because I don't want to love.
Or maybe I'm denying it. Maybe I want to love but I'm scared to openly admit it because I don't want to get hurt again.
It'll be difficult for me to open up again.
I'm a whole mess of emotions now. Trump is president. I'm really tired but there's so much that I have to do and all my unfinished tasks and I don't want to disappoint my dance team because I'm co-coordinator and I'm tearing up now.
See, I'm stressing out. This is good. Not for my acne though lol.
But I want to love someone without having the fear of feeling disappointment. I know that there are other ways to love but I'm scared.
I'm frustrated and terrified and scared that my fear to love someone and to be disappointed in the end will take over me and I'll stop caring.
I feel so empty inside. I miss that passion I feel when I care about something or someone.
I feel as if I'm not myself.
I want to stress out about homework. I want to stress out about failing my classes. I want to stress out about turning in my essays and projects late and unfinished. I want to stress out about something.
But I can't. Because I stopped caring. I want to but I can't and it frustrates me so much.
I stopped caring about so many things that should be important to me but I somehow can't panic or stress about them.
Maybe the amount stress from the first semester of my senior year in high school was so much, it lead me to stop caring about a lot of things.
Maybe it was the stress from my boy problem the second semester of senior year in high school. I didn't sleep or eat well at that time and it was honestly a traumatic experience.
Maybe because I gave up on love because it gave up on me. Not through family or friends but with people that I liked and the guy I have feelings for now. Because I don't want to love, I stopped caring.
At this point in life, I'm probably used to feeling disappointment because it happens so often. The mental stress from last year killed me. I don't want to love the way I feel about this guy that I like.
Maybe it's because I don't want to love.
Or maybe I'm denying it. Maybe I want to love but I'm scared to openly admit it because I don't want to get hurt again.
It'll be difficult for me to open up again.
I'm a whole mess of emotions now. Trump is president. I'm really tired but there's so much that I have to do and all my unfinished tasks and I don't want to disappoint my dance team because I'm co-coordinator and I'm tearing up now.
See, I'm stressing out. This is good. Not for my acne though lol.
But I want to love someone without having the fear of feeling disappointment. I know that there are other ways to love but I'm scared.
I'm frustrated and terrified and scared that my fear to love someone and to be disappointed in the end will take over me and I'll stop caring.
I feel so empty inside. I miss that passion I feel when I care about something or someone.
I feel as if I'm not myself.
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