Maybe...

I don't know why. But I stopped caring about a lot of things. It's strange. I do have goals in life. I want to become a surgeon because I want to do more to help people. I want to help save lives. But as a surgeon, it's a matter of life or death. I'm not even terrified about the fact that I failed a majority of my midterms the past two months and the semester ending soon.

I want to stress out about homework. I want to stress out about failing my classes. I want to stress out about turning in my essays and projects late and unfinished. I want to stress out about something.

But I can't. Because I stopped caring. I want to but I can't and it frustrates me so much.

I stopped caring about so many things that should be important to me but I somehow can't panic or stress about them.

Maybe the amount stress from the first semester of my senior year in high school was so much, it lead me to stop caring about a lot of things.

Maybe it was the stress from my boy problem the second semester of senior year in high school. I didn't sleep or eat well at that time and it was honestly a traumatic experience.

Maybe because I gave up on love because it gave up on me. Not through family or friends but with people that I liked and the guy I have feelings for now. Because I don't want to love, I stopped caring.

At this point in life, I'm probably used to feeling disappointment because it happens so often. The mental stress from last year killed me. I don't want to love the way I feel about this guy that I like.

Maybe it's because I don't want to love.

Or maybe I'm denying it. Maybe I want to love but I'm scared to openly admit it because I don't want to get hurt again.

It'll be difficult for me to open up again.

I'm a whole mess of emotions now. Trump is president. I'm really tired but there's so much that I have to do and all my unfinished tasks and I don't want to disappoint my dance team because I'm co-coordinator and I'm tearing up now.

See, I'm stressing out. This is good. Not for my acne though lol.

But I want to love someone without having the fear of feeling disappointment. I know that there are other ways to love but I'm scared.

I'm frustrated and terrified and scared that my fear to love someone and to be disappointed in the end will take over me and I'll stop caring.

I feel so empty inside. I miss that passion I feel when I care about something or someone.

I feel as if I'm not myself.