#1: Before, during, and after I read this thing, I feel anxious. I don't know why. Whenever I read it, I get scared. I try to rationalize my thoughts but somehow, I end up making myself feel really shitty. As if there's going to be distance, awkwardness, and a wall between us.
#2: I feel like me in his life now is a constant and hurtful reminder of what happened in the past. Because of our history, it's what he thinks about when he sees, talks to, and hears me. It's as if I'm the hidden friend or the black sheep among his other perfect and pure white sheep. What happened has done a lot of damage and I can't help but feel like he's ashamed to to say anything about me because there's nothing good to say. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude after everything but I'm human. I get insecure and anxious about the unknown of what'll happen to us in the future. I can't help but compare myself to his other friends because I have this perfect image of them whenever he talks about them and then there's me. A physical reminder of what happened. Someone that cannot live up to a expectation of who deserves to be his friend.
And then it reminds me of what happened and what I felt: Jealousy.
"I'm not pretty like her."
"I'm not smart like her."
"I'm not talented like her."
"I want to know why she's so special to him because I want to be."
But then again, there are some things best left unsaid.
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