Hello there 2017.

2017 is off to a good start. Well, for me. Is karma compensating for shitty 2016? I dunno. Maybe...

It's ok...

I want to type out all of these bad thoughts, hoping that things will be better for me. But realistically, it won't.

What if he forgot that I wanted to hang out with him because he's so busy? And then when he goes back to college, he'll tell me that he's sorry for forgetting. And then I'll tell him that it's ok because he's busy.

It's ok. I'm not worth anyone's time anyway.

He'll think that it's weird that I really want to spend time with him and not other people. Well I mean, he goes to school out-of-state. So I can't really hangout with him. Almost all of my friends are in California so I can schedule a day to hang out with them any day of the weekend if they have some time. With him, it's every break but right now, I think the last time I saw him is the last time I'll ever see him.

It's ok... I guess...

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Am I greedy for wanting to spend time with him? Is it weird? I dunno...Whatever. I won't be able to anyway and it's not like he'll ever read these posts. He probably forgot about my blog anyway.

Conflicting Personality

I think that walking in the morning and the afternoon helps with my depression. I dunno... something about the sun makes me feel happier. But that doesn't really help because at night, it comes back.

I feel like I'm gonna get a sore throat later on.

I'm afraid that the more I spill out my depressing thoughts on this blog, the more depressed I'll be because I don't have anyone to talk to about them. I'm too depressing of a person.

I don't think I'll be able to hang out with my friend anymore. He's too busy so yeah... I really wanted to hang out with him because I really miss him but he's busy... It's fine... He said that we can hang out sometime this week but I honestly don't think he will...

It's ok. He has better things to do anyway.

Something about this blog also gives me comfort but in a depressing way because it's the only way I can vent. There's only one person right now that knows that I'm depressed af.

There are some days where I be someone that's happy-go-lucky. Then some days I feel lonely and depressed. But I noticed that when I'm with people, I feel cheerful. When I'm alone at night, I feel lonely and depressed. Am I crazy? I don't know... It's weird to me that I can be someone that be so happy around people but by myself, I can be so depressing, it even scares me. It's as if my personality changes drastically when I'm with someone or a group of people.

Lonely Holidays

The holidays feel lonelier and lonelier as I get older. Maybe I should've stayed in San Francisco. At least I'd be feeling lonely on my own than being lonely with a group of people. I don't know... feeling lonely by yourself feels better than feeling with a group of people. With a group of people, you feel out of place, as if you don't belong. 

I think this blog is mainly for my dark thoughts. Mainly. It's been pretty dark lately and I guess it fits in with the black and white aesthetic of my blog. I'm not so sure about the white part or the "good vibes". Not many good vibes lately.

I don't think I'll be able to hang out with my friend from Utah. I really miss him (I still need to wrap his gift and write his letter) but he's been busy lately so I'm not sure that we'll be able to see each other. 

It's ok. He came to visit to relax and be happy instead of doing depressing stuff like hang out with me. If anything, we can talk and hang out the next time he visits....

Whatever... He has better things to do than hang out with me. 

It's easier said than done.

You can tell me to think positively but it's so hard to force yourself. Especially when it's difficult to convince yourself when you're so used to thinking negatively and life has been going downhill lately. It's really easy for me to go back to my depressed self since I'm really emotional and I overthink easily, especially when things happen that I have no control over.

My headache is gone but I think it's gonna come back later.

I'm still apologetic to my friend. I'm really sorry that I put you in a depressing mood. I really am. I feel bad for putting you in a bad mood when you wanted to be happy. I'm sorry.

It does bad things to you.

** This post contains topics about suicide and depression. **

It's been getting worse lately. The more time I spend in the city, the more lonely I feel. I just cried about 30 minutes ago, thinking about how scared I am to tell people how lonely I am right now. There were these thoughts and then it got worse like suicidal-thoughts worse. I had a feeling I was getting depressed again because of this lonely feeling but it's been getting worse. On top of that, my grades are shit as you can tell by the previous post. I feel like this blog is the only way for me to vent because I feel bad for venting to others. Yeah, people tell me that they don't find it annoying when I vent but I still feel bad because of how emotional I get. 

I really hate it when people think that suicide is a selfish action. It's just... the way I think of it since I've thought about it before, people that are suicidal think that without their existence, then life would be better for others. Or it could be that life in their perspective is so overwhelming, frustrating, and depressing, suicide is their only option to stop it because they're too scared to ask for help. 

I'm sorry to my friend for being a pessimistic ass. Times have been difficult for me lately. I'm sorry for ruining your happy mood. I just think that I always bother you and yeah... 

It was bad. I was listening to Awake by BTS's Jin and all the thoughts blew up into something scary and dark. I'm always going to be lonely no matter what. And by that I mean the feeling of loneliness. People come and go and no one ever stays. No one ever will want to put in the effort to keep you in their lives. I tried and it's difficult and hurts a lot, especially if the people you want to keep in your life don't want to stay. 

It sucks when you're scared to ask for help when you're depressed. I don't want to bother anyone else with my problems so I might as well keep it to myself so that I won't make others feel depressed. I'm sorry if I did that to some people. I know I did to one person and again, I'm sorry. 

It's scary to think about how I would commit suicide again. But, I promised myself that I would never kill myself back then when I got over being depressed for four years for a bit. Suicide is too far for me. I don't cut myself because it'll leave scars and people will be able to see them. Instead, I bruise myself by punching myself in the arms or legs. I could just say that I fell or I accidentally hit something. But when that suicidal scenario came up, I pictured myself up on the rooftop of my apartment building crying. Then I went to my bed and slit my right wrist vertically and let the blood drip until I felt dizzy and was unconscious. One of my roommates would find me with a significant amount of blood loss with the pool of blood that stained my clothes and blankets and then I'd end up waking up in a hospital. Then my dad goes up to me and says that I'm crazy for doing that and that hospital bills are going to be hard to pay for. That'd hurt me so much if he ever did that but in that scenario, I looked for something sharp like a scalpel and stabbed my chest with it. Yeah... it's dark and depressing. 

Loneliness does bad things to you. 

Much thanks to Life for the early Christmas gift.

I found out that my gpa is a 2.26. Yikes. Time to be a stripper and lowkey give up on my future.

I dunno. I feel like I've been getting more and more depressed ever since I started college. Or it could be that I'm not smart.

And now there's friend drama with a close friend of mine and it's slowly getting heated. And I don't know if we're gonna talk again because of my pessimistic ass right now.

Thanks a lot life. I'm feeling the holiday spirit.