It does bad things to you.

** This post contains topics about suicide and depression. **

It's been getting worse lately. The more time I spend in the city, the more lonely I feel. I just cried about 30 minutes ago, thinking about how scared I am to tell people how lonely I am right now. There were these thoughts and then it got worse like suicidal-thoughts worse. I had a feeling I was getting depressed again because of this lonely feeling but it's been getting worse. On top of that, my grades are shit as you can tell by the previous post. I feel like this blog is the only way for me to vent because I feel bad for venting to others. Yeah, people tell me that they don't find it annoying when I vent but I still feel bad because of how emotional I get. 

I really hate it when people think that suicide is a selfish action. It's just... the way I think of it since I've thought about it before, people that are suicidal think that without their existence, then life would be better for others. Or it could be that life in their perspective is so overwhelming, frustrating, and depressing, suicide is their only option to stop it because they're too scared to ask for help. 

I'm sorry to my friend for being a pessimistic ass. Times have been difficult for me lately. I'm sorry for ruining your happy mood. I just think that I always bother you and yeah... 

It was bad. I was listening to Awake by BTS's Jin and all the thoughts blew up into something scary and dark. I'm always going to be lonely no matter what. And by that I mean the feeling of loneliness. People come and go and no one ever stays. No one ever will want to put in the effort to keep you in their lives. I tried and it's difficult and hurts a lot, especially if the people you want to keep in your life don't want to stay. 

It sucks when you're scared to ask for help when you're depressed. I don't want to bother anyone else with my problems so I might as well keep it to myself so that I won't make others feel depressed. I'm sorry if I did that to some people. I know I did to one person and again, I'm sorry. 

It's scary to think about how I would commit suicide again. But, I promised myself that I would never kill myself back then when I got over being depressed for four years for a bit. Suicide is too far for me. I don't cut myself because it'll leave scars and people will be able to see them. Instead, I bruise myself by punching myself in the arms or legs. I could just say that I fell or I accidentally hit something. But when that suicidal scenario came up, I pictured myself up on the rooftop of my apartment building crying. Then I went to my bed and slit my right wrist vertically and let the blood drip until I felt dizzy and was unconscious. One of my roommates would find me with a significant amount of blood loss with the pool of blood that stained my clothes and blankets and then I'd end up waking up in a hospital. Then my dad goes up to me and says that I'm crazy for doing that and that hospital bills are going to be hard to pay for. That'd hurt me so much if he ever did that but in that scenario, I looked for something sharp like a scalpel and stabbed my chest with it. Yeah... it's dark and depressing. 

Loneliness does bad things to you.