I'm not pretty. I'm not smart. I guess I'm funny, but don't compliment me.

I always compare myself. It's a bad habit I've formed over time. And uh... I guess it's slowly dying out. But it lingers on and on and on...

I stopped caring about my physical appearance and therefore, I stopped comparing my physical appearance with others. Over time, I convinced myself that I'm not good-looking, pretty, or all that stuff. Out of all my friend groups, I'm the "ugly" or "less-than-decent" looking person but I still have my inappropriate humor to hold onto. I guess it's nice. I stopped caring about how others see my bare-pimply-acne-scarred face. I mean, it's not like people haven't seen a pimple before so whatever. 

The one trait I really care about is being smart. I get praised for my grades and academic achievements more than my face. So I guess I just want to focus more on what's a more positive trait for me than a negative one. I can't help it but compare myself to my friends and my friends' friends. Well, some of my friends are over-achievers so that doesn't help a lot. I have this way of thinking where if you're a really smart person, you're perfect. It's weird. It's bad. I know. I know there are different types of intelligence and not everyone is good at everything but when some people describe others, it's as if they can do everything perfectly well and it kills my self-esteem. Like to the point where I need to lie down on my bed and nap it off for a bit. 

(I haven't been in a good mood lately because I'm sick, have a late af midterm I need to start writing, and went through an emotional experience where I kinda don't like hamsters anymore even though I own one.) 

I don't know if this relates to the topic but the points I made earlier kinda go into why I can't take compliments from guys seriously. Plus my previous experiences with assholes and catcallers add on to this. If a guy called me pretty, I won't take it seriously. Like dude, I know I'm ugly af. I know you're lying and just playing with me for the sake of your boredom. If a guy calls me smart, I'll refer back to those other smarter girls I know or heard about and won't take it seriously. Compliments from guys make me feel VERY uncomfortable. Like can they just not? I know that there are other better-looking, smarter, and more talented girls out there. Millions of them. So cut the bullshit dude. 

There's that but I low-key really want a guy to call me beautiful. I dunno it just sounds more genuine of a compliment. But not by saying it randomly. It has to be at the right moment. I dunno what kind of moments though lol. I've been single my entire life so all that romantic stuff is foreign to me. 

But whatever. It won't happen to me anyway. No point in thinking it'll ever be a thing in my life.

Let's not fall in love again. Ok? Good.

I need a break from studying physiology. I'm getting kinda sick of it lol. But waow I'm gonna talk about a topic I really hate talking about.

Love. Ew. It makes me cringe just thinking about the word.

I think I made a post last year on how I feel about that particular "thing". Eh. It's cringy and corny. Yeah it makes me feel uncomfortable. I have my reasons why I react that way towards love: 1. Past experiences with liking people led to me giving up on myself. 2. It's a fucking distraction. (Well for me...)

Life is complicated and unfair. But then again, it gives you what you need, not what you want. (I'll let you think about your life with those previous sentences.)

Ok, to clear up things, I don't like romantic love. The other kinds like parental, sibling, and friendly love, I'm perfectly fine with. But that particular one makes me want to gag out acid. My past experiences liking guys ended up with disappointment and some other life experiences that made me fear it. Yah know, cheating on your significant other because you're tired of them and want something exciting in your love life. It's been so common around me, sometimes I doubt my friendship with my closest friends. I'm scared that I'll be vulnerable enough to really trust someone and then having that person take advantage of me or leaving me behind as if I'm a worn-out lover or a useless toy to throw out later on when he's bored with me. Plus it's distracting af. I have better things to do than think about one specific person that toys with my actions and emotions. It's emotionally tiring and I hate being emotionally tired. I'm already an emotional person, so having an overload of emotions will make me go crazy. For example, in this scenario, I have finals but something bad happened between me and this guy I have a crush on. But because I'm an emotional person, I can't ignore the overwhelming emotions I'm experiencing at the moment which means I'm gonna get distracted. Getting distracted by an asshole that doesn't give a fuck about you? That's a really shitty reason why you can't get your shit together.

But it happens. And sometimes you have to deal with it.

My life playlist

This playlist was an assignment I had to do for my Asian American Studies class. I hope you enjoy this lol. It was pretty difficult for me to explain why these songs represent this moment in my life but overall, it was interesting...

...an old version of you:

Pink - Fuckin' Perfect

If you compared the old version of myself to who I am right now, the old Melissa wouldn't believe that I'd be a completely different person in the future. I used to be a shy and quiet person with a very low self-esteem. I was that kind of person to always take the blame even if it wasn't my fault. I didn't have many close friends because I would constantly worry about accidentally doing stupid in front of people. I often felt lonely because I thought that I didn't belong at school or at home. At home, my dad would constantly compare me to my older cousin because she did more extracurricular activities and had better grades than me. Eventually I became depressed and suicidal for a few years. I turned to music as my escape from the harsh reality of life because I was able to relate to the lyrics of songs or the feeling of the music. Music was the only thing that understood me and brought me comfort during those times. Fucking Perfect is one of the songs I listened to often during that time of my life.

...your best memory in middle school:

Taeyang - Only Look At Me

K-pop changed my life. It helped me become a better person which is the person I am today. I used to be very shy back then and I would have a difficult time meeting new people. Someone on my 8th grade basketball team introduced me to K-pop and I slowly became a different person, someone I would be proud of. The person that introduced me to K-pop also helped me through my depression and I'm always thankful for her introducing me and in a way, saving my life. She wrote me lists of K-pop songs I should listen to and I still have those papers with me today. Only Look At Me is one of the songs from the lists she wrote for me. I made new friends through K-pop as a way to start a conversation with people and some of those people are now my closest best friends.

...a time of joy:

Fiestar - One More

This song reminds me of all the amazing memories I had with my high school K-pop dance team, KDT. One More is one of the songs I performed with KDT and was my favorite song to perform in some of the events we did. Because I was new in the K-pop fandom, I decided to join a K-pop club to make new friends in a school where I didn't know anyone. After a few practices, performances, and social events, I noticed how much I've changed while spending time with KDT. I became more confident, social, and accepting of who I am.

...a time you forgave someone who wronged you:

Coldplay - The Scientist

I have a complicated relationship with the person that wronged me. To make things short, less complicated, and straightforward, one of my best friends used me for his physical needs. I liked him at first, then he lead me on, found out that he liked another girl, and he still continued to do things with me that made our situation even worse. A few months went by over the summer and I hated him. All of a sudden, he came over to my house to apologize to me. I thought about how much courage it took for him to apologize to me and how he wanted to tell me face to face instead of over a text. After a few talks, I forgave him. He truly felt sorry for what he did. I chose The Scientist because he was the one that introduce me to Coldplay and a few songs by them. I listen to this song when I recall the moments of what he did to me.

...someone you love:

Coldplay - Sparks

The person I love is the same person I forgave. Sparks is one of his favorite Coldplay songs. After becoming friends again during my first year of college, we've had some difficulty building up trust. But during that time, we've learned a lot about who we are as a person from our past mistakes. He was one of the people there for me when I had emotional breakdowns. I've become physically, emotionally, and spiritually comfortable around him. I chose to forgive him because I was hoping that we would be able to fix our friendship even though it was broken for a while. Eventually, the broken pieces from our broken friendship in the past became something beautiful today, like a colorful mosaic.

Fall 2017: A Brand new start

Wow it's been a while since I've posted something. Life has been pretty busy lately. I've been studying more often, going back to my hometown for dentist and driving appointments every other weekend, keeping up with dance practices, and hanging out with friends whenever I can.

Mmm not much on my mind lately... I haven't been stressing out. Well, there was this one time I was about to but I didn't. That's good.

There is this one thing that's uh... there.
.
.
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I need a hug.

Quick post because I still have a lot of reading to catch up on plus a research paper due tomorrow. Yikes.

I just took a shower and I still feel pretty awake. That's good because I could catch up on reading but then bad because I need sleep. I could buy sleeping pills because I know that'll help me a lot in the future but eh. I'll tire myself to sleep. I'll try to be productive like typing out this post.

One of my best friends is leaving soon for a mission in the Philippines. Mmm... I've thought about it here and there. I'll miss him a lot. I find it interesting that we met in high school but to me, we got closer during out first year of college. Shit happened, it was complicated lol. But yeah. I mean, we both learned from each other, had our ups and downs in our friendship, but overcame those obstacles. The one thing I learned from our friendship is how important communication and honesty is. Like damn, it solves a lot of problems. Especially if you're someone with a low self-esteem sometimes and have very bad mood swings before your period (me). Oh yeah and understanding the other person. At least giving an effort to understand.

The plushie he gave me reminds me of him a bit, squishy and brown. Cute too lol. At least I have Potato by me if I ever have those random feelings of nostalgia. Some phone calls, texts, late night memories, and those nice hugs.

I hope he doesn't forget about me.

Curious and adventurous. Just like Alice.

I've been fascinated with Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and realized I'm like Alice. I have a childlike curiosity and a desire to explore the world.

I love to learn. My curiosity can come off as childlike because I ask questions as if I'm a kid in elementary school. It comes off sounding kinda stupid and it makes me look like an airhead at times. But it's pure curiosity. I want to know because whatever I'm asking about either interests or fascinates me. Sometimes my questions come out of nowhere, sometimes they come out after thinking about it for a while, and sometimes they come one after another. I can spend hours talking to someone about a weird topic if the person is willing to talk about it or can keep up a conversation with me. I guess I can say I'm pretty open-minded but I still have my biases. Nevertheless, I'm still willing to learn. Talk to me about your occupation, religion, political stances (I'm biased to being liberal af LOL), something you love, or your life lessons. Teach me about something that I have no clue about. If you're willing to give me a piece of your life, then I'll share a part of mine with you. Isn't that how we make connections and relationships with people? Giving a part of ourselves to others.

I have very protective parents when it comes to me going outside anywhere. Of course they're worried about me getting kidnapped, raped, robbed, or anything that'd have me end up in the hospital or jail. I wasn't allowed to walk around my quiet suburban neighborhood by myself when I was younger because there were a few creepy stalkers around outside the area I lived and sometimes they drove in my neighborhood. Once I was allowed to go somewhere by myself like walk to grocery store to buy juice, I loved every moment I had to myself. I didn't have to watch over someone. I walked at my own pace. It was just me, my thoughts, and the world. Going somewhere by myself gave me the time to think in peace. The more time I spent running errands by myself, I wanted or more like desired to explore more and more of the world. Seeing and experiencing new things help me see life realistically. There's so much people don't know about life... If only they took the time to stop and observe. That's what I do on my adventures. I observe, remember, and learn. 

Coming to San Francisco for college is a big step for me. It has a completely different vibe and lifestyle compared to living in a suburban area for a majority of my life. Someday I'll get the chance to live in a different state and maybe in a different country. 

The world is my Wonderland and I'm Alice, questioning and observing the unknown around me.

Missed Opportunities

I'm kinda nauseous, kinda tired, my tummy hurts and I have a slight headache. But eh. I've been procrastinating this blog for a while LOL I mean, I have a few drafts saved right now haha. But when I feel like posting them, I'll post them. Anyway, I've been pondering about this for a bit. It comes up occasionally but it doesn't bother me which is good, considering all the other things that bother me... heh.

Do you ever have those moments to yourself when you think, "Man, I should've...". Yeah, those kind of regrets. I've had my share of regrets or missed opportunities, some of them with multiple chances. Sometimes you miss those opportunities because you change your mind about something, sometimes because you're too scared to take the chance in the moment, or because you do it on purpose. Like wanting to change majors, deciding if you should kiss that boy or not before you two won't see each other in a while, or not buying that one bottle of perfume that's on sale for 60% off because it's not necessary to buy it right now even though sales like that come up once in a while.

Right now, there's probably a chance in the future to do it but I'll be to scared to take it in the moment. I want to do it but I'm scared of doing something wrong, if anything unexpected shows up, or if it changes everything. What if I'll mess up everything, even after going through so much?

God help me. I have no idea what to do about this. Ughhhhh.