I stopped caring about my physical appearance and therefore, I stopped comparing my physical appearance with others. Over time, I convinced myself that I'm not good-looking, pretty, or all that stuff. Out of all my friend groups, I'm the "ugly" or "less-than-decent" looking person but I still have my inappropriate humor to hold onto. I guess it's nice. I stopped caring about how others see my bare-pimply-acne-scarred face. I mean, it's not like people haven't seen a pimple before so whatever.
The one trait I really care about is being smart. I get praised for my grades and academic achievements more than my face. So I guess I just want to focus more on what's a more positive trait for me than a negative one. I can't help it but compare myself to my friends and my friends' friends. Well, some of my friends are over-achievers so that doesn't help a lot. I have this way of thinking where if you're a really smart person, you're perfect. It's weird. It's bad. I know. I know there are different types of intelligence and not everyone is good at everything but when some people describe others, it's as if they can do everything perfectly well and it kills my self-esteem. Like to the point where I need to lie down on my bed and nap it off for a bit.
(I haven't been in a good mood lately because I'm sick, have a late af midterm I need to start writing, and went through an emotional experience where I kinda don't like hamsters anymore even though I own one.)
I don't know if this relates to the topic but the points I made earlier kinda go into why I can't take compliments from guys seriously. Plus my previous experiences with assholes and catcallers add on to this. If a guy called me pretty, I won't take it seriously. Like dude, I know I'm ugly af. I know you're lying and just playing with me for the sake of your boredom. If a guy calls me smart, I'll refer back to those other smarter girls I know or heard about and won't take it seriously. Compliments from guys make me feel VERY uncomfortable. Like can they just not? I know that there are other better-looking, smarter, and more talented girls out there. Millions of them. So cut the bullshit dude.
There's that but I low-key really want a guy to call me beautiful. I dunno it just sounds more genuine of a compliment. But not by saying it randomly. It has to be at the right moment. I dunno what kind of moments though lol. I've been single my entire life so all that romantic stuff is foreign to me.
But whatever. It won't happen to me anyway. No point in thinking it'll ever be a thing in my life.
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