It's ok...

I want to type out all of these bad thoughts, hoping that things will be better for me. But realistically, it won't.

What if he forgot that I wanted to hang out with him because he's so busy? And then when he goes back to college, he'll tell me that he's sorry for forgetting. And then I'll tell him that it's ok because he's busy.

It's ok. I'm not worth anyone's time anyway.

He'll think that it's weird that I really want to spend time with him and not other people. Well I mean, he goes to school out-of-state. So I can't really hangout with him. Almost all of my friends are in California so I can schedule a day to hang out with them any day of the weekend if they have some time. With him, it's every break but right now, I think the last time I saw him is the last time I'll ever see him.

It's ok... I guess...

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Am I greedy for wanting to spend time with him? Is it weird? I dunno...Whatever. I won't be able to anyway and it's not like he'll ever read these posts. He probably forgot about my blog anyway.

Conflicting Personality

I think that walking in the morning and the afternoon helps with my depression. I dunno... something about the sun makes me feel happier. But that doesn't really help because at night, it comes back.

I feel like I'm gonna get a sore throat later on.

I'm afraid that the more I spill out my depressing thoughts on this blog, the more depressed I'll be because I don't have anyone to talk to about them. I'm too depressing of a person.

I don't think I'll be able to hang out with my friend anymore. He's too busy so yeah... I really wanted to hang out with him because I really miss him but he's busy... It's fine... He said that we can hang out sometime this week but I honestly don't think he will...

It's ok. He has better things to do anyway.

Something about this blog also gives me comfort but in a depressing way because it's the only way I can vent. There's only one person right now that knows that I'm depressed af.

There are some days where I be someone that's happy-go-lucky. Then some days I feel lonely and depressed. But I noticed that when I'm with people, I feel cheerful. When I'm alone at night, I feel lonely and depressed. Am I crazy? I don't know... It's weird to me that I can be someone that be so happy around people but by myself, I can be so depressing, it even scares me. It's as if my personality changes drastically when I'm with someone or a group of people.

Lonely Holidays

The holidays feel lonelier and lonelier as I get older. Maybe I should've stayed in San Francisco. At least I'd be feeling lonely on my own than being lonely with a group of people. I don't know... feeling lonely by yourself feels better than feeling with a group of people. With a group of people, you feel out of place, as if you don't belong. 

I think this blog is mainly for my dark thoughts. Mainly. It's been pretty dark lately and I guess it fits in with the black and white aesthetic of my blog. I'm not so sure about the white part or the "good vibes". Not many good vibes lately.

I don't think I'll be able to hang out with my friend from Utah. I really miss him (I still need to wrap his gift and write his letter) but he's been busy lately so I'm not sure that we'll be able to see each other. 

It's ok. He came to visit to relax and be happy instead of doing depressing stuff like hang out with me. If anything, we can talk and hang out the next time he visits....

Whatever... He has better things to do than hang out with me. 

It's easier said than done.

You can tell me to think positively but it's so hard to force yourself. Especially when it's difficult to convince yourself when you're so used to thinking negatively and life has been going downhill lately. It's really easy for me to go back to my depressed self since I'm really emotional and I overthink easily, especially when things happen that I have no control over.

My headache is gone but I think it's gonna come back later.

I'm still apologetic to my friend. I'm really sorry that I put you in a depressing mood. I really am. I feel bad for putting you in a bad mood when you wanted to be happy. I'm sorry.

It does bad things to you.

** This post contains topics about suicide and depression. **

It's been getting worse lately. The more time I spend in the city, the more lonely I feel. I just cried about 30 minutes ago, thinking about how scared I am to tell people how lonely I am right now. There were these thoughts and then it got worse like suicidal-thoughts worse. I had a feeling I was getting depressed again because of this lonely feeling but it's been getting worse. On top of that, my grades are shit as you can tell by the previous post. I feel like this blog is the only way for me to vent because I feel bad for venting to others. Yeah, people tell me that they don't find it annoying when I vent but I still feel bad because of how emotional I get. 

I really hate it when people think that suicide is a selfish action. It's just... the way I think of it since I've thought about it before, people that are suicidal think that without their existence, then life would be better for others. Or it could be that life in their perspective is so overwhelming, frustrating, and depressing, suicide is their only option to stop it because they're too scared to ask for help. 

I'm sorry to my friend for being a pessimistic ass. Times have been difficult for me lately. I'm sorry for ruining your happy mood. I just think that I always bother you and yeah... 

It was bad. I was listening to Awake by BTS's Jin and all the thoughts blew up into something scary and dark. I'm always going to be lonely no matter what. And by that I mean the feeling of loneliness. People come and go and no one ever stays. No one ever will want to put in the effort to keep you in their lives. I tried and it's difficult and hurts a lot, especially if the people you want to keep in your life don't want to stay. 

It sucks when you're scared to ask for help when you're depressed. I don't want to bother anyone else with my problems so I might as well keep it to myself so that I won't make others feel depressed. I'm sorry if I did that to some people. I know I did to one person and again, I'm sorry. 

It's scary to think about how I would commit suicide again. But, I promised myself that I would never kill myself back then when I got over being depressed for four years for a bit. Suicide is too far for me. I don't cut myself because it'll leave scars and people will be able to see them. Instead, I bruise myself by punching myself in the arms or legs. I could just say that I fell or I accidentally hit something. But when that suicidal scenario came up, I pictured myself up on the rooftop of my apartment building crying. Then I went to my bed and slit my right wrist vertically and let the blood drip until I felt dizzy and was unconscious. One of my roommates would find me with a significant amount of blood loss with the pool of blood that stained my clothes and blankets and then I'd end up waking up in a hospital. Then my dad goes up to me and says that I'm crazy for doing that and that hospital bills are going to be hard to pay for. That'd hurt me so much if he ever did that but in that scenario, I looked for something sharp like a scalpel and stabbed my chest with it. Yeah... it's dark and depressing. 

Loneliness does bad things to you. 

Much thanks to Life for the early Christmas gift.

I found out that my gpa is a 2.26. Yikes. Time to be a stripper and lowkey give up on my future.

I dunno. I feel like I've been getting more and more depressed ever since I started college. Or it could be that I'm not smart.

And now there's friend drama with a close friend of mine and it's slowly getting heated. And I don't know if we're gonna talk again because of my pessimistic ass right now.

Thanks a lot life. I'm feeling the holiday spirit. 

College. You learn a lot about yourself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dnc5gubAtHU

This video really got to me. I mean, I have accepted myself for who I am and it made me a happier person. I felt as peace with myself. But somehow it just got to me and it made me think about the things in my life that still hurt me. I've been in bad vibes lately.

I am terrified about how successful I'll be in the future. I'm failing two classes because I was struggling to keep up with those classes and History, English, and Microbio as my priorities. History and English, I'm really good with words and analyzing things. Microbio, I'm really interested in medical terminology. That's why I was considering becoming a doctor after I found out how fascinated I am with medicine. The human body is amazing. Even today, we still don't know everything about it. There's so much to discover, help people, and makes their lives better. I want to be someone that can change their lives for the best. With a physical and or mental illness, it can change your life temporarily or permanently. Sometimes in a life or death situation. I want to help give people hope about life. The idea that doctors also have this god-like figure to them. You have the power to heal but also have the knowledge of how to kill. To me, that's amazing.  Now, my purpose of becoming a doctor isn't to have that god-like image. Or honestly, the purpose of being a doctor is to protect the life of a human being health-wise which is something that everyone needs in my perspective. Your health is what keeps you alive to experience life and its meaning to how you interpret it.
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Wow. I can't believe I found it. My purpose in life.
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Anyway, that's why I want to be a doctor. Back to why I'm scared of my future.

So my family has a strong background in the medical field. My uncles, aunts, and cousins, are doctors, surgeons, nurses, pharmacists and dentists. I guess being in the medical field runs in my blood. I honestly want to be in the medical field. It's just that everyone has been through and is going through education so quickly, I feel the need to take as many classes as I can get and finish school as fast as possible. I thought that I could handle all that but I can't. I'm not good with stress, especially since I'm an emotional person. Stress is difficult for me to deal with and I don't have a lot of time to actually destress because I either spend my time eating, studying, or sleeping. Most of the time I sleep because I can't function without sleep. I can pull only one all-nighter and then I spend the next day recovering by sleeping. My diet sucks too. I'm a broke-ass college student. I buy a hugeass box of nachos for $8 and it can feed me for a whole day and I buy that pretty often. That's how bad my diet is and my face has been breaking out because of that. Also, my eczema has been pretty bad the days I'm on the verge of breaking down and crying. Some days I do. It's relieving afterwards but I also feel so tired from crying so much. The eczema I have is hereditary and I got it from my dad. It flares up if I eat a lot of chocolate or if I'm really stressed about something so then I use this strong steroid cream to kill the itch feeling. I'm really self-conscious about my hands because they're so scarred from my eczema. I mean there is the option to not itch obviously but it's a really strong urge if you have it.

The pressure from my medical-focused family and my dad especially stress me out. My dad is the main reason why I just feel like shit at times. It's a parent thing where they just compare you to people that are just better than you and then you end up like complete shit. That's a major reason why I chose to go to SFSU than SJSU that's actually closer to my hometown. I couldn't handle anymore of my dad restricting me and telling me what he thinks is best for me instead of letting me do what I think is best for me. And sometimes his last-minute plans are the reason why I have to stay up late and then feel like a rotting potato the next day. Sometimes, he takes me to events where it's like there's no purpose in me going. It's so frustrating.

Back to the comparing thing parents do, my dad keeps comparing me to my cousin that goes to UC Berkeley. Yeup Berkeley. I love my cousin. She's my favorite cousin and I never felt any hate towards her even when my dad would constantly compare me to her. Because honestly, my dad just exaggerates how "perfect" she is. I told her about how my dad compared me to her and she said that her mom (my aunt) also does the same even though she's an only child. She would be compared to her friends and it mentally messed her up. So we both understood each other and I finally saw the dark side of my "perfect" cousin that graduated in the top 5% of her class in high school.

Also, money. I feel terrible about the fact that I'm wasting my parents' money and to end up with me failing two of my classes my first semester. Honestly, I didn't know my limits till now. I guess it's better that I know my limits now than later. I'm surprised I didn't realize it in high school. With my most difficult classes like AP and honors classes, I barely passed them (well I was going through some emotional stuff too so that added on to the stuff I dealt with). I guess I was too ambitious and I thought that I could handle it but it's honestly a lot for me. Now, I know how much I can deal with. If you can handle 5 or more classes, then #1 Wow that's amazing. and #2 How are you not dead yet? Maybe you had to give up multiple aspects of life such as sleep and or a social life but you do you boo. Just don't end up in the hospital because you lost consciousness from a lack of sleep and a poor diet. Hospital bills are expensive af plus education these days is too.

Some days I feel like a bad friend. Bothering people with how needy I am and my emotions. At times I'm scared to vent because I'm worried that they're annoyed with me. That's how I felt when I was really depressed back then.

There are those days when I feel like I'm falling back in depression. I don't know. I'm just not good with emotional stress. I can't keep those emotions in the back of my head. It's so overwhelming, I wish I could stop feeling emotions. It could help me focus on my academics.

Well it's been a long thought-provoking night. I hope the nails on my left hand are dry because I just coated them with a lot of clear coat. I have church at 10AM and I hope I make it on time. I noticed that I digress a lot but that's ok. It's good to get your thoughts out, especially for me since I have a lot of them. I overthink. I really hate it. But it's who I am so that's that.