I did it! First day of counseling!

I got counseling for the first time today! It wasn't much since it's only the first day but I'm really happy I got enough courage to go through the process.

I was pretty nervous while I was filling out the paperwork because once I signed the papers, there was no turning back on this. When I was called up and followed the counselor, I felt even more nervous and emotional. Once I started talking about the gist of my depression, I felt like crying just a few minutes into the conversation. The counselor started asking simple questions about my depression and I couldn't help but start tearing up. It was pretty difficult at first because I was trying to keep my composure so I could talk more instead of crying most of the time. Then things calmed down after she talked to me about everything.

She told me not to give up on my dream and that there are other way for me to achieve it. What she found saddening was that I was giving up at a young age. I'm 19 right now and there are plenty of med school students that finished in their late 20s and early 40s. That gives me a little bit of hope.

We ended things off on a positive note. She told me to think about a way to cope with my depression and to find something that gives my life meaning or something I look forward to in life. I perform and dance with my friends in the dance team as a way to cope with it. I really don't know what gives my life meaning. I never really thought about it until today. I guess missing out on significant life moments pushes me to carry on so I can experience them. For example, I never knew I would get my first kiss, go on a date, or cuddle with someone back then. Here I am now saying that I have experienced those moments and they're even more important since I experienced them with someone special. He means a lot to me and I'm happy he was the one I had my "firsts" with.

Then I was told that I'd be moving to a different counseling place because the one I went to today is only for short-term counseling. I've had depression for nine years so I need to move where long-term counseling is provided. At the counseling place I'll be going to tomorrow, I'll have weekly appointments and the counselor I had today will be getting updates about my progress and have a follow up appointment to see how I'm doing with therapy.

I'm proud of myself for taking this first step into therapy. I'm looking forward to the weekly appointments and getting better someday :)

Curing and not coping

I didn't know I've been coping with it. I thought that I was cured but then sometimes I would feel it coming back. I've decided to get counseling for my depression.

I made the decision over break. An emotional event occurred during break and I told a relative about it. He said that it's pretty serious and that I've been coping with my depression instead of curing it. I can see why I've been coping with it instead of it going away completely. K-pop, dancing, and performing helped me take my mind away from it temporarily, but then it would come back. It comes back when I feel lonely around my college friends and when my parents say anything negative to me.

With my college friends, I feel like sometimes, I'm an outsider. I'm not really close close to them and I don't have that one group of friends I'm close to. I'm not really comfortable around them because everyone else is closer to others while I'm just there. Sometimes I think that they wouldn't notice if I stopped being around them. Everyone else talks to each other and then I'm there feeling awkward... I don't want to force a friendship to happen. They just naturally happen when you instantly "click" with someone. I felt the same way in 4th grade which was when I started feeling depressed. I hated going to a classmate's party because I know I would feel left out and lonely.
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I don't belong anywhere.

As for my parents, I feel trapped. I've never had the freedom to do what I want. Sometimes it comes off as them not trusting me. My depression started in 4th grade when my dad started comparing me to my older cousin but I couldn't hate her. I love talking and hanging out with her. She also knows what it feels like to be compared because of her mom. All the negativity got to my head and my self-esteem dropped drastically. It's to the point where I can't take compliments from people. At times, I feel like I'm not worth much. Over break, my parents found out that I wanted to switch majors because I want to be a doctor. But my dad told me that there's not enough money to afford me changing my major since my sister will be in college next year. I was so devastated. I cried a lot and I started feeling suicidal again. I mean, I never really thought about what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, especially in high school since I was focused on passing. But now I feel depressed because I still don't have the freedom to do what I really want to do.
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I don't know what to do with my life.

I never cut myself but punched instead because I know my parents would see the scars from cutting. With bruises, I could just lie.

My depression still affects my grades. Some days, I feel empty, as if there's nothing to look forward to in my life. I feel lonely and trapped. So why am I here when there's nothing for me? But I promised myself in 8th grade that I would never kill myself. Yes I'm still depressed but I have experienced happy moments in life, some of them I never thought I would experience.

That's why I'm still here. I want to get better.

Some bad feels but let's move on

Winter break is over... And wow I'm not starting off to a good start...

I have this one roommate that annoys me so much. She says that she can't sleep with my light on but when she leaves her light on for the whole night, it's so fucking difficult to sleep for me, especially since I have 8 AM classes. I can't really complain about it because I have a feeling that she'll complain again. Sigh... Guess I gotta go back to studying late again...

I haven't been eating a lot lately but I know my appetite will come back soon haha. I just need to walk around a lot more since all I did for a majority of break was lie down on my couch/bed and watch anime.

Recently one of my best friends decided that I'd be happier without him in my life (yah I'm finally talking about it dude lol). I have mixed feelings about it, most of it feeling really sad but I'm trying to see it in a positive light. I didn't really have time to talk about it with him because he just dropped the bomb on me and then all these feels came out. Everything came out and the next thing you know, no more communication between us. It's been a week so far since I've talked to him and I have some questions. Are we temporarily not talking to each other until he comes back from his mission? Can I still be on his email list and get emails from him when he goes back to his mission? Can I at least message/email him on holidays and his birthday? Did he pick his ex over me (this was back in high school) because I changed into a completely different person when I like someone or is it because she helped him in math or is it both? I am so confused... (If you're reading this dude, pls answer me. I'm confused af but I can't ask you because you said that you won't reply to my messages and snaps (;_;) Going back to why I'm feeling more sad than happy about it is because I miss him a butt ton. There's so many memes I want to tag him in and tell him and my other best friends a bunch of random stuff that happens in my life but I can't because there's no point in doing them if he won't see them anyway. Especially when I'll go through a rough time and he won't be there for me... Yeah I have my other best friends but he's one of the few people I feel comfortable around. But it's ok... I kinda feel like being around him reminds him of bad times. I forgave him for what he did but he can't forgive himself. So I guess he needs time to forgive himself... And he did say that he's doing this because he loves me. (Right? Sorry you know I'm pretty bad processing stuff like this lol) Ah well I think at this point from all the letters I've written to him that I do too. Welp.

Oh well... let's just see how life goes on this semester. Gotta be more productive and get my shit together~

Bad Small Changes

I'm at point in my life again where I notice my sleeping and eating habits changing and not in a good way. I've been sleeping more, eating less, and my head is slightly hurting right now. I can't really do much because my parents won't let me go out by myself. I wish I was back in SF.

I had a nightmare last night. There was this magic conch and if you blew air into it from one end, you would be possessed by some evil spirit thing and kill yourself. I watched some of my family members and friends die in front of me in that nightmare.

And then I slept with the blankets over my head.

2018 is an emotional mess.

The New Year 2018 hasn't been the best for me so far. I got a headache during the family New Year's Eve party, finished 2017 with bad thoughts and feelings, and cried during the first few minutes of 2018. Today, I was crying a few minutes ago.

I've been feeling lonely and out of place for a while. A few months ago, I had this thought: Everyone will leave me and I'll end up by myself because everyone has that one person or that group of people that they would rather hangout with. For example, if you had to pick, would you hangout with someone that you're kinda close to or your best friend? Of course you would prioritize the person you care about the most, your best friend. I'm that "kinda close to" person to everyone, even to the people I consider as my best friends. They are to me but I know I'm not theirs. I know that there are others that they care about more and I understand.

I'm just there.

It's been so difficult internalizing this. I have random moments where I push people away. I delete messages, avoid people saying hi to me, and come up with excuses to not hangout with anyone.

I want to cry in someone's arms instead of crying by myself. I want someone to tell me that I'll be ok, I won't be lonely. But it won't happen.

Even the people that I want to stay in my life will leave. They say they won't leave but I'm still scared. I don't want to tell them how I feel because I don't want to give them extra baggage to constantly reassure me that I'm still loved.
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I don't feel loved. Maybe that's why I feel lonely.