Curing and not coping

I didn't know I've been coping with it. I thought that I was cured but then sometimes I would feel it coming back. I've decided to get counseling for my depression.

I made the decision over break. An emotional event occurred during break and I told a relative about it. He said that it's pretty serious and that I've been coping with my depression instead of curing it. I can see why I've been coping with it instead of it going away completely. K-pop, dancing, and performing helped me take my mind away from it temporarily, but then it would come back. It comes back when I feel lonely around my college friends and when my parents say anything negative to me.

With my college friends, I feel like sometimes, I'm an outsider. I'm not really close close to them and I don't have that one group of friends I'm close to. I'm not really comfortable around them because everyone else is closer to others while I'm just there. Sometimes I think that they wouldn't notice if I stopped being around them. Everyone else talks to each other and then I'm there feeling awkward... I don't want to force a friendship to happen. They just naturally happen when you instantly "click" with someone. I felt the same way in 4th grade which was when I started feeling depressed. I hated going to a classmate's party because I know I would feel left out and lonely.
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I don't belong anywhere.

As for my parents, I feel trapped. I've never had the freedom to do what I want. Sometimes it comes off as them not trusting me. My depression started in 4th grade when my dad started comparing me to my older cousin but I couldn't hate her. I love talking and hanging out with her. She also knows what it feels like to be compared because of her mom. All the negativity got to my head and my self-esteem dropped drastically. It's to the point where I can't take compliments from people. At times, I feel like I'm not worth much. Over break, my parents found out that I wanted to switch majors because I want to be a doctor. But my dad told me that there's not enough money to afford me changing my major since my sister will be in college next year. I was so devastated. I cried a lot and I started feeling suicidal again. I mean, I never really thought about what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, especially in high school since I was focused on passing. But now I feel depressed because I still don't have the freedom to do what I really want to do.
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I don't know what to do with my life.

I never cut myself but punched instead because I know my parents would see the scars from cutting. With bruises, I could just lie.

My depression still affects my grades. Some days, I feel empty, as if there's nothing to look forward to in my life. I feel lonely and trapped. So why am I here when there's nothing for me? But I promised myself in 8th grade that I would never kill myself. Yes I'm still depressed but I have experienced happy moments in life, some of them I never thought I would experience.

That's why I'm still here. I want to get better.