The New Year 2018 hasn't been the best for me so far. I got a headache during the family New Year's Eve party, finished 2017 with bad thoughts and feelings, and cried during the first few minutes of 2018. Today, I was crying a few minutes ago.
I've been feeling lonely and out of place for a while. A few months ago, I had this thought: Everyone will leave me and I'll end up by myself because everyone has that one person or that group of people that they would rather hangout with. For example, if you had to pick, would you hangout with someone that you're kinda close to or your best friend? Of course you would prioritize the person you care about the most, your best friend. I'm that "kinda close to" person to everyone, even to the people I consider as my best friends. They are to me but I know I'm not theirs. I know that there are others that they care about more and I understand.
I'm just there.
It's been so difficult internalizing this. I have random moments where I push people away. I delete messages, avoid people saying hi to me, and come up with excuses to not hangout with anyone.
I want to cry in someone's arms instead of crying by myself. I want someone to tell me that I'll be ok, I won't be lonely. But it won't happen.
Even the people that I want to stay in my life will leave. They say they won't leave but I'm still scared. I don't want to tell them how I feel because I don't want to give them extra baggage to constantly reassure me that I'm still loved.
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I don't feel loved. Maybe that's why I feel lonely.
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