Bad Habits

I just realized how severe my depression is the past few months and it's sad that I've had it for 9 years. It's the reason why I feel nothing some days, why I know I have great potential to do better but somehow drastically fall behind, and why I struggle with making friends and keeping those friendships. The first one doesn't really affect my life but the other two are the things in my life that I'm constantly thinking and worrying about.

I have those days where I'm really out of it. Not "I'm tired" out of it but "I can't feel my emotions" out of it. It mostly comes up on those days when I barely say anything for the majority of my day. It feels like I don't exist, as if my very presence in this world doesn't matter. It's not in a suicidal way but more of a thoughtful, quiet, and strange way. It's really weird.

When I say that I know I have great potential to do better, it's knowing that I can a productive and happy person if my depression wasn't such a bitch. My grades are the reason why this is a problem. I started off my freshman year of college with a 2.5 GPA. I know I could've done better. I know I could've tried harder. But whenever I get another depression episode, I can't focus on anything or think straight and I start forgetting things easily. One time in my math class, I had a hard time focusing on an activity because I was thinking about my depression. Before that class, I was talking to my academic counselor about my depression and it ended with me walking out the room with dry tears on my face. I couldn't understand what the professor was talking about and all I mostly did was stare at my paper. There was another time when my depression affected my grades because I had to email my professor that I wasn't going to class. I was in the shower and all of a sudden, I started thinking about my life and how unhappy I am. Then I started crying in the shower for a while, curled up in a ball with the water pouring on me. I felt so vulnerable in that moment. After that emotional shower, I was so tired from crying so much, I didn't have the motivation to go to class. I emailed my professor about how I wasn't going to class with the reason why. He did send an email back with support which is a good thing. But yeah, could've been more productive and on task with my assignments but nooooo. I'm really depressed dammit.

I really hate this part of my depression. It mixes anxiety AND depression so it's worse that the last two. The first one doesn't really affect me. I just feel it in the moment of things and it's only once in a while. The second one doesn't happen that often but it definitely happens. The third one can last for a while. Days, a week, weeks, a few months. It varies on how I get rid of or solve the issue. My anxiety can pop up with these random thoughts about how people don't like me and how lonely I am. I even tell myself that I'll be lonely because right now, I'm having a hard time keeping a positive mindset about the people I care about. Some days, the thoughts come up whenever I see my friends hanging out with other people that they're closer too and I get really jealous. I get jealous because my friends have time to see each other and hang out with someone while I'm always busy with homework and studying. I rarely see anyone now. Then I start feeling lonely... People don't ask me to hangout with them because they know how busy I am and it's sad... My schedule doesn't fit well with all of my friends so it's difficult to make plans. Plus, it's always me making plans with people. I want someone to ask if they could hangout with me. I know it sounds selfish but it's just nice to know that people still think about me. Sometimes I feel like I'm being forgotten... Whenever something negative happen between me and someone one I care about, I run away and hide. I get scared of the other people because I hurt that person or that person is mad at me. I'm scared that the person will leave me. So to avoid that, I run away and hide and leave first. I know that communication could've solved the problem but I'm scared that the person will stop being there for me because of what I did to hide from that person. I won't stop thinking about it until I finally gather enough courage to talk about it or let the other person say something about it and see where the conversation goes from there.

So, as you can see, my life is filled with constant emotional stress, occasional depression episodes, emotional breakdowns, isolation from others, a lack of motivation to be productive, days and nights spend with tears, dark thoughts, and a small constant reminder telling me to stay strong and look forward to something good in the future. Even if it's just looking forward to eating my next meal, going out to milk tea places, or walking around downtown San Francisco, it's something I can have hope for. Plus a constant need for a good hug. I miss those good quality, warm feeling hugs.

I'm a Holden

My eczema flared up. Well, it's an excuse to blog since I can't write and plan on my notebook for a paper I have to write.

I'm trying to have a more positive outlook so that it'll help lessen my depression. Mmm... I'll talk about my favorite book: The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger.

I've read plenty of books over and over but that's because I had to for summer reading. The Catcher in the Rye is the only book (so far) I can read multiple times because of how much I love it. I can relate to it so much and all the hidden internal meanings to Holden's thoughts. I can see myself in Holden in various parts of the book. I forgot about what goes on in the novel because it's been a few years since I've read it. But I will never forget the feeling I had after reading the ending. You can look up the summary of the book on the internet OR you can take the time to read and see what kind of meaning the story gives you.

Now, the protagonist of the novel, Holden, he's a pretty blunt and obnoxious guy. Some of the stuff he thinks about is pretty true. But most of that comes from his thoughts. People still talk to him and you don't really hear many people hating on him (Well from what I vaguely remember). See, I have thoughts that are similar to his and I bet everyone out there has those similar thoughts at some point in their lives. We're human. It's not like we're all perfect angels that never sinned before. Anyway, it's just me trying to say that Holden is someone we can all relate to.

I like how realistic he is with his thoughts without sugar coating it. One thing about me is that I really don't like people that are really optimistic. It's really annoying. And by "really optimistic", I mean people that are so naive and oblivious to how life really works. I'm not saying that optimism is annoying or that it should be ignored because I really do think that people (especially me) should have some optimism in life. It's just that if you think too positively on things, you can't really understand how some things in life go on because you can only see it through one perspective. Life can't always be happy. You need to know pessimism in order to know optimism and vise versa. Whenever something bad happens, I try to remember that I can't cherish the good moments if I'm always living in good times. I don't want to get used to feeling happy because I would eventually see it as something that's not special. If I didn't go through the difficulties of something, I wouldn't know how to cherish and appreciate it. I'd always be taking advantage of it and it wouldn't be meaningful to me.

There's plenty of quotes in this book I can probably have separate posts for but I'll just talk about a few that stand out to me:

"I like it when somebody gets excited about something. It's nice."
Have you ever been that person that gets excited about something you like and you can't stop feeling happy and passionate about it? It's a really nice feeling. Just talking about it makes you feel really happy on the inside and you start smiling a lot while talking about it. Or have you ever been the other person that listens to the one getting excited about something? Seeing that person's face all happy makes you feel happy. Knowing that the person is sharing this innocent feeling with you is a really genuine and personal moment. It's those times when you can feel your connection with the other person getting closer.

"That's the whole trouble. When you're feeling very depressed, you can't even think."

I can relate to this. God knows how much I can relate to this. When I fall into a depression episode, my mind goes blank. It doesn't mean that I can't think about anything. I just can't think rationally. If I can't think rationally, I only see the negative side of every situation I'm in at the moment and I start isolating myself from people. During those times of depression, everything feels as if the world is falling in my hands and I have no control of it. Then I panic and anxiety rushes over me.

Ok, I thought that this post would positive because The Catcher in the Rye is my favorite book but it turned into thought-provoking post. Oh well, it is what it is. I actually like how this turned out anyway.

Connections with love

Yeeey I finally have some time to write~ I kinda miss writing and I'm happy I have some time to do it this week. Mmmm... I don't really know what to write about but it'll be something random from scrolling though tumblr. I'll write about something that stimulates some kind of thought.

Oooo I have a good one. Let's digress about love and maintaining a healthy connection with someone. Ok, talking about love makes me feel like a shitty person most of the time but right now, I'm having some good feels about it. So let's vent it all out and recollect my thoughts while I'm still optimistic about it. 

The one thing I want to focus on within the wide spectrum of topics about love are the different ways someone shows love. Being in a stereotypical Asian American family, it's difficult to explicitly show love to your parents and siblings. Because of that, it can give off the impression that no one really cares about anyone. But you don't have to show love explicitly. Sometimes it's shown through simple actions. Let's use cooking as an example: When your mom or dad cooks dinner. When your parents cook dinner for you, they invested time and effort to keep you healthy and well-fed. Cooking for you means that they did it for you, they prioritized you. Like when you put effort and time into someone or something, it means that it's worth the time and effort sacrificed because it's really important to you. Knowing that your parents cook for you everyday or at least do their best to keep you well-fed means that you're a priority to them every single day. You're worth the time and effort they give to keep you safe and happy.

Another thing random thing I want to bring up is about close relationships whether they're relationships with a significant other or with friends. After observing and thinking about my closest friendships and connections with people, I realized that you need to have some kind of conflict or problem and overcome it in order to have a stronger connection/relationship. No one is perfect which means that there's no such thing as a perfect relationship/friendship. Mistakes will be made and people will get hurt because we're human. It happens. But just because those mistakes hurt and we hurt the ones affected by those mistakes doesn't mean that we aren't able to fix those mistakes or should be fine with letting stuff like that go. If you really do care about the other person, you would communicate to the other person about it and talk things through. Then do something about it. Both people have to put in effort or else it'll be a one-sided problem. If it's one-sided, then you have to re-consider having that person in your life. For me, the most meaningful relationships/friendships are with people that I've had some difficult problems with. Overcoming those help strengthen the connection you have with that person. Plus, it makes life a bit more meaningful.

Bloop bloop

I kinda need a break from being hella productive lately. Therapy, homework, trying to see friends, depression and anxiety... I've been pretty busy lately. I'll type up this random post really quick and I'll go back to studying.

Oh yeah, I uh deleted some stuff on this blog. They're gone because I feel ashamed and embarrassed to have those thoughts and feelings... I really don't know why I feel that way. I shouldn't be but it's probably because of my anxiety... Whatever. What's gone is gone. If I ever do post something like that again, I'll delete it in a few weeks... But just because those posts are gone doesn't mean the emotions I poured out into them are gone... They're still there and being acknowledged. Still comfortable and loving...

I dunno... I feel like I can't really trust anyone. I still have my doubts about people. Eventually the people you consider your best friends won't be your friends anymore, people will be replaced and forgotten, and you'll be out in the world by yourself. I don't want to rely a part of my happiness on my friends or some significant other because I've had my share of being let down by people I thought were my friends. Yeah it's nice to have some company once in a while, but you can't depend on your friends and family to be there for you all the time. There will be times when they can't and you have to learn how to deal with things by yourself.

I think that's why I like doing stuff by myself. I'm still learning how to deal with all these new adult responsibilities and feelings.

The purpose of this blog

At this point, it seems like this blog is my diary. It helps me with venting out my feelings away and it does help me look back at my thoughts and think about who I am as a person. I see the good and bad in me and it helps me become a better person. Slowly. Personal development takes time. There's enough time for me to learn more about myself.

I did it! First day of counseling!

I got counseling for the first time today! It wasn't much since it's only the first day but I'm really happy I got enough courage to go through the process.

I was pretty nervous while I was filling out the paperwork because once I signed the papers, there was no turning back on this. When I was called up and followed the counselor, I felt even more nervous and emotional. Once I started talking about the gist of my depression, I felt like crying just a few minutes into the conversation. The counselor started asking simple questions about my depression and I couldn't help but start tearing up. It was pretty difficult at first because I was trying to keep my composure so I could talk more instead of crying most of the time. Then things calmed down after she talked to me about everything.

She told me not to give up on my dream and that there are other way for me to achieve it. What she found saddening was that I was giving up at a young age. I'm 19 right now and there are plenty of med school students that finished in their late 20s and early 40s. That gives me a little bit of hope.

We ended things off on a positive note. She told me to think about a way to cope with my depression and to find something that gives my life meaning or something I look forward to in life. I perform and dance with my friends in the dance team as a way to cope with it. I really don't know what gives my life meaning. I never really thought about it until today. I guess missing out on significant life moments pushes me to carry on so I can experience them. For example, I never knew I would get my first kiss, go on a date, or cuddle with someone back then. Here I am now saying that I have experienced those moments and they're even more important since I experienced them with someone special. He means a lot to me and I'm happy he was the one I had my "firsts" with.

Then I was told that I'd be moving to a different counseling place because the one I went to today is only for short-term counseling. I've had depression for nine years so I need to move where long-term counseling is provided. At the counseling place I'll be going to tomorrow, I'll have weekly appointments and the counselor I had today will be getting updates about my progress and have a follow up appointment to see how I'm doing with therapy.

I'm proud of myself for taking this first step into therapy. I'm looking forward to the weekly appointments and getting better someday :)

Curing and not coping

I didn't know I've been coping with it. I thought that I was cured but then sometimes I would feel it coming back. I've decided to get counseling for my depression.

I made the decision over break. An emotional event occurred during break and I told a relative about it. He said that it's pretty serious and that I've been coping with my depression instead of curing it. I can see why I've been coping with it instead of it going away completely. K-pop, dancing, and performing helped me take my mind away from it temporarily, but then it would come back. It comes back when I feel lonely around my college friends and when my parents say anything negative to me.

With my college friends, I feel like sometimes, I'm an outsider. I'm not really close close to them and I don't have that one group of friends I'm close to. I'm not really comfortable around them because everyone else is closer to others while I'm just there. Sometimes I think that they wouldn't notice if I stopped being around them. Everyone else talks to each other and then I'm there feeling awkward... I don't want to force a friendship to happen. They just naturally happen when you instantly "click" with someone. I felt the same way in 4th grade which was when I started feeling depressed. I hated going to a classmate's party because I know I would feel left out and lonely.
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I don't belong anywhere.

As for my parents, I feel trapped. I've never had the freedom to do what I want. Sometimes it comes off as them not trusting me. My depression started in 4th grade when my dad started comparing me to my older cousin but I couldn't hate her. I love talking and hanging out with her. She also knows what it feels like to be compared because of her mom. All the negativity got to my head and my self-esteem dropped drastically. It's to the point where I can't take compliments from people. At times, I feel like I'm not worth much. Over break, my parents found out that I wanted to switch majors because I want to be a doctor. But my dad told me that there's not enough money to afford me changing my major since my sister will be in college next year. I was so devastated. I cried a lot and I started feeling suicidal again. I mean, I never really thought about what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, especially in high school since I was focused on passing. But now I feel depressed because I still don't have the freedom to do what I really want to do.
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I don't know what to do with my life.

I never cut myself but punched instead because I know my parents would see the scars from cutting. With bruises, I could just lie.

My depression still affects my grades. Some days, I feel empty, as if there's nothing to look forward to in my life. I feel lonely and trapped. So why am I here when there's nothing for me? But I promised myself in 8th grade that I would never kill myself. Yes I'm still depressed but I have experienced happy moments in life, some of them I never thought I would experience.

That's why I'm still here. I want to get better.

Some bad feels but let's move on

Winter break is over... And wow I'm not starting off to a good start...

I have this one roommate that annoys me so much. She says that she can't sleep with my light on but when she leaves her light on for the whole night, it's so fucking difficult to sleep for me, especially since I have 8 AM classes. I can't really complain about it because I have a feeling that she'll complain again. Sigh... Guess I gotta go back to studying late again...

I haven't been eating a lot lately but I know my appetite will come back soon haha. I just need to walk around a lot more since all I did for a majority of break was lie down on my couch/bed and watch anime.

Recently one of my best friends decided that I'd be happier without him in my life (yah I'm finally talking about it dude lol). I have mixed feelings about it, most of it feeling really sad but I'm trying to see it in a positive light. I didn't really have time to talk about it with him because he just dropped the bomb on me and then all these feels came out. Everything came out and the next thing you know, no more communication between us. It's been a week so far since I've talked to him and I have some questions. Are we temporarily not talking to each other until he comes back from his mission? Can I still be on his email list and get emails from him when he goes back to his mission? Can I at least message/email him on holidays and his birthday? Did he pick his ex over me (this was back in high school) because I changed into a completely different person when I like someone or is it because she helped him in math or is it both? I am so confused... (If you're reading this dude, pls answer me. I'm confused af but I can't ask you because you said that you won't reply to my messages and snaps (;_;) Going back to why I'm feeling more sad than happy about it is because I miss him a butt ton. There's so many memes I want to tag him in and tell him and my other best friends a bunch of random stuff that happens in my life but I can't because there's no point in doing them if he won't see them anyway. Especially when I'll go through a rough time and he won't be there for me... Yeah I have my other best friends but he's one of the few people I feel comfortable around. But it's ok... I kinda feel like being around him reminds him of bad times. I forgave him for what he did but he can't forgive himself. So I guess he needs time to forgive himself... And he did say that he's doing this because he loves me. (Right? Sorry you know I'm pretty bad processing stuff like this lol) Ah well I think at this point from all the letters I've written to him that I do too. Welp.

Oh well... let's just see how life goes on this semester. Gotta be more productive and get my shit together~

Bad Small Changes

I'm at point in my life again where I notice my sleeping and eating habits changing and not in a good way. I've been sleeping more, eating less, and my head is slightly hurting right now. I can't really do much because my parents won't let me go out by myself. I wish I was back in SF.

I had a nightmare last night. There was this magic conch and if you blew air into it from one end, you would be possessed by some evil spirit thing and kill yourself. I watched some of my family members and friends die in front of me in that nightmare.

And then I slept with the blankets over my head.

2018 is an emotional mess.

The New Year 2018 hasn't been the best for me so far. I got a headache during the family New Year's Eve party, finished 2017 with bad thoughts and feelings, and cried during the first few minutes of 2018. Today, I was crying a few minutes ago.

I've been feeling lonely and out of place for a while. A few months ago, I had this thought: Everyone will leave me and I'll end up by myself because everyone has that one person or that group of people that they would rather hangout with. For example, if you had to pick, would you hangout with someone that you're kinda close to or your best friend? Of course you would prioritize the person you care about the most, your best friend. I'm that "kinda close to" person to everyone, even to the people I consider as my best friends. They are to me but I know I'm not theirs. I know that there are others that they care about more and I understand.

I'm just there.

It's been so difficult internalizing this. I have random moments where I push people away. I delete messages, avoid people saying hi to me, and come up with excuses to not hangout with anyone.

I want to cry in someone's arms instead of crying by myself. I want someone to tell me that I'll be ok, I won't be lonely. But it won't happen.

Even the people that I want to stay in my life will leave. They say they won't leave but I'm still scared. I don't want to tell them how I feel because I don't want to give them extra baggage to constantly reassure me that I'm still loved.
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I don't feel loved. Maybe that's why I feel lonely.