Relapse

I've been feeling depressed lately. It feels like I don't belong anywhere and I'm all alone. Because I feel out of place with groups of people, I get uncomfortable and then leave.

I'm not lost. I just don't have a home. I don't have a place or someone or something to help me feel comfort.

Hurtful expectations

I've been hurt a lot throughout my life, specifically emotionally. Sometimes my family hurts me, sometimes my friends do, past crushes definitely, and of course, myself. Because of all those moments and experiences, all the hurt I've felt has accumulated and developed into negative expectations or as the title says, hurtful expectations.

1. I don't think I'll ever get married. Honestly, it would be nice to spend the rest of your life with someone you love. I even made a recent post about opening up to love. But I'm just ok with the idea of it. Thinking about it is nice. I see the positive aspects of being in a long-term, honest, and faithful marriage. But I really don't think it will happen. Relationships aren't really a thing for my life so I might as well face reality and learn to keep it at the back of my mind for my other friends that will get married in the future. I don't even know how to be in a relationship since I've been single my entire life. Going on dates? Look at #2 and #3. Relationships are honestly really pointless for me but that's all from the shitty guys that convinced me that I'm not dating material. And I mean all the guys I've had a crush on.

2. Everyone will leave me. Everyone that's in my life now will leave me for better people and priorities. Yes I know I sound like I want attention but I still feel lonely these days. Even when I'm around a big group of my friends, I still feel lonely, awkward, and left out at times. Right now I'm kinda distancing myself from some people. People say that they'll be here for you now but later on, they won't. They'll forget about you. I'm still trying to adjust myself to becoming more comfortable with being by myself but I get attached to people easily. So I'm doing it little by little by trying to show less emotions to others. I do have close friends but they will leave me too.

3. I'm not really an interesting person. I'm not pretty. I'm not talented. I guess I'm kinda smart. I haven't done much with my life yet. Honestly, people shouldn't waste their time on me because all I do is sleep, eat, and study. I do dance but I'm deciding whether or not if I should slowly move it out of my life.

These are the few things I keep in mind everyday.
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I just want to be loved back by someone I love. Is that too much to ask for?
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I guess it is...

I'll open up a little to love

I'm scared of love. I've made that very clear in some of my posts before, but I think I'm kinda opening up to it... Slightly...

The thing that drives me to open up a little bit to it is how some of my friends in serious relationships talk about it. They talk about love for the other person and not themselves. What I mean by that is when people explain why they want to be in a relationship. I've heard reasons where people are in relationships because they don't want to end up lonely. With that reason, it's about the him, her, or themselves. Then there's people that want to be in a relationships because of the other person. Now it's about the other person and not his, her, or themselves.

I like that. Being in love because you love that person instead of not wanting to feel lonely.

Being in love because you love that person instead of not wanting to feel lonely. Now in that statement, it's thinking about it positively, not negatively. To me, you should love someone as a positive thing instead of something negative.

I'll open up to love a little bit because I want to love as a positive reason. Besides, I'm technically not lonely if I don't have a love life. I still have my friends and family. But I want to fall in love because I love him, not because I feel lonely.

I'm still hesitant to let myself love someone again but I'm ok with thinking about it.

I want to love someone that makes me feel safe, content, and comfortable. I'm tired of feeling anxious around someone I like.

Anxious readings, physical reminders, and comparison

Vent session because I keep on internalizing this and it bothers me a lot:

#1: Before, during, and after I read this thing, I feel anxious. I don't know why. Whenever I read it, I get scared. I try to rationalize my thoughts but somehow, I end up making myself feel really shitty. As if there's going to be distance, awkwardness, and a wall between us. 

#2: I feel like me in his life now is a constant and hurtful reminder of what happened in the past. Because of our history, it's what he thinks about when he sees, talks to, and hears me. It's as if I'm the hidden friend or the black sheep among his other perfect and pure white sheep. What happened has done a lot of damage and I can't help but feel like he's ashamed to to say anything about me because there's nothing good to say. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude after everything but I'm human. I get insecure and anxious about the unknown of what'll happen to us in the future. I can't help but compare myself to his other friends because I have this perfect image of them whenever he talks about them and then there's me. A physical reminder of what happened. Someone that cannot live up to a expectation of who deserves to be his friend. 

And then it reminds me of what happened and what I felt: Jealousy. 

"I'm not pretty like her."

"I'm not smart like her."

"I'm not talented like her."

"I want to know why she's so special to him because I want to be."

But then again, there are some things best left unsaid. 

Take it away from me or replace it with something better

I just came home from a wedding and I'm just feeling eh. The wedding reception was pretty cool, but it kinda felt like a low-key prom. Ahh prom...
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The one thing that stands out to me the most was that one heartbreaking moment I had. My hands felt numb, my body heating up, my eyes tearing up, a burning lump in my throat. And With You by Chris Brown was playing. That image of them. God, I wish you can take it away or replace it with something better.
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I hate that song. I fucking hate that song.
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I was in the car on my way to the wedding and I was letting my mind drift. I thought about something that would give me an emotional breakdown + a panic attack if it ever happened.

I was stuck in a room with him and her. The door was locked. I kept screaming and yelling for someone to open the door but no one would. I kept crying and crying and eventually my legs gave out. I sat on the floor in a corner with my back turned away from them. I squeezed my eyes shut, covered my ears with my hands and kept my knees close to my chest. I cried and I cried.

And that's it.

I'm not pretty. I'm not smart. I guess I'm funny, but don't compliment me.

I always compare myself. It's a bad habit I've formed over time. And uh... I guess it's slowly dying out. But it lingers on and on and on...

I stopped caring about my physical appearance and therefore, I stopped comparing my physical appearance with others. Over time, I convinced myself that I'm not good-looking, pretty, or all that stuff. Out of all my friend groups, I'm the "ugly" or "less-than-decent" looking person but I still have my inappropriate humor to hold onto. I guess it's nice. I stopped caring about how others see my bare-pimply-acne-scarred face. I mean, it's not like people haven't seen a pimple before so whatever. 

The one trait I really care about is being smart. I get praised for my grades and academic achievements more than my face. So I guess I just want to focus more on what's a more positive trait for me than a negative one. I can't help it but compare myself to my friends and my friends' friends. Well, some of my friends are over-achievers so that doesn't help a lot. I have this way of thinking where if you're a really smart person, you're perfect. It's weird. It's bad. I know. I know there are different types of intelligence and not everyone is good at everything but when some people describe others, it's as if they can do everything perfectly well and it kills my self-esteem. Like to the point where I need to lie down on my bed and nap it off for a bit. 

(I haven't been in a good mood lately because I'm sick, have a late af midterm I need to start writing, and went through an emotional experience where I kinda don't like hamsters anymore even though I own one.) 

I don't know if this relates to the topic but the points I made earlier kinda go into why I can't take compliments from guys seriously. Plus my previous experiences with assholes and catcallers add on to this. If a guy called me pretty, I won't take it seriously. Like dude, I know I'm ugly af. I know you're lying and just playing with me for the sake of your boredom. If a guy calls me smart, I'll refer back to those other smarter girls I know or heard about and won't take it seriously. Compliments from guys make me feel VERY uncomfortable. Like can they just not? I know that there are other better-looking, smarter, and more talented girls out there. Millions of them. So cut the bullshit dude. 

There's that but I low-key really want a guy to call me beautiful. I dunno it just sounds more genuine of a compliment. But not by saying it randomly. It has to be at the right moment. I dunno what kind of moments though lol. I've been single my entire life so all that romantic stuff is foreign to me. 

But whatever. It won't happen to me anyway. No point in thinking it'll ever be a thing in my life.

Let's not fall in love again. Ok? Good.

I need a break from studying physiology. I'm getting kinda sick of it lol. But waow I'm gonna talk about a topic I really hate talking about.

Love. Ew. It makes me cringe just thinking about the word.

I think I made a post last year on how I feel about that particular "thing". Eh. It's cringy and corny. Yeah it makes me feel uncomfortable. I have my reasons why I react that way towards love: 1. Past experiences with liking people led to me giving up on myself. 2. It's a fucking distraction. (Well for me...)

Life is complicated and unfair. But then again, it gives you what you need, not what you want. (I'll let you think about your life with those previous sentences.)

Ok, to clear up things, I don't like romantic love. The other kinds like parental, sibling, and friendly love, I'm perfectly fine with. But that particular one makes me want to gag out acid. My past experiences liking guys ended up with disappointment and some other life experiences that made me fear it. Yah know, cheating on your significant other because you're tired of them and want something exciting in your love life. It's been so common around me, sometimes I doubt my friendship with my closest friends. I'm scared that I'll be vulnerable enough to really trust someone and then having that person take advantage of me or leaving me behind as if I'm a worn-out lover or a useless toy to throw out later on when he's bored with me. Plus it's distracting af. I have better things to do than think about one specific person that toys with my actions and emotions. It's emotionally tiring and I hate being emotionally tired. I'm already an emotional person, so having an overload of emotions will make me go crazy. For example, in this scenario, I have finals but something bad happened between me and this guy I have a crush on. But because I'm an emotional person, I can't ignore the overwhelming emotions I'm experiencing at the moment which means I'm gonna get distracted. Getting distracted by an asshole that doesn't give a fuck about you? That's a really shitty reason why you can't get your shit together.

But it happens. And sometimes you have to deal with it.