Relapse

I've been feeling depressed lately. It feels like I don't belong anywhere and I'm all alone. Because I feel out of place with groups of people, I get uncomfortable and then leave.

I'm not lost. I just don't have a home. I don't have a place or someone or something to help me feel comfort.

Hurtful expectations

I've been hurt a lot throughout my life, specifically emotionally. Sometimes my family hurts me, sometimes my friends do, past crushes definitely, and of course, myself. Because of all those moments and experiences, all the hurt I've felt has accumulated and developed into negative expectations or as the title says, hurtful expectations.

1. I don't think I'll ever get married. Honestly, it would be nice to spend the rest of your life with someone you love. I even made a recent post about opening up to love. But I'm just ok with the idea of it. Thinking about it is nice. I see the positive aspects of being in a long-term, honest, and faithful marriage. But I really don't think it will happen. Relationships aren't really a thing for my life so I might as well face reality and learn to keep it at the back of my mind for my other friends that will get married in the future. I don't even know how to be in a relationship since I've been single my entire life. Going on dates? Look at #2 and #3. Relationships are honestly really pointless for me but that's all from the shitty guys that convinced me that I'm not dating material. And I mean all the guys I've had a crush on.

2. Everyone will leave me. Everyone that's in my life now will leave me for better people and priorities. Yes I know I sound like I want attention but I still feel lonely these days. Even when I'm around a big group of my friends, I still feel lonely, awkward, and left out at times. Right now I'm kinda distancing myself from some people. People say that they'll be here for you now but later on, they won't. They'll forget about you. I'm still trying to adjust myself to becoming more comfortable with being by myself but I get attached to people easily. So I'm doing it little by little by trying to show less emotions to others. I do have close friends but they will leave me too.

3. I'm not really an interesting person. I'm not pretty. I'm not talented. I guess I'm kinda smart. I haven't done much with my life yet. Honestly, people shouldn't waste their time on me because all I do is sleep, eat, and study. I do dance but I'm deciding whether or not if I should slowly move it out of my life.

These are the few things I keep in mind everyday.
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I just want to be loved back by someone I love. Is that too much to ask for?
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I guess it is...

I'll open up a little to love

I'm scared of love. I've made that very clear in some of my posts before, but I think I'm kinda opening up to it... Slightly...

The thing that drives me to open up a little bit to it is how some of my friends in serious relationships talk about it. They talk about love for the other person and not themselves. What I mean by that is when people explain why they want to be in a relationship. I've heard reasons where people are in relationships because they don't want to end up lonely. With that reason, it's about the him, her, or themselves. Then there's people that want to be in a relationships because of the other person. Now it's about the other person and not his, her, or themselves.

I like that. Being in love because you love that person instead of not wanting to feel lonely.

Being in love because you love that person instead of not wanting to feel lonely. Now in that statement, it's thinking about it positively, not negatively. To me, you should love someone as a positive thing instead of something negative.

I'll open up to love a little bit because I want to love as a positive reason. Besides, I'm technically not lonely if I don't have a love life. I still have my friends and family. But I want to fall in love because I love him, not because I feel lonely.

I'm still hesitant to let myself love someone again but I'm ok with thinking about it.

I want to love someone that makes me feel safe, content, and comfortable. I'm tired of feeling anxious around someone I like.

Anxious readings, physical reminders, and comparison

Vent session because I keep on internalizing this and it bothers me a lot:

#1: Before, during, and after I read this thing, I feel anxious. I don't know why. Whenever I read it, I get scared. I try to rationalize my thoughts but somehow, I end up making myself feel really shitty. As if there's going to be distance, awkwardness, and a wall between us. 

#2: I feel like me in his life now is a constant and hurtful reminder of what happened in the past. Because of our history, it's what he thinks about when he sees, talks to, and hears me. It's as if I'm the hidden friend or the black sheep among his other perfect and pure white sheep. What happened has done a lot of damage and I can't help but feel like he's ashamed to to say anything about me because there's nothing good to say. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude after everything but I'm human. I get insecure and anxious about the unknown of what'll happen to us in the future. I can't help but compare myself to his other friends because I have this perfect image of them whenever he talks about them and then there's me. A physical reminder of what happened. Someone that cannot live up to a expectation of who deserves to be his friend. 

And then it reminds me of what happened and what I felt: Jealousy. 

"I'm not pretty like her."

"I'm not smart like her."

"I'm not talented like her."

"I want to know why she's so special to him because I want to be."

But then again, there are some things best left unsaid. 

Take it away from me or replace it with something better

I just came home from a wedding and I'm just feeling eh. The wedding reception was pretty cool, but it kinda felt like a low-key prom. Ahh prom...
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The one thing that stands out to me the most was that one heartbreaking moment I had. My hands felt numb, my body heating up, my eyes tearing up, a burning lump in my throat. And With You by Chris Brown was playing. That image of them. God, I wish you can take it away or replace it with something better.
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I hate that song. I fucking hate that song.
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I was in the car on my way to the wedding and I was letting my mind drift. I thought about something that would give me an emotional breakdown + a panic attack if it ever happened.

I was stuck in a room with him and her. The door was locked. I kept screaming and yelling for someone to open the door but no one would. I kept crying and crying and eventually my legs gave out. I sat on the floor in a corner with my back turned away from them. I squeezed my eyes shut, covered my ears with my hands and kept my knees close to my chest. I cried and I cried.

And that's it.

I'm not pretty. I'm not smart. I guess I'm funny, but don't compliment me.

I always compare myself. It's a bad habit I've formed over time. And uh... I guess it's slowly dying out. But it lingers on and on and on...

I stopped caring about my physical appearance and therefore, I stopped comparing my physical appearance with others. Over time, I convinced myself that I'm not good-looking, pretty, or all that stuff. Out of all my friend groups, I'm the "ugly" or "less-than-decent" looking person but I still have my inappropriate humor to hold onto. I guess it's nice. I stopped caring about how others see my bare-pimply-acne-scarred face. I mean, it's not like people haven't seen a pimple before so whatever. 

The one trait I really care about is being smart. I get praised for my grades and academic achievements more than my face. So I guess I just want to focus more on what's a more positive trait for me than a negative one. I can't help it but compare myself to my friends and my friends' friends. Well, some of my friends are over-achievers so that doesn't help a lot. I have this way of thinking where if you're a really smart person, you're perfect. It's weird. It's bad. I know. I know there are different types of intelligence and not everyone is good at everything but when some people describe others, it's as if they can do everything perfectly well and it kills my self-esteem. Like to the point where I need to lie down on my bed and nap it off for a bit. 

(I haven't been in a good mood lately because I'm sick, have a late af midterm I need to start writing, and went through an emotional experience where I kinda don't like hamsters anymore even though I own one.) 

I don't know if this relates to the topic but the points I made earlier kinda go into why I can't take compliments from guys seriously. Plus my previous experiences with assholes and catcallers add on to this. If a guy called me pretty, I won't take it seriously. Like dude, I know I'm ugly af. I know you're lying and just playing with me for the sake of your boredom. If a guy calls me smart, I'll refer back to those other smarter girls I know or heard about and won't take it seriously. Compliments from guys make me feel VERY uncomfortable. Like can they just not? I know that there are other better-looking, smarter, and more talented girls out there. Millions of them. So cut the bullshit dude. 

There's that but I low-key really want a guy to call me beautiful. I dunno it just sounds more genuine of a compliment. But not by saying it randomly. It has to be at the right moment. I dunno what kind of moments though lol. I've been single my entire life so all that romantic stuff is foreign to me. 

But whatever. It won't happen to me anyway. No point in thinking it'll ever be a thing in my life.

Let's not fall in love again. Ok? Good.

I need a break from studying physiology. I'm getting kinda sick of it lol. But waow I'm gonna talk about a topic I really hate talking about.

Love. Ew. It makes me cringe just thinking about the word.

I think I made a post last year on how I feel about that particular "thing". Eh. It's cringy and corny. Yeah it makes me feel uncomfortable. I have my reasons why I react that way towards love: 1. Past experiences with liking people led to me giving up on myself. 2. It's a fucking distraction. (Well for me...)

Life is complicated and unfair. But then again, it gives you what you need, not what you want. (I'll let you think about your life with those previous sentences.)

Ok, to clear up things, I don't like romantic love. The other kinds like parental, sibling, and friendly love, I'm perfectly fine with. But that particular one makes me want to gag out acid. My past experiences liking guys ended up with disappointment and some other life experiences that made me fear it. Yah know, cheating on your significant other because you're tired of them and want something exciting in your love life. It's been so common around me, sometimes I doubt my friendship with my closest friends. I'm scared that I'll be vulnerable enough to really trust someone and then having that person take advantage of me or leaving me behind as if I'm a worn-out lover or a useless toy to throw out later on when he's bored with me. Plus it's distracting af. I have better things to do than think about one specific person that toys with my actions and emotions. It's emotionally tiring and I hate being emotionally tired. I'm already an emotional person, so having an overload of emotions will make me go crazy. For example, in this scenario, I have finals but something bad happened between me and this guy I have a crush on. But because I'm an emotional person, I can't ignore the overwhelming emotions I'm experiencing at the moment which means I'm gonna get distracted. Getting distracted by an asshole that doesn't give a fuck about you? That's a really shitty reason why you can't get your shit together.

But it happens. And sometimes you have to deal with it.

My life playlist

This playlist was an assignment I had to do for my Asian American Studies class. I hope you enjoy this lol. It was pretty difficult for me to explain why these songs represent this moment in my life but overall, it was interesting...

...an old version of you:

Pink - Fuckin' Perfect

If you compared the old version of myself to who I am right now, the old Melissa wouldn't believe that I'd be a completely different person in the future. I used to be a shy and quiet person with a very low self-esteem. I was that kind of person to always take the blame even if it wasn't my fault. I didn't have many close friends because I would constantly worry about accidentally doing stupid in front of people. I often felt lonely because I thought that I didn't belong at school or at home. At home, my dad would constantly compare me to my older cousin because she did more extracurricular activities and had better grades than me. Eventually I became depressed and suicidal for a few years. I turned to music as my escape from the harsh reality of life because I was able to relate to the lyrics of songs or the feeling of the music. Music was the only thing that understood me and brought me comfort during those times. Fucking Perfect is one of the songs I listened to often during that time of my life.

...your best memory in middle school:

Taeyang - Only Look At Me

K-pop changed my life. It helped me become a better person which is the person I am today. I used to be very shy back then and I would have a difficult time meeting new people. Someone on my 8th grade basketball team introduced me to K-pop and I slowly became a different person, someone I would be proud of. The person that introduced me to K-pop also helped me through my depression and I'm always thankful for her introducing me and in a way, saving my life. She wrote me lists of K-pop songs I should listen to and I still have those papers with me today. Only Look At Me is one of the songs from the lists she wrote for me. I made new friends through K-pop as a way to start a conversation with people and some of those people are now my closest best friends.

...a time of joy:

Fiestar - One More

This song reminds me of all the amazing memories I had with my high school K-pop dance team, KDT. One More is one of the songs I performed with KDT and was my favorite song to perform in some of the events we did. Because I was new in the K-pop fandom, I decided to join a K-pop club to make new friends in a school where I didn't know anyone. After a few practices, performances, and social events, I noticed how much I've changed while spending time with KDT. I became more confident, social, and accepting of who I am.

...a time you forgave someone who wronged you:

Coldplay - The Scientist

I have a complicated relationship with the person that wronged me. To make things short, less complicated, and straightforward, one of my best friends used me for his physical needs. I liked him at first, then he lead me on, found out that he liked another girl, and he still continued to do things with me that made our situation even worse. A few months went by over the summer and I hated him. All of a sudden, he came over to my house to apologize to me. I thought about how much courage it took for him to apologize to me and how he wanted to tell me face to face instead of over a text. After a few talks, I forgave him. He truly felt sorry for what he did. I chose The Scientist because he was the one that introduce me to Coldplay and a few songs by them. I listen to this song when I recall the moments of what he did to me.

...someone you love:

Coldplay - Sparks

The person I love is the same person I forgave. Sparks is one of his favorite Coldplay songs. After becoming friends again during my first year of college, we've had some difficulty building up trust. But during that time, we've learned a lot about who we are as a person from our past mistakes. He was one of the people there for me when I had emotional breakdowns. I've become physically, emotionally, and spiritually comfortable around him. I chose to forgive him because I was hoping that we would be able to fix our friendship even though it was broken for a while. Eventually, the broken pieces from our broken friendship in the past became something beautiful today, like a colorful mosaic.

Fall 2017: A Brand new start

Wow it's been a while since I've posted something. Life has been pretty busy lately. I've been studying more often, going back to my hometown for dentist and driving appointments every other weekend, keeping up with dance practices, and hanging out with friends whenever I can.

Mmm not much on my mind lately... I haven't been stressing out. Well, there was this one time I was about to but I didn't. That's good.

There is this one thing that's uh... there.
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I need a hug.

Quick post because I still have a lot of reading to catch up on plus a research paper due tomorrow. Yikes.

I just took a shower and I still feel pretty awake. That's good because I could catch up on reading but then bad because I need sleep. I could buy sleeping pills because I know that'll help me a lot in the future but eh. I'll tire myself to sleep. I'll try to be productive like typing out this post.

One of my best friends is leaving soon for a mission in the Philippines. Mmm... I've thought about it here and there. I'll miss him a lot. I find it interesting that we met in high school but to me, we got closer during out first year of college. Shit happened, it was complicated lol. But yeah. I mean, we both learned from each other, had our ups and downs in our friendship, but overcame those obstacles. The one thing I learned from our friendship is how important communication and honesty is. Like damn, it solves a lot of problems. Especially if you're someone with a low self-esteem sometimes and have very bad mood swings before your period (me). Oh yeah and understanding the other person. At least giving an effort to understand.

The plushie he gave me reminds me of him a bit, squishy and brown. Cute too lol. At least I have Potato by me if I ever have those random feelings of nostalgia. Some phone calls, texts, late night memories, and those nice hugs.

I hope he doesn't forget about me.

Curious and adventurous. Just like Alice.

I've been fascinated with Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and realized I'm like Alice. I have a childlike curiosity and a desire to explore the world.

I love to learn. My curiosity can come off as childlike because I ask questions as if I'm a kid in elementary school. It comes off sounding kinda stupid and it makes me look like an airhead at times. But it's pure curiosity. I want to know because whatever I'm asking about either interests or fascinates me. Sometimes my questions come out of nowhere, sometimes they come out after thinking about it for a while, and sometimes they come one after another. I can spend hours talking to someone about a weird topic if the person is willing to talk about it or can keep up a conversation with me. I guess I can say I'm pretty open-minded but I still have my biases. Nevertheless, I'm still willing to learn. Talk to me about your occupation, religion, political stances (I'm biased to being liberal af LOL), something you love, or your life lessons. Teach me about something that I have no clue about. If you're willing to give me a piece of your life, then I'll share a part of mine with you. Isn't that how we make connections and relationships with people? Giving a part of ourselves to others.

I have very protective parents when it comes to me going outside anywhere. Of course they're worried about me getting kidnapped, raped, robbed, or anything that'd have me end up in the hospital or jail. I wasn't allowed to walk around my quiet suburban neighborhood by myself when I was younger because there were a few creepy stalkers around outside the area I lived and sometimes they drove in my neighborhood. Once I was allowed to go somewhere by myself like walk to grocery store to buy juice, I loved every moment I had to myself. I didn't have to watch over someone. I walked at my own pace. It was just me, my thoughts, and the world. Going somewhere by myself gave me the time to think in peace. The more time I spent running errands by myself, I wanted or more like desired to explore more and more of the world. Seeing and experiencing new things help me see life realistically. There's so much people don't know about life... If only they took the time to stop and observe. That's what I do on my adventures. I observe, remember, and learn. 

Coming to San Francisco for college is a big step for me. It has a completely different vibe and lifestyle compared to living in a suburban area for a majority of my life. Someday I'll get the chance to live in a different state and maybe in a different country. 

The world is my Wonderland and I'm Alice, questioning and observing the unknown around me.

Missed Opportunities

I'm kinda nauseous, kinda tired, my tummy hurts and I have a slight headache. But eh. I've been procrastinating this blog for a while LOL I mean, I have a few drafts saved right now haha. But when I feel like posting them, I'll post them. Anyway, I've been pondering about this for a bit. It comes up occasionally but it doesn't bother me which is good, considering all the other things that bother me... heh.

Do you ever have those moments to yourself when you think, "Man, I should've...". Yeah, those kind of regrets. I've had my share of regrets or missed opportunities, some of them with multiple chances. Sometimes you miss those opportunities because you change your mind about something, sometimes because you're too scared to take the chance in the moment, or because you do it on purpose. Like wanting to change majors, deciding if you should kiss that boy or not before you two won't see each other in a while, or not buying that one bottle of perfume that's on sale for 60% off because it's not necessary to buy it right now even though sales like that come up once in a while.

Right now, there's probably a chance in the future to do it but I'll be to scared to take it in the moment. I want to do it but I'm scared of doing something wrong, if anything unexpected shows up, or if it changes everything. What if I'll mess up everything, even after going through so much?

God help me. I have no idea what to do about this. Ughhhhh.

I'm kinda bored but I don't want to work on some of the unfinished posts I've been working on. So I guess occasionally I'll type down whatever I'm thinking about.
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I feel really sexy after pampering myself at night with a nice shower and a face mask. And it's all because of my hair. If I feel good about my hair, then I'll feel good. If I'm having an off day with my hair, then I feel eh. I like the way my wavy hair looks when it falls effortlessly on my back. Ok, this is slightly narcissistic of me but I like to check out my body in from of my mirror when I'm changing my clothes and see which angles compliment my body type. I never really noticed I had a nice body till high school when I started wearing more skin-revealing clothes. But body positivity right? Nothing wrong with some self-love. There are some days I'm kinda neutral about it but that's when I bloat the week before my period starts. Anyway, I'd stare at how the curves of my body make me look nicely slim. LOL. A contradiction there. But that's how I can accurately describe it. Or I guess a small waist with some curve to give my body some shape. Oh and my legs. Damn I have nice legs. They're not up to par with a Victoria's Secret model but they're nice... Ahh... I love my body.
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I've been in the mood lately but I can never talk about it with anyone. I know I could just say it but I won't get the answer I want anyway. I think about it whenever I'm feeling tired or dozing off. It keeps me sitting there or lying there for almost half an hour, distracted by whatever feels good at the moment. It probably means that I need a break from whatever I was doing, but it's whatever. It happens. I keep it to myself.
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It's been bothering me for a while. It's that feeling when you know you're not close to that person anymore. Sometimes you don't notice it and sometimes you do. In this case, I do. It feels like we'll go back to awkward conversations and empty silences because it's slowly feeling foreign to me. I don't know if I can hold on any longer. It's out of my control. It is what it is.

Distance.

I want to try. I want to hold on to some thread of optimism and hope that it's still there. I want to see something there, as if it still exists.

It's fading slowly.

Sometimes I get tired of it. Sometimes I get tired of how long I have to hold on. Sometimes I get tired of how much strength I use to hold on to something I want to keep and cherish. I don't know if it's worth it.

But then there is hope.

Then I'm tired.

Hope.

Tired.

Hope.

Tired.

I want to talk to you but I can't bring myself to ask. Life happens and you forget.

Once in a while...

Oh dear... The uneasy feeling is back and wow such bad timing. I have a midterm tomorrow and it's bothering me right now dammit.

I was listening to this song earlier and that's why I feel kinda uneasy right now:
Davichi - 괜찮아 사랑이야 It's Okay, That's Love (OST)

I have it on my playlist so you can take a listen if you want. The meaning of that song reminds me of a lot of sad memories and listening to it makes me feel sad... I thought that yah know, it wouldn't bother me anymore... I don't have anymore feelings, but once in a while it pops up in my head and it bothers me. But it takes time for the deepest scars to heal.

Here's the translation of the song if you're too lazy to look it up.

Do you see my heart?  Why is it love?
I was never gonna fall in love again, I’m such a fool
Why am I happy? I think of your face
Only stay by my side, forever you
You came to me with the wind like the swaying flowers
You knocked on my heart, I love you
My heart hurts when I see you, It’s alright, it’s love
My flawed heart and my love Will you accept it? Me?

Why are you only smiling?
Look into my eyes
Keep this trembling feeling, hug me

You came to me with the wind like the swaying flowers
You opened my eyes, I love you
My heart hurts when I see you, It’s alright, it’s love
My flawed heart and my love Will you accept it? Me?
Love me, I love you Oh love

Pure Happiness

There are a few times in my life where I've felt pure happiness. Not happiness felt with others but when you're alone.

It's that feeling when you step outside, the sky is blue, and the sun is shining down on you. Your body feels the sunlight caressing your skin and it warms you up as you walk aimlessly or wherever you need to go. A smile slowly forms on your face while you lift your head and inhale the cool air. You walk with music playing in your ears and a skip in your stride. 

Everything feels perfect. 

Even this iced matcha green tea latte won't help...

I'm tired and frustrated at the world right now but that's because I slept at 4 or 5AM last night and woke up at 9:30 for mass. I was gonna sleep in the afternoon, but that'd wreck my sleeping schedule so I pushed myself to work on homework.

I'll post something after I finish reading my homework assignment, take a nice, warm, steamy shower, and put on a face mask. It's about something I've been wanting to blog about for a while but I was too busy or didn't feel like it at the time. And it's about I don't really mention about here:
Religion. 

Freedom

It's late. I have to wake up at 6:30AM to get ready and catch the Muni around 7:30-7:45. I have a discussion to prepare for a class I have at 9.

But I had another mental breakdown. And I finally admitted to myself that I'm depressed again.

There's two reasons why but it all comes down to one main problem: Restriction.

I'm like a bird in a cage. Each metal rod restrains me from flying out to freedom, where I can explore the world and become my own person. I could think for myself, have control of my actions, and achieve success on my own terms. I want to be in control of my body and thoughts. I want to be responsible for my life. I want freedom. But it's difficult to do all of it when there's something holding you back, especially when there's more than one.

I took way too many classes my freshman year of college and it was a lot for me. Now I have a shitty GPA. I know I could've done better. I'm ashamed for not going through with what was best for me.

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Feeling inadequate. This is where my low self-esteem comes in. Ok, I have a somewhat high self-esteem when it come to my physical features like my body. I love my body. But when it comes to my own mentality of how I see myself as a person, it's get depressing. I compare myself to a lot of people. Sometimes it's because one person is doing something better than me or because I feel unworthy of someone whether it be being a daughter or a friend. The first one is something I kinda let go. The second one is more of the issue. It bothers me because how some people deserve to be around people better than me. I question why people that are so amazing at doing so much in life talk to or hang around someone like me. I don't go to a private university or a UC. I'm lagging behind some of my former classmates with significant life achievements such as getting a license or a job or an internship. I'm kinda book smart? Kinda... I've never been in a relationship. Every single guy I liked rejected me. I'm just eh. I haven't done much compared to my other friends.

My parents have been the ones making or influencing almost all of my academic decisions. It's the whole thing with them saying that they know what's best for me. But honestly, it's not. I'm not close to my parents so they don't really know what works best for me. Whenever I talk to my parents, it mostly ends up in criticism and it gets on my nerves every time. They can't trust me with what I think works best for me so how can I trust them with their decisions for me? Don't get me wrong. I love my parents. But they hold me back, especially since family is so important to me. When I get mad at my dad for making me feel horrible about how I'm lagging behind my friends and former classmates, I let it go because he's still my father. When I get mad at my mom for not trusting me whenever I hang out with my friends, I let it go eventually because she's my mother. I know they've sacrificed a lot for my siblings and I to get this far in life. So why do I still listen to them despite it affecting a lot of my life decisions? Because I feel in-debt to them. A lot happened in my family. There were some times when it felt like it was falling apart because someone was being selfish, arrogant, and inconsiderate (I hate that person with a burning passion. I hate that person so much, I want that person to burn in Hell for what that person did to my family). But they fixed things because of the kids. They knew that we needed support from both parents. Knowing everything that happened in my family's drama, listening to my parents yelling, breaking things, and smashing holes into the wall, and comforting my siblings during the aftermath of intense arguing from my parents, I know that letting go of my parents will be the most difficult for me to become free.

It's late. It's almost 2:30. I need to sleep so I can wake up at 6:30 to work on my discussion.

Daydreamer

I think about a lot of things. Very rarely, I'll daydream about something pleasant. So I'll talk about how I daydream and what I think about when I do.

I love being in places that are quiet and full of sunlight. Listening to music in a sunny and quiet area helps set the calm mood. The library is the best place for me to daydream because it's quiet and full of windows that bring in natural light into the room. It doesn't matter what kind of music I listen to. The music determines what kind of daydream I want.

So what do I daydream about? Well, there's a lot to cover but I'll give some examples.

When I like someone:
There's a warm and cozy feeling to it, filled with smiles and hugs. Something that always comes up when I daydream about that person is when I hug him. Ahhhhh... hugs. I personally think that hugs are better than kisses. Back hugs are my favorite. I think they're really cute. Besides, they can lead to something sweet or something more. Hehe...

When I feel nostalgic:
I'm happy, confident, and a free person. They're mostly daydreams about dancing with KDT again. I'm feeling cute, sexy, or badass af. Man, I miss those days. Everyone is laughing, we're all supporting each other, and roasting everyone at the same time. It's important to have people like that in your life. They help make life worth living.

When I feel sad:
My chest feels heavy and I feel lonely. I'm expecting someone to embrace me and tell me that everything will be ok while I cry in that person's arms. But it never happens. I can't do anything in that moment. My mind is clouded with whatever I'm thinking about. Sometimes I let out a long sigh or feel the burning tension in my eyes.

Lonely Nights

Whenever I feel sad or an overwhelming moment of depression, I like to sit or lay still and feel it. It helps a lot because I don't have anyone to talk to about my thoughts. They're too dark and depressing. No one would be able to understand why I think this way or why I have these thoughts.

I forced myself to cry in the shower today. I knew that something was bothering me. But I kept pushing it in the back of my mind. I knew I wanted to cry it all out before but I couldn't at the moment. So then I cried today.

The warm water felt like a warm embrace, something that I miss and need. Something to tell me that I'll get over it. Something to tell me that everything will be ok. Something to tell me that I'll be ok.

Maybe that's why I sleep with two heavy blankets, three pillows, and a plushie.

Highlight - It's Still Beautiful

Sometimes a mental break is a must.

I know I could've done way better my freshman year of college. I did so much more my junior and senior years of high school. I was in an active dance team, kept up with 20 hours of community service per semester, maintained my GPA to a 3.5, and dealt with unnecessary drama and emotions. This also includes the stuff that happens in a dance teams such as weekday and weekend practices, practices I do on my own time, meetings for the dance team, socials/bonding events, and a number of performances that take up a majority of my day and energy. My schedule basically revolved around my dance team lol. Compared to my freshman year of college, all I did was occasionally go to dance practice, attend meetings for the kpop club that were at least once per month, occasionally met up with my friends, go to class, had emotional problems, and dealt with a problematic roommate. I wasn't really busy. So what happened?

I was mentally exhausted. 

The reason why I could keep up with all that in high school was because of my dance team. The happiness I felt while sacrificing my personal time and energy was worth it. I call it a physical-to-emotional investment. I allocated a portion of my physical effort and time in order to be a part of the team. In return, this huge chunk of satisfaction and happiness I received helped me maintain my hectic schedule tremendously. Investments kinda work like this right? I dunno. I'm not a business major LOL

I was missing that one key component which mentally helped me keep up with everything. To be honest, I was pretty depressed for the most part of my freshman year. When I had my mental breakdowns or when life was feeling pretty shitty at the moment, I didn't have anyone to talk to most of the time. It was either because I was mad at this person, this person was too busy to talk, this person wouldn't understand and would judge me for feeling this way, or because I wasn't close enough to this person. I cried on the rooftop of my apartment a few times, in the shower where no one could hear or see me crying, and most of the time on my desk. Sometimes I cried myself to sleep because something was bothering me so much, I couldn't sleep. And when I cried enough, I fell asleep. I did a lot of crying this year now that I think about it. 

I felt lonely most of the time. When one of my close friends messaged me, I'd get so excited because it meant that I could interact with someone. I think there were some days where I didn't open my mouth to speak because I didn't have anyone to talk to. I mean, technically I could talk to anyone but they were problems that were too personal.

I had a few migraines which meant that I was pretty stressed out. Like damn I had some bad migraines. Some of them to the extent of me skipping class because I felt like passing out and throwing up at the same with a pulsing pain on the left side of my head.

There were some moments when I needed a hug. Right now would be one of them. 

Uneasiness

I knew that something was bothering me when I stepped into the shower today and stood there longer than I should. I had this uneasy feeling about something today. I took a shower after I ate breakfast hoping that it would calm myself down.

I undressed and stepped into the steamy shower. Droplets of hot water touched my body and I felt relieved for a bit. But that uneasy feeling was slowly creeping back. It made me feel weak, vulnerable, and pity for myself. It reminded me of all the unreasonable negativity that I wanted to forget about. I knew that there was a logical explanation to them. I knew that there was a chance to do better. I knew I had to get over it. But they clouded my mind.

My hands ran through the wet strands of hair a few times. I faced the shower head, intertwined my fingers together, and placed them behind my neck. The hot water running down my face didn't help. So I went on and washed my hair and body. 

I knew this uneasy feeling would pass eventually. I went though my day with it lurking in the back of my mind, waiting for it to go away. But it was more like waiting for something to happen to make it go away. 

Late Bloomer

I'm late to a lot of things. Church, dance practice, lectures, assignment submissions, and meet ups with my friends. But guess what? I'm also late to my own character development.

I call myself a late bloomer because a lot of my life changing decisions and events are pretty last minute haha. I had a slight glow-up after high school (It was the glasses lol), decided to change my major from Nursing to Medicine this year, and I'm currently trying to work on controlling my mood swings because they're the worse.

I identify myself as an independent person because I like to be in control of my own actions and decisions. But yah know I'm not fully independent because I still rely on my parents for food and money lol. I'm fresh out of high school. It's understandable I guess hehe... Because I suddenly have all this independence living away from my parents, I realized that it'll take me a while to adjust and grow up. I'm surprised that I survived this far in a city AND in college honestly. I've had my number of bad times but everyone gets those.

So from now on, I'm gonna keep myself on task and I'll become harder on myself again.

I fucked up my freshman year of college but I can't do anything about it. It's over and all that I can do is improve.

Dear Grandpa and Grandma,

Hello there! I'm writing a letter to my grandparents. I honestly don't know how to start off honestly LOL There's so much I want to say so I'll just type it out here and copy and paste it onto Word, print it, and then send it to them. They helped my family and I in so many ways. I honestly don't know how to repay them back for all the kindness and love they gave to me. I'm hoping that becoming a doctor will make them proud.

So, here it is.

Dear Grandpa and Grandma,

Hello! I hope that you two have been healthy and doing well lately. It's that spring season right now when the weather's been having its good and bad days. Spring has its surprises like the weather. I hope the weather is pleasant where you two are.

I want to thank both of you for and helping my family and I with love and support, especially with the checks. College is very expensive haha. I really appreciate the words that were also in the letters with the checks. Something that I like to think about is that: Money is a consumer item that can be no longer be used after it's gone. Words can be used over and over again because they sometimes hold a sentimental value which is something that can't be measured, even with money. They have the power to inspire and create change.

San Francisco has taught me so much about life. I feel like I'm growing up and maturing the more time I spend here. Living in San Francisco and being a student at San Francisco State University taught me more than what's in the textbook or during 8AM lectures or in labs. I discovered more about myself and what I want out of life.

I spend at lot of my time going downtown or exploring more of San Francisco. It expanded my world a little bit since I would normally be tied down to wherever my parents went or where my friends wanted to hang out. But being on my own in college, I had the freedom to go around and be by myself. It was a good feeling of independence. Not the rebellious or empowerment kind but a sense of self. I become more aware of myself and my surroundings.

I also had time to think about my future occupation. At first I was settled with Nursing because I realized how much I love to learn about everything that relates to medicine, specifically with neurology. I became fascinated with how the nervous system works, especially the human brain. There's still so much more to discover about it.

Being the ambitious person that I am, I wondered if it was possible for me to become a doctor, specifically a neurosurgeon. I believe that I have the potential to do so, but I need to get my life together and decide if whether or not I want to choose this career. I gave the idea some thought and I chose to do my best to become a neurosurgeon. There will be a lot of sacrifices to make but I think it'll be worth it in the long run. Besides, working in the medical field goes along with my personal morals so that I wouldn't feel guilty about what I do for a living.

So now I've said everything about my experience in San Francisco so far. I have no regrets coming to San Francisco State. It really is the perfect school for me as a college undergrad. Thank you both again for supporting me and loving me throughout my life. I hope to make you both and my family proud someday!

With love,

Melissa

Mmmm...

Helloooo~

Yes I know, I haven't written anything in over more than a month. But that's because I've been trying to get my life together. A lot has happened lately. I moved to a new apartment, finals are coming up, my grades are slightly getting better, I yelled at a member from my dance team, had a mental breakdown, and yeah...

Mmmm... My blog feels unorganized but I'll fix everything when I have time.  I need to organize my life first (or at least try to).

Unstable

Ah. I'm having those days again. Rushing my assignments, cramming for exams, running to class.

I skipped English again because I found out that I didn't have the papers in order to turn in my final draft. It's already the third time. I can't skip again.

So then I decided to go to the gym today and dance for about an hour. It felt so good to dance again. I practiced for the upcoming performance that's next week. I think I'm gonna be ok. I just need to seriously get my life together.

My life is unstable.

Caffeine-Driven

Well, I had a lot of caffeine today. Wednesdays are my busiest day of the week and yet I'm still up. At least I know that the coconut coffee and my caffeinated vitamin drink are still working.

Omg. I thought that my midterm for econ was next week but I found out that it was yesterday LOL. So I rushed and studied my best hehe. I found out my study method for econ. All I have to do is read the book and actually complete the homework LOL. Normally, I would copy down the lecture notes onto a notebook but that method hasn't been successful in terms of actually remembering information. Plus, my professor for econ just sucks at making powerpoints. So I'll just go to class from now on and try to read the material beforehand. The midterm was ok but a bit more on the harder side. But it was still ok. I liked the problems that had math involved.

I'm still thinking about taking calculus next year. Math and science are so fascinating to me. This guy in my oral comm. class delivered his second speech about his passion for physics and was talking about a book called A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking. He was explaining about how significant the book is to him. Then he went on about the speed of light, gravity, and quantum physics. Like woah. That shit's fucking cool.

I'm more of a medical person because I think that medicine, learning more about the human body, and its physiology is fascinating. It's like learning more about yourself and other people but on a more physical-medical way with more complicated things that occur automatically inside you and terms that are more Latin and Greek. But as the ambitious and curious person that I am, I love to learn about new interesting things. As you can tell, more on the math and science stuff.

My notebook for my microbio lab is due tomorrow and I still haven't written anything in it yet lol. But yah know, it's ok.

I'm good.

Cogito ergo sum.

This week has been so tiring lately. There's so much that I'm thinking about right now. Overthinking is something that I do almost all the time. Seriously. There's so much going on in my head, I'm astounded to how I'm still sane.

Ever since I stopped talking to him, I started accepting my overthinking habits. Well, the thing about it, I don't want to call my thinking process as "overthinking" anymore because no matter what, overthinking is still thinking. There's just more thought involved and I see no problem to that.

Why am I suddenly accepting my thinking process?

Because I think it's beautiful.

Thinking a lot helps me become aware of everything whether they are explicit or inferred. I'm always aware of myself as who I am, my physical surroundings, and inferred situations such as knowing that something is wrong without being told that something is.

In relation to that, it led me to become a more observant and curious person. I noticed that small moments in life are just as important as the big ones. They're small but do happen frequently compared to significant moments that occur once in a while. I also find it nice when someone notices the small things about my life. To me, it shows that the person really does care and pay attention to you because it's difficult to remember the small details about people.

See. To some people, it seems as if I'm overthinking about life. But honestly, without giving anything much thought, there wouldn't be much advancement in humanity. A lot of the everyday tasks, objects that we use, and everything that is in our lives right now wouldn't have been in existence if it we didn't give a lot of thought to them.

Selfies and many more of them

It's been a while since I've had some good vibes. Selfies bring me good vibes because they make me feel pretty. So here yah go. Some good vibes with my face in makeup. One of my roommates did it~ She's so kewls~~

Stress, stress, and more stress.

My hands feel like they're slightly burning from rubbing them against each other. I see tiny bumps on my hands filled with clear liquid. I tried my best to avoid scratching them because I'd end up with hands covered in blood and scars. 

You see, I have dyshidrosis or also known as dyshidrotic eczema. It's a skin condition that creates small blister-like bumps appear on my hands and can occur on the feet too. I have it on my hands. There's this intense itch that occurs sometimes and if I do end up itching, I end up scratching off my skin and maybe some tissue underneath it with blood coming out of the scratches. The next day after that mess happens, I end up with these ugly scars on my fingers and hands and my hands would feel a sharp stinging if my hand was exposed to water. 

Now how does stress and eczema relate? Well, the eczema that I have can be caused by stress and my eczema flares up when I'm stressed out. Therefore, I'm stressed out af right now. 

Oh yeah,  the eczema I have isn't curable. Sucks for me. But it's ok, it's only hereditary. 

And you know what causes my stress? Overthinking. And yes, I am currently overthinking about a lot of things. 

My fucking hands really itch my goodness. It's so bad...

I also had a migraine a few days ago too and that was caused by a sudden change of my sleeping pattern AND stress.

So yes I really do need to stop overthinking because it affects my mental and physical health. 

But yah know, to all those people that also overthink to my extent, it won't go away no matter how hard you try. 

I need to relax and destress myself from life.

Hot Showers

I have way too much on my mind to work on my homework. So then I decided to take a hot shower to calm down.

After washing my hair and my body, I let the warm water fall onto my face and stood there for a few seconds. Then I turned around and felt the water on my tense back. 

I twisted the two silver knobs to the right and the water stopped flowing from the shower head. I stood there for a few moments and thought about how much is going through my head. Jealously, disappointment, and loneliness. Just a few of the many unwanted emotions that I wanted to throw away.

I grabbed my towel that was hanging on the pole that was holding the shower curtain and did the best I could to dry off my body. For some weird reason, I pressed my back against the cold tiles. Of course my body flinched against the sudden cold feeling, but I kept moving my back closer and closer until I felt my entire back touching the tiles while holding my towel to my chest. The adrenaline kicked in and thought to myself, "I miss this feeling." 

I took my towel and wrapped it around my hair so that the water from my hair wouldn't drip on my body. I left the tub and stepped onto the shower mat to dry my feet. The bathroom was warm and steamy. 

I wish I could've stayed there for hours and hours. It was nice to think about something pleasant and calming. The warm feeling was something I needed lately. 

Emotionally tired

I'm really hungry right now but I'll get up and cook food when I feel that I really need it.

It's one of those nights. Expecting a lot but end up feeling disappointed. The feeling bothers me a lot, especially since it's hard for me to concentrate or I guess do anything like eating. I'm laying here in bed feeling lonely, tired, and disappointed. Maybe next time I'll be on the roof of my apartment looking at the view. Probably tomorrow afternoon. I dunno.

I hate Valentine's Day.

Well, that horrid day is coming up so why not have a post about my opinions and feelings about it?

Yes, I fucking hate Valentine's Day. This post will be I guess a collection of how I feel about it, how I deal with "I like you" feelings, and I guess some other stuff related to romantic love (which I think is stupid for me personally but I'll get to that later on).

Ok. Why do I hate Valentine's Day? Well, let's start off with knowing that I always contradict myself because of how open-minded I am. I'm not saying that to show off honestly. Sometimes, being open-minded sucks and confusing. I hate Valentine's Day because it reminds me of how lonely and single I am.

I do say that I love being single because there's no one to hold me back from doing what I want, but then being single with a crush fucking sucks because for me, I know that things will never happen between us. So then my way of coping with the fact that I know that he doesn't like me back is saying that I love being single over and over till I do feel like being single is fun. At times it does work with those feelings pushed way back in my mind, hoping that I would ignore it and not think about it. However, it's still there even though I try to keep it off my mind. Even if I hide it, it's still there but hidden. It won't go away unless if I do something about it. But nah, I'll just maintain how things are even though I know that I'm gonna get hurt in the future and that I'm too scared to deal with them because of the unknown of what will happen.

Yeah, to be honest, I would like to be in a relationship but the thing with me and my emotions LOL. Not fun. I get jealous very easily because of how much I overthink. I've been so jealous to the point of wanting to go up and punch the person I'm mad at. But I avoid being violent about it and vent instead.

I really hate having feelings for someone. I want to go back to those days when I didn't have someone on my mind almost 24/7. But nah my feelings just can't with the concept of completely ignoring those "I like you" feelings even for a day. Like shit man, I didn't ask for this.

It hurts a lot. I'm so fucking tired of feeling disappointed, jealous, and I guess heart-broken in general. I really am scared of ending up lonely. I know that I can be single and make money for myself. but that's only for my physical needs to stay alive. I feel like I give a lot of love but then I never receive the same amount back. I say that's ok, it's better to give than to receive. But it emotionally drains me. Sometimes I want someone to show the same love for me as I do with the other.

It's never going to happen though LOL. I know it for sure. Romantic love is stupid and pointless for me. I'm only saying that to comfort myself though. I'm scared to open myself to my feelings to the guy because the last few times I did that, I ended up being an emotional and depressed mess. I would sleep for most of the day after I come home from school and barely eat dinner. And if I did eat dinner, I'd barely eat anything. Like a few bites and then go up to my bed and sleep.

The only time I'm ok with romantic love is with K-dramas LOL. Yes, I know. Weird. But it fills that empty void of how what it's like to be in love. Yes, I know it's not the same but it's something. It's either that or nothing.

I'll end this with a quote. And yes, it's from a K-pop song. Wow what a surprise lol.

"돌아보지 말고 떠나가라. 또 나를 찾지말고 살아가라. Don’t look back and leave, don’t find me again and just live on. Because I have no regrets from loving you, so only take the good memories." - Big Bang, Haru Haru (하루하루)

More about me pt. 10

470 - citychicksurveys

What's your favorite thing about spring?
Flowers~~~

Do you consider yourself unique?
Yeah, I think I'm kinda interesting...

Have you ever tried belly dancing? If so, did you like it?
No I've never tried belly dancing but I would love to try it. I know how to move my hips and body roll soooo yeh.

How do you wear your hair?
If I wash my hair, I leave it down because it takes a while for it to dry. If I don't wash my hair, then in a ponytail with a big hair clip to hold it or wrap it in a bun and hold it up with a big hair clip. I have really long hair. I think it reaches my butt.

Ever consider going out with someone 7-9 years older than you?
Uh no.

Have you ever played the sims 3? If so, how is it?
Never played it.

Thoughts on Nicki Minaj?
She's cool.

Algebra is hard. Agree?
Nah. Well, it is for me if I don't review what I just learned in class. I like math but I'm too lazy to go over it LOL

Do you respect other's religions?
Yeup. You do you boo~

Are extensions a waste of money?
What kind of extensions? lol

Did you know some guy is in a relationship with his car?
Yeah... I mean... If he's happy then ok good for him.

Have you ever heard of Balance and Composure?
That sounds like a yoga pose lol.

What are things you do when you're nervous?
Stutter and blush a bit.

Do you like going out to eat?
Yeah but everything in San Francisco is expensive af.

Do you like drugs? Favorites?
Nah. I'm good.

What would you name your first son and daughter?
I dunno.

Favorite feature on the member of the opposite sex?
Legs. If a guy has nice muscular legs, then he has a nice butt :D

If you could travel anywhere, where to?
South Korea or Japan, mainly for the food.

If you had a superpower, what would it be?
To be invisible. Free trips to places~~

The drink you would order at a bar?
Some cocktail if I'm with friends. But if I'm drinking by myself because I'm depressed about something, then some hard liquor.

What is something that you really don't like?
Ignorance.

If you had to change your name, what would it be?
Alexandra.

You can only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what is it?
I really don't know.

What position do you normally sleep in?
On my right side.

Were you a part of any clique in high school?
Yeah. I was a part of the dancing clique. Not really much of a clique though because dancers were also in other cliques. Yeah, we're pretty well-rounded.

Do you wish to travel a lot?
Yeah, that'd be cool.

Have you ever given blood?
Nope. I'm too skinny and there's probably high amounts of glucose and lipids in my blood lol.

Do you like the way you grew up?
Kinda. There were some traumatic moments.

Would you prefer to read or write poetry?
Write.

Where did you grow up?
Milpitas, CA.

What's the last thing you watched on TV?
I don't know. I don't watch TV that often.

When is your birthday?
May 31st.

Do you wear glasses?
Yeup.

It's lonely in the city

The city life is great but once in a while, it gets lonely here. SFSU is a commuter school which means that everyone comes and goes. Everyone's busy doing something. Because everyone's busy, people don't have time to hang out. 

It's not the full college experience I expected. Well, I'm experiencing a majority of it, but at times it gets lonely. Like right now. I try to distract myself from it with homework or browsing through Youtube videos.

I dunno how to explain it. It's a thing with commuter schools. You have to experience it to know what it's like. I still love the city life, but it gets lonely at times.

First impressions of second semester

Well shit I'm tired. It could be because I'm still recovering from Sunday night but wow I already had homework the first day of class. Then it built up to more homework from today. And now I feel like crap because I'm also going to try and achieve my New Years resolution which is to get a better butt. Meh. It deflated after I stopped dancing in KDT. So I decided to take the stairs instead of the elevator from now on. But one of my classes is on the 5th floor. And I live on the 10th floor.

The things I do to have a nice butt...sigh...

I'm really scared about my oral communications class instead of macroeconomics. I'm that scared of public speaking. I have a lot of cringy-worthy moments of me tragically failing at speaking in front of an audience. Ugh.

My winter break so far

Hello hello there~ As you can tell from the double hello, I'm in a good mood now. My dad might come downstairs and tell me to go to bed anytime soon but I felt like blogging for a bit (even though I was distracted with Facebook and Youtube videos lol.)

So, my winter break so far was chill and memorable. I wasn't in the holiday-Christmas spirit because it felt pretty lonely. Well, you can tell from the posts from around that time heh. But yes, I didn't feel that Christmas spirit. It was a bitter and lonely holiday despite being around friends and family. 

Tragically, I caught symptoms of the flu but thankfully I was still able to hang out with my friends even with the horrid cough I had with my faith in medication and willpower. You know the thing I noticed, I felt worse staying in bed than going out and moving around while I was sick. So, the lesson I learned from it is to try and be as active as possible when you're sick. I had a hard time getting up from the bed at first because my body was aching all over but then I forced myself to get up and stretch and move around a bit because I wanted to get better and also hang out with my friends. Yup, willpower is also a must in getting better. Also medication but I won't go into further detail because that would take paragraphs and a few hours for that explanation. 

I watched a movie with my friends and hung out at the mall for a bit. I swear one of my best friends is amazing at DDR. That'd be cool if I could have amazing footwork like that when dancing but then I also heard that dancers suck at DDR sooooo nah. LOL 

At the end of the night, I had that talk with my other best friend that I really wanted because there was a situation that was bothering me for a while. It went pleasant and fine surprisingly. At first it was a bit awkward starting things because it was difficult for me to say what I wanted to talk about. There were some quiet moments and more awkward moments but all went well and now our friendship is fine~ I thought that I'd be more emotional but everything turned out fine. 

Few days after, I hung out with the same best friend that I had the talk with and went out for some pho (Well I had pho, he didn't) and a Starbucks brownie for dessert. It was chill~ Then some other stuff happened and uh, let's just say that I'm growing up LOL. I had my first kiss (Yes I know, really late but I've never had a boyfriend before so whatever). It was soft. LOL That's all I can say honestly. I'm fine with him being my first kiss even though I expected it to be with my first boyfriend. It's from someone that I really care about and trust so I'm completely fine with it. But the other stuff hehe was nice. I don't want it to be too NSFW with the description but let's just say that it felt amazing. Rough too but I like it rough if yah know what I mean ;) We're still friends though. There were some things that weren't said and I misinterpreted them as something else so it's ok, I understand. That's why healthy communication is a thing. We kewls :3 

Then more chill days with getting over my cough and gaining the weight that I lost from getting sick. I lost four pounds when I had symptoms of the flu. I freaked out a bit after the nurse weighed me when I had my check up because I like to maintain 100-105 lbs as my weight. It's a bit light even for a short person like me but it's good to have something to hold onto if yah know what I mean ;) 

My cousin came over and visited my family for a bit and now she's back at Berkeley since she starts school next week. She made Rice Krispies and also made ones that had matcha. I ate a lot of them. Like an unhealthy amount XD But it's ok, I have a fast metabolism~ 

My lower back has been hurting for a while because I've been leaning over to pull my grandma up for me to feed her and to change her diaper. It's been hurting a bit sometimes so I've been in need of a massage there. I asked my sister to massage me there since she gives good massages to my parents, her former coach, and volleyball teammates but I dunno, I get so ticklish when she tried to massage me. The only massage I got from someone and didn't feel ticklish was from one of my best friend (The dude with the talk and the other stuff lol). Like I dunno I just don't freak out. I tried massaging my back myself and it kinda worked but it also felt like some things that are too inappropriate to put down here so I stopped LOL I'm probably gonna ask him to give me another massage later on if my back hurts at that time. 

So as of now, I'm waiting for my sister's Lunar Show performance with KDT at her school to come up. I'm so proud of KDT and how much they've grown. I miss my KDT babies <3 

Life is chill at the moment (Please be chill till my break ends. I'm gonna cry about macroeconomics.) and I'm taking in all the clean air before I go back to San Francisco in a few weeks and the cheap food because everything in San Francisco is expensive. Even the concert tickets. Well, I'm only interested in K-pop concerts but they're mainly held in big cities like LA, New York, and SF. But since it's an international thing, ticket prices are crazy. I wanted to go to the CL concert with a friend of mine but tickets were $90 ;__; There's an upcoming HyunA concert in March but tickets are $89 for general admission ;__; K-pop hurts my wallet but it's ok. It also makes me happy ~(^o^)~

Questionnaire love

I just found a tumblr blog full of surveys/questionnaires. 

*heavy breathing* I love questionnaires. 

Here's the link if yah wanna check it out: http://citychicksurveys.tumblr.com/

Have fun~

More about me pt. 9

i dare you! - no-room-forthis-princess

1. Who do you like?
LOL. No comment.

2. Have you ever had sex?
Nope. Still a virgin and will be for the rest of my life lol.

3. What's your favorite color?
Green~

4. How old are you?
18.

5. What do you like about the person you have a crush on? (physical)
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I like his eye smile.

6. What do you like about the person you have a crush on? (personality)
Ummmmmmmmm well there's a lot. He's really smart, can make me laugh, caring but low-key I guess about it, and this other thing but it's really inappropriate LOOOL

7. Ever cheated?
No because I've never been in a relationship.

8. Ever been cheated on?
No again because I've never been in a relationship.

9. 5 things you don't like about yourself?
I overthink, procrastinate, am a very emotional person, am very needy for attention at times, and can't focus well.

10. Ever spent the night at a boy's house?
Nope. I don't think I ever will so lol.

11. How old are you and what was the age of the oldest crush you've kissed?
18 to both lol.

12. Ever been in love?
Yah. It fucking sucks cuz it's hopeless for me. Oh well. I'm gonna stay single my entire life anyway.

13. Ever been depressed to the point of not coming out of your room?
Oh yeah. Plenty of times. All I do is sleep and not eat for hours.

14. What school year are you?
Freshman in college.

15. Relationship status?
Single and fabulous~

More about me pt. 8

Reverse questionnaire - tell me about yourselves! - marcksman

A: Favorite film?
Tangled.

B: Favorite food?
Sushi~

C: Dream profession?
Neurosurgeon. I'm still thinking about going into medicine instead of nursing...

D: What kinds of music do you listen to?
K-pop, Hip Hop, Rap, and R&B generally. But I have an interest in almost every genre. Almost.

E: Where would you go, if you could go anywhere?
Anywhere in a city. I love to walk around new places.

F: Primary fandom?
K-pop fandom LOL Then there's the fandoms within the K-pop fandoms and I'm in a lot of K-pop fandoms LOOOOL

G: What's something you love about yourself?
I'm a very caring person.

H: Do you have a "type" of people you're attracted to?
People that like K-pop, are chill, and smart.

I: Favorite color?
Greeeeeeeeen :D

J: Pet peeve?
People that aren't open-minded.

K: Favorite animal?
Hamster :3

L: What do you do to keep entertained?
I like to dance to K-pop dances, watch kdramas, and watch videos on youtube.

M: What do you do to cheer up?
Dance~~~~

N: What do you do to cheer up others?
Huh. Well, the more I think about it, I dunno. It's different based on the person and the situation.

O: What would you see yourself as if you weren't human?
A cat or a hamster LOL

P: What's a happy memory?
Performing on stage with KDT <3

Q: Favorite holiday?
Um... I really don't have one because I grew out of the holiday spirit with I think every holiday. I dunno. Every holiday is like "meh" to me...

R: Present, past, or future?
I'm more of a present person. In the present, you are affected by your past and everything you do now will affect the future.

S: Favorite weather?
Sunny~~~~

T: Favorite book?
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

U: What do you consider your best quality?
Being able to cheer up others.

V: Something cool about one of your body parts (including hair, scars, anything on your body at all)?
I dyed my hair twice.

W: Are you introverted or extroverted?
It depends on the situation.

X: How do you learn best?
If the professor or teacher has lectures with info that will be on future exams. It forces me to do my work LOL

Y: What is your favorite thing about life, right now or ever?
I had fried chicken for dinner. I haven't had fried chicken in months. I had a slight foodgasm heh...

Z: How are you?
Craving chocolate hehehe...

It drifts away in a few minutes...

Sometimes I overthink happiness away since I do it often. I sit and think about a lot of scenarios and slowly bring myself into sadness.

It happens a lot... I can't help it though. I'm used to thinking like that for myself but not for others. I'm more optimistic with others. 

Snapchat trash

I've become snapchat trash because of peer pressure from my sister LOL

These filters give me life.

More about me pt. 7

Hella cute questions - questionnaireobsession

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?
Either my dad or sister at church lol

2. Are you outgoing or shy?
It really depends on the situation for me.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?
My friends from sfsu~

4. Are you easy to get along with?
Yeah, I'm pretty an easy going person.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?
Honestly, I think so... I hope so... But I'm not that difficult to deal with when I get drunk lol

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?
People that are really chill and also like kpop LOL

7. Do you think you'll be in a relationship two months from now?
HAHAHA. Hell no.

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?
This guy that I like lol

9. Does taking about sex make you feel uncomfortable?
Depends on who I'm talking to LOL

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
My Utah friend.

11. What does your most recent text say?
"Waaaaow LOL"

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?
EXID - LIE
Hyorin ft. Jay Park - One Step
Neyo - Sexy Love
Chancellor ft. Dok2 - Murda
Chancellor ft. Lyn - Surrender

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?
Yeah cuz it's pretty long.

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?
Yeup~

15. What good thing happened this summer?
I'm friends again with this guy that I had problems with for like a majority of my second semester of senior year in high school. Ugh. I hated that semester. Kinda. KDT made it bearable <3

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
FINALLY NOT A LIP VIRGIN ANYMORE YEEEEEY and hell yes I would :3

17. Do you think there's life on other planets?
Yeup. If there's life on this planet, then for sure on others too.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?
Nah. He was an asshole to me back in elementary school. But we talked at my reunion picnic from my private school days. It's cool.

19. Do you like bubble baths?
Yes~ I love bubble baths :3

20. Do you like your neighbors?
Well I don't like one of my roommates in my apartment LOL

21. What are your bad habits?
Overthinking and procrastinating.

22. Where would you like to travel?
Now that I live in San Francisco, I would love to travel to big cities like New York or Tokyo or Seoul. I love the city life.

23. Do you have trust issues?
Yeup. I'm picky with who I trust.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?
Sleeping and eating.

25. What part of your body are you the most uncomfortable with?
My hands. They're so scarred from my eczema.

26. What do you do when you wake up?
Hit the snooze button.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?
Neither. I love my skin~

28. Who are you most comfortable around?
My friends.

29. Have any of your ex's told you they regret breaking up?
PFFFF PLZ. I've never been in a relationship...

30. Do you ever want to get married?
Honestly yes but I don't think I will be so I already accepted that and already satisfied with being independent.

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?
I think you mean *Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? And yes it is. I think it reaches my butt.

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?
So I'm not into threesomes because I like things to be intimate one-on-one but if I would, then Bobby from iKON and S.Coups from Seventeen.

33. Spell your name with your chin.
mjel8iwsswas Close enough lol

34. Do you play sports? What sports?
Ew no I don't do sports.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?
I don't watch TV anymore so obviously TV.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?
Like right now with the guy I like so yeah lol

37. What do you say during awkward silences?
Nothing.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?
Mmm... A guy that can make mentally stimulate me. Someone that can make me smile, have intellectual and deep conversations with, and is open-minded. Oh and I really like dorky smart guys. Intelligence is a big turn on for me.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?
Hot Topic, Papaya, Forever 21, and Express.

40. What do you want to do after high school?
I already graduated lol

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
If the other person wants to have a second chance then yes.

42. If you're being extremely quiet, what does it mean?
I'm either sad about something and I'm overthinking or imagining some random scenario.

43. Do you smile at strangers?
At times yes.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?
Bottom of the ocean. At least you won't run out of food or water and you'll probably be able to find shelter somewhere if you get lost.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?
My hunger and the fact that I'm spending thousands of dollars to get a degree.

46. What are you paranoid about?
My shitty GPA lol

47. Have you ever been high?
Second-hand when I accidentally inhaled a shit load of smoke from weed. I live in San Francisco. It was bound to happen someday.

48. Have you ever been drunk?
Yes. I'm the emotional drunk LOL

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?
From the top of my head nope.

50. What was the color of the last hoodie you wore?
Black.

51. Ever wished you were someone else?
Yeah but it just came as a thought. Not really much of a desire.

52. One things you could change about yourself?
To get rid of my procrastination problem LOL

53. Favorite makeup brand?
Kat Von D. I'm in love with her liquid lip stuff <3

54. Favorite store?
I don't think I have a favorite store...

55. Favorite blog?
I don't have one.

56. Favorite color?
Greeeeeeen :3

57. Favorite food?
Sushi~

58. Last thing you ate?
Mcdonalds

59. First thing you ate this morning?
Oatmeal with chocolate.

60. Ever won a competition? For what?
Yes I have twice for the same competition. I got two of my poems published in elementary school. Go me.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?
Nah I'm a good kid. I'm not that stupid.

62. Been arrested? For what?
Nothing. (So far LOL jk)

63. Ever been in love?
Eh it really depends on the person's definition of love. Yeah for me, it sucks lol. For other people, I'm happy for those people that are in love. As for me, nah. I think that love is stupid for me. I can't see myself in a relationship after going through shit. But I'm ok with it. I'm accepting reality. I'll never be in a relationship and it's fine.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?
Uh. All I'm gonna say is that it was in a car and felt AMAZING along with other things besides the kiss ;)

65. Are you hungry right now?
Nope.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?
Nope. Sorry Tumblr friends...

67. Facebook or Twitter?
Facebook.

68. Twitter or Tumblr?
Tumblr.

69. Are you watching TV right now?
Nah. I don't watch TV that often.

70. Names of your best friends?
Uh nah.

71. Craving something? What?
Korean food~

72. What color are your towels?
A rainbow of colors~

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?
Waow the original poster messed up on the numbering LOL Two normally.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
I didn't before but I do now :3

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?
I think 7, not including my Link "plush". It's not soft at all.

75. Favorite animal?
Hamster~

76. What color is your underwear?
Hot pink.

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?
Vanilla.

78. Favorite ice cream flavor?
Mint Chip.

79. What color shirt are you wearing?
White.

80. What color pants?
Black.

81. Favorite TV show?
I don't watch TV.

82. Favorite movie?
Tangled.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?
I've never seen Mean Girls 2 so Mean Girls.

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?
I've never seen 21 Jump Street so Mean Girls.

85. Favorite character from Mean Girls?
I think her name is Gretchen. LOOL her.

86. Favorite character from Finding Nemo?
Dory~~~

87. First person you talked to today?
My dad.

88. Last person you talked to today?
My sister.

89. Name a person you hate?
Norma.

90. Name a person you love?
I have someone in mind but nah not gonna expose him like that XD

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?
Hell yeah.

92. In a fight with someone?
Nah.

93. How many sweatpants do you have?
Two of them.

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?
A lot lol

95. Last movie you watched?
Sing

96. Favorite actress?
American: Jennifer Lawrence
Korean: Gong Hyojin

97. Favorite actor?
American: Will Smith
Korean: Lee Jongsuk

98. Do you tan a lot?
Yeah. I got dat melanin in me.

99. Have any pets?
Yeh. A cute hamster~ Her name is Fried Tofu and Dubu as her nickname.

100. How are you feeling?
Cold but it's ok.

101. Do you type fast?
I think I do.

102. Do you regret anything from your past?
Nah not really. My past helped me become the person I am today.

103. Can you spell well?
I guess so?

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?
Yeah...

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?
Nah.

106. Ever broken someone's heart?
Yeup. I was an asshole about it.

107. Have you ever been on a horse?
Nope.

108. What should you be doing?
Working on the kdrama W.

109. Is something irritating you right now?
Not really...

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?
Yeah... I cried a lot...

111. Do you have trust issues?
Yeup.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
I honestly don't know...

113. What was your childhood nickname?
I didn't have one.

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?
Yeup. Arizona and Illinois.

115. Do you play the Wii?
No but if I have Twilight Princess from The Legend of Zelda series I would.

116. Are you listening to music right now?
Yeup. Zion. T - No Make Up.

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?
Yeup~~

118. Do you like Chinese food?
OMG Yusssss. I love Asian food <3

119. Favorite book?
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

120. Are you afraid of the dark?
Sometimes yeah...

121. Are you mean?
Duh sometimes.

122. Is cheating ever okay?
Omg. Fuck no. Just break up my goodness. Don't be that asshole.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?
Nah. I get too lazy to clean my shoes.

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?
No lol I honestly think that's bullshit. I believe that people fall in love the more you interact with the person.

125. Do you believe in true love?
Eh. I guess it happens to some lucky couples... I'm not really into the whole "true love" shit because love never works out for me.

126. Are you currently bored?
Yeah...

127. What makes you happy?
Hmm... Making others happy, food, sleep, hugs (Especially from one of my best friends omfg. He gives me the best hugs ;) ), kpop, and kdramas.

128. Would you change your name?
Yeh that would be interesting... I'd change it to Alexandra.

129. What is your zodiac sign?
Gemini~~~

130. Do you like subway?
Yeup~ Steak and cheese with sourdough bread, pepper jack cheese, and everything with chipotle sauce~~~~

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Oh wow someone actually likes me lol.

132. Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with?
I answered this question already. My Utah friend about emotions.

133. Favorite lyrics right now?
Uh... Don't have one...

134. Can you count to one million?
Yes but I'm too lazy to.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?
Hmm... I really don't know...

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?
Closed.

137. How tall are you?
5' LOOOL I'm short af.

138. Curly or straight hair?
Straight hair.

139. Brunette or Blonde?
Brunette since I don't look good as a blonde.

140. Summer or Winter?
Summer~~

141. Night or Day?
Night.

142. Favorite month?
May cuz my birthday LOL.

143. Are you a vegetarian?
Nope. I love meat.

144. Dark, milk, or white chocolate?
Dark chocolate <3

145. Tea or Coffee?
Tea <3

146. Was today a good day?
Yeah it was alright...

147. Mars or Snickers?
Snickers.

148. What's your favorite quote?
"Cogito ergo sum. I think, therefore I am." - René Descartes.

149. Do you believe in ghosts?
Yeup.

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42. What's the first line on that page?
The Chemical Level of Organization. It's from my sister's anatomy and physiology book.

OMFG I FINALLY FINISHED IT. I PROCRASTINATED ON THAT SO HARD. But yey I finished it~ I'm gonna try to avoid 100+ questionnaires heh...